We see Shannon and Derek meet for the first time. At first, I of course want to hate them cause they're so damn pretty - but DAMN - they're so damn pretty! Derek notices right away that Shannon's a "flip-flop" kind of girl. What??!! Before I can google "Shannon Elizabeth Sex Tape" I realize he means she can't dance for shit in heels. Shannon says she's trying to prepare by doing everything in her heels. Of course we are then subject to the scripted shots of her walking her dogs in heels and kick boxing in heels. Too bad they leave out the shot of her doing you-know-what-in-heels which is I'm sure the only one that would've been spot on.
Side note: Derek, if you'd like to be referred to as a man and not a boy...
Ditch the Zac Efron hair.
The dance begins between Shannon and Derek and WHAT?! The song is "Shut Up and Drive" but it sure as shit isn't the beautiful and talented Rihanna singing it!!! WTF?! It's an awful version and unless they pan back to show Marlee Matlin singing it, there's no excuse. Shannon and Derek seem to be making the best of it. Derek is however wearing something from the Regis Philbin line of red on red:
Gelman! This Shannon girl is driving me CRAZY!
Shannon does a pretty snazzy job and is DEFINITELY using her 12-foot long legs to her best advantage.
"Want to see the director's cut my American Pie?!"
Tom takes a moment to thank the band and the SINGERS that just butchered one of my favorites.
Take a guess which one refers to herself as the THE MOTHER FUCKING QUEEN.
Len loved it and tells Elizabeth "If you're gonna wear a short skirt like that - then you have to... (oh God - Please say wax - please say wax!!!) improve on your legwork." DAMN! Bruno comments on her legs too. I can't blame them. Now that I think about it, I don't think I looked at her face once. Oh my God! That's the macho-est thing I've ever said! The things Dancing with the Stars can do to you!
The judges give Shannon and Derek 7's across the board. Hmm... Is it just me or do these judges agree way too much? Not that I need a whole Randy/Paul vs Simon thing to go on here - but come on - a little friction would be nice. Maybe if the scale was 1-20 there'd be more room for a difference. Oh - if only I ruled the world of reality dance shows.
While Samantha tells us about the voting Derek feels the need to "sign" what she's saying in his own little doofy way. (See what you start Marlee?! Hands in pockets from now on!)
And I swear - when Samantha says it's time to vote for the "women" - Derek makes a "boobs" gesture to convey the word "women".
Yup. Totally a man. This wasn't boy-like AT ALL. (TEE HEE... BOOBS!)
Our tennis champ, Monica Seles, is up next. She tells us she decided to do "Dancing with the Stars" because she "didn't quite have a normal childhood". Uh oh. Here comes Debbie Downer! Was it boozey parents? A sweatshop!? What's your Oprah moment Monica??!!? "I played tennis at 6 and felt like a tomboy." Oh... umm... some kids roam the streets or get groped up by Uncle Handsy McCreeperson - but YOU - YOU had to play TENNIS. Wow. Your childhood was fucking brutal. How did you survive?!?
BTW - does anyone else feel she looks like bizarro Celine Dion?!?
I am zee greatest dancer - in all zee werld!
Her partner, Jonathon Roberts, comments that they're dancing the fox trot and he's worried as Monica is IN NO WAY graceful!! They show a clip of her trying to glide across the floor. Imagine a baby's first steps combined with that drunken stagger you see guys do right before they puke. She's mastered that.
Awww - how sad! Jonathon seriously looks bummed watching her. I wonder how they assign the dancers to their celebrity. If it's straws then I promise you Jonathon got the very shortest one. I'm not shitting you when I say that Guttenberg and Penn were more graceful last night. Tomboy??? Holy shit Monica! You're more of a man than Derek is!
The dance goes as expected. AWFUL. I mean - there were a FEW pretty moments. Mostly while Monica was standing there and Jonathon danced all Swazey-like around her. Smoke and mirrors! Pretty boring. Her dress however looks like cubic zirconium threw up in the middle of pretty in pink.
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Comments (14)
bBitz -- you crack me up! This is the first time that I have watched this crappy show and I am glad that I have your recaps to look forward to reading.
