Mario and Karina dance the Cha Cha Cha. Karina has so much tanner on she's actually darker than Mario. I keep waiting for her neck to snap but I (as I'm sure are the producers) am let down. They dance well - Mario likes to spin a lot. A LOT. Carrie says "Dang - you can dance!" Yeah - that's the problem - HE COULD ALREADY DANCE. Bruno calls Karina out for cornering the market on "Hot Marios". Oh how I'd love to see Karina burst into tears at the mention of Mario "Baby I Love You Of Course I'll Call You Tomorrow" Lopez. But she stays strong. The judges come back with 8's across the board. Mario's thrilled. I'm less than.
Our last contestant for the evening is Steve Guttenberg. Tom makes a point of mentioning how Steve's been in several movies that have grossed over $100 million dollars. He fails to mention it's because of their VHS rentals since 1984. Anna starts teaching Steve and comments that he's great student. She then goes on to berate him and comment that he "gets less horrible everyday". It's the reviews for "Cocoon" all over again Steve!
Steve and Anna dance the Fox Trot. Steve can't even walk down a flight of stairs at the same pace as Anna - off to a stellar start, Steve-o! Apparently Steve went to the same class as Adam - "How to Make a Stupid Fucking Face So No One Watches my Feet".
"Bitch - did you just confuse me with Billy Crystal again?!"
Out of nowhere Steve does a little hop, skip and jump. Then he walks around for 2 minutes. Does a little bit towards the judges (Panderer!!) and finishes.
Bruno tells Steve he reminds him of Billy Ray. Ouch. FYI Steve - Billy Ray didn't win in the end. Len remarks that Steve is the first one of the evening that looks like he's enjoying himself! WELL DUH!!! The poor man's been in a closet for 20 years and he's back in the spotlight! There IS life after "Police Academy 12"!
The judges give them 6's across the board. I realize now that Anna is dressed like a whoreish version of Tammy Wynette.
Before the show close we see the women contestants for this season. They are MUCH more full of personality and I'm sooooo excited!!! Deaf, fat, old, competitive and the list goes on!!! There's not a midget but there's a good chance Kristi Yamaguchi will cut some bitch at the knees with her skates!
So that's it for the first night of competition! Mario and Karina get the best scores - will America agree?! Or will they vote for Steve for fear that's he'll off himself if he has to go back to working children's parties?! The suspense! What do you all think?? Dish it!!
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Comments (9)
Hey, let Mario do his thing! I am glad he is on this season. He's just like Sabrina, he has experience dancing but you got to think, hip hop is no where close to ballroom.
Afterall, he did get the highest score.
GO MARIO!
I feel bad for Adriane (is that her name? the one with Adam?). I don't think she'll win this season with that crappy partner of hers. i lied...I don't feel bad!
1 of 9 | Posted by sillage | Posted on March 19, 2008 2:38 PM
bBitz - I look forward to more of your DWTS recaps. I just hope you make it through the season. It seems like every time someone starts recaping this show, they disappear midway through.
I wasn't worried about Kym's leg popping off but her boob exploding. I also noticed Karina's insane amount of spray tan. She looked well done.
2 of 9 | Posted by bbjunkie | Posted on March 19, 2008 3:13 PM
Yo bBitz you are the shiznizzle.
I am definitely rooting for Kristi Yamaguchi. If she can rock it on ice she better be able to hold her own on the dance floor - woo hoo!
3 of 9 | Posted by monkeysun | Posted on March 19, 2008 5:10 PM
OMG!!! This shizzle is tooo frickin funny! Tragic it is! keep making me laugh - i need it!
4 of 9 | Posted by ralleykat | Posted on March 19, 2008 5:20 PM
This is great! Can't wait for more!!
5 of 9 | Posted by jglau78 | Posted on March 20, 2008 3:18 PM
bBitz- your recap is hilarious and oh so true! This is just a thought, but I think that the female pro dancers must fill their ass cracks with spackle and then cover them with makeup, otherwise how can they wear such low outfits?
6 of 9 | Posted by 1groovygrammy | Posted on March 20, 2008 5:10 PM
bbitz- your recap is so hilarious and so true.
Just a thought, but I think that the pro female dancers spackle their asscracks and then cover it with body makeup. Otherwise, how could their outfits be soooo low?
7 of 9 | Posted by 1groovygrammy | Posted on March 20, 2008 5:14 PM
This recap is so much better than the show! Keep the commentary going - I need the laughs!
8 of 9 | Posted by milfx2 | Posted on March 20, 2008 6:30 PM
bBitz - LOVED your column. I think I looked crazy laughing out loud at my computer here at work. Oops. ;)
Can't wait to read more!!
9 of 9 | Posted by Shootingstar47 | Posted on March 21, 2008 2:41 PM