Testimonials

First up is Penn Jillette - world famous magician. He's our "Jerry Springer" this time around. He's dancing with Kym. She shows up to his place and immediately describes him as "huge", "enormous" and a "giant". Luckily her breasts will dwarf his size immediately. He makes a joke about eating her. She craps herself (I'm sure of it) and the room fills with the smell of fear.

You must be this tall to ride.

Penn and Kym begin to dance the Cha Cha Cha. Penn begins by throwing her leg back so hard I'm waiting to hear "POP!! RIP!! TEAR!!" followed by a shot of her leg flying into the audience. Ok - if that was Heather Mills it TOTALLY would've happened. Penn does a penguin dive under her and across the floor. Pretty snazzy for a fat ass. I have to admit - he's really playing his awkwardness to his advantage. He does a few John Travolta moves, Kim throws her chest around to take attention off his feet and they finish with him pulling magic flowers out of thin air. I would've preferred pulling talent out of his ass instead.

For me?! Wait - is that a garnish!? HELP!!!

Len Goodman, our resident Pro Judge likes that they had fun but nails him for his clumsy feet. Bruno Tonioli compares Penn to Shrek - at least that's what I think he said - shouldn't this guy have sub-titles when he talks? There's a shot of Teller in the audience - and he's laughing!!! Does that count as talking?! OMG. I totally just busted him. Penn dares Bruno to try and learn a card trick in 4 weeks. Apparently he thinks "pick a card - any card" is just as difficult as learning an intricately choreographed dance. Where do you get off, Fat David Blaine?! Carrie calls him out on almost ripping Kym's leg off! Of course the girl judge is the only one who noticed he almost crippled his partner! The judges give them crap scores - 16 out of 30. And 14 of those points were really for Kym's chest alone.

Seriously.

Up next, Jason Taylor from the Miami Dolphins. He's tall, hot and black - so Penn's fucked. Edyta meets him for the first time and they both immediately want to bone. He does the whole "This is really hard for me cause I'm such a macho man." Oy. Do we really have to go through this every year? You know he's gonna be prancing around the stage in like .2 seconds and loving it. You might as well make it worth it Jason - so when you get the snot beaten out of you back in the Miami locker rooms you won't cry "Why?!"

"Macho Macho Man! He's got to be... a Macho Man!"

Jason and Edyta begin to dance the Fox Trot! Jason's floating across the ball room in no time at all! And he's singing along to the song! OMG! What a mo! Love it! He's graceful and fantastic. Pack your bags Penn. They finish and Tom jokes with Jason that his dance is already on You Tube. Ummm... or national TV but whatever. The judges love him. Len looks at him and says "You are a good looking guy!!" That seals the deal on the locker room beating. Carries loves it - she wants a piece - and Bruno tells him to work on the romance with his partner. Wow. They called him a pretty dancer and then questioned his romantic abilities - Edyta is going to be thrown around next week like a 2 dollah ho. Scores are pretty good - 22 out of 30.

Next up, Cristian de la Fuente - "International Movie Star". It's kind of sad that the only time you hear "international" in front of "movie star" is when someone's trying to justify a career of telenovelas as "movie stardom". He's from Chile. And he's the type of Chilean that will remind us of that every five friggin' seconds. He was also in the Chilean Air Force. He says he wanted to do the show to "bring romance back to dancing". Great - it's the macho-Latin version of Justin Timberlake here to save us. Meanwhile, Cheryl reminds us that she's won two seasons so far and plans on making it 3. Your partner is a toothy Marc Anthony sweetheart - don't get ahead of yourself.

"Ewww... it smells like sea bass and bad actor in here!"

« Keeping Up With the Kardashians: So Much Chickenshit | Main | American Idol: Please Don't Wake Me, Peter Frampton Is Pissed »

Posted in Dancing with the Stars by bBitz at 11:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)
Last Comment: Shootingstar47 on Mar 21, 2008 02:41 PM.