Here is my opinion on Priscilla: she is on hr way to looking like that woman who gets plastic surgery to look like a cat.
1 of 14 | Posted by sbm713 | Posted on March 21, 2008 7:28 AM
"what the fuck does her dance partner, Louis van Amstel, hand her in the shot before her intro?"
My guess...Elvis's old pill box and its remaining contents. It could only help.
Great recap!
2 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 21, 2008 9:05 AM
oh my god..loved your recap of dancing with the stars. i guffawed out loud more than once while reading it.
what is wrong with priscilla's face? it is like she had dental surgery and cant open her mouth or smile for the life of her..
great recap...cant wait for next week.
3 of 14 | Posted by giggles4sy | Posted on March 21, 2008 10:48 AM
great recap. i guffawed several times while reading this at work.
and what is wrong with priscilla's face? too much dental surgery? why cant that "mature" lady smile?
cant wait for next weeks recap.....
4 of 14 | Posted by giggles4sy | Posted on March 21, 2008 10:51 AM
"I pretty sure she thinks he's referring to Elvis' fat years - but then it dawns - the DANCE MOVE!"
Horrible. But awesome.
5 of 14 | Posted by susanarosa | Posted on March 21, 2008 2:17 PM
Great recap Bbitz! That's a big show to take on, and we appreciate you for doing it! And for being hilarious too =)
I'm pretty sure Louis handed Priscilla a pair of knee pads (ya know, as a joke in regards to the death spiral, or, hmmmm...for a more nefarious purpose?) It probably would have been more obvious if they'd chosen white knee pads, but whatevs. Guess white wouldn't go with the outfit.
KUTGW!
6 of 14 | Posted by zbird | Posted on March 21, 2008 3:15 PM
Oh bBitz - you are too funny. If you keep up this level of quality snark, you will become my favorite recaper! I can't even pick my favorite comment. I agreed with about every comment you made.
It looked like Louis handed Priscilla some sort of Elvis doll, but zbird is probably correct with the knee pad guess.
Keep up the great job!
7 of 14 | Posted by bbjunkie | Posted on March 21, 2008 5:56 PM
bBitz...loved your recap ~ you made me laugh so hard! The whole thing was so hilarious... Keep up the great work and thanks. I, too, will look so forward to your next one(s)...
And, I have no idea what LVA is handing Priscilla ~ very bizarre...
8 of 14 | Posted by lijjy | Posted on March 24, 2008 2:42 PM
bBitz- I am actually a fan of Dancing with the Stars so much of what you wrote I found offensive- except the part about the deaf lady- now that was funny!!
No really- I was laughing pretty hard and sooo excited that you picked up on Samantha's goof when she held the microphone out for Marlee.
Can't wait to read your recap about tonight's show!
9 of 14 | Posted by KMACK | Posted on March 24, 2008 4:54 PM
Too funny! I love Mario though, and definitely love the ice princess. Is Mark still with Sabrina? Anyone know?? I love them together.
10 of 14 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on March 26, 2008 2:23 PM
Mark is mos def still with Sabrina, she was in the audience last night and she is keeping a close eye on him!
But do we really believe Mark is into girls? Now that is the real question.
Thanks bBitz you're a recap stud!
11 of 14 | Posted by waggiemaggie | Posted on March 26, 2008 7:03 PM
No shit... ur right on point with the funniest spin it. Keep it up... i need my daily dose of laughter, plus a good ab work out never hurt anyone. I'm excited for next weeks episode and your commentary. BTW, Doesn't Monica look like a cracked out version of Celine Dion?.. or is it the other way around?
12 of 14 | Posted by ralleykat | Posted on March 28, 2008 12:03 PM
I read on Dlisted.com that Priscilla is one of the celebrity victims of a doctor from Argentina who was injecting his clients with low-grade silicone similar to what's used to lube auto parts. That may explain why her face is so crazy looking now...
13 of 14 | Posted by jesusloveswinners | Posted on March 28, 2008 4:16 PM
Shout out to zbird! I do believe you had the correct answer!! Or at least the one that made most sense. Thanks for your help!
14 of 14 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on April 2, 2008 1:03 AM