HOWEVER, when the judges start to critique her - my heart grows from 3 sizes too small to 2ΒΌ. Monica looks like she's going to BURST INTO TEARS at any moment. AWWW! Monica! Girl - just think about all the money you rake in from tennis endorsement crap. Come on, you probably have enough money to BUY grace. All three judges sense the breaking point is near and are gentle on her. Boo. Where's Simon when you need him?!
Luckily, Monica heads back to the "green room" so the judges can give her shit 5's across the board from a safe (cowardly) distance. She just looks completely happy to be done. I wouldn't be surprised if she comes up with a family emergency that pulls her from the show. If I was her parents I'd steer clear of walking between her and any staircases.
Up next we have Marissa Jaret Winokur! Who I am SO excited for! I loved her in "Hairspray" on Broadway! She won a Tony! AND I think she got TOTALLY screwed over when Nikki Blonsky got the movie role over her. I wonder if they had a weigh-in for the role and MJW lost. Whatever - now's your chance to shine Marissa!!! Maybe you could put down the ham for 2 seconds and get excited.
Meanwhile her partner, Tony Dovolani, says he's been in this competition for 5 years and knows how important it is to have fun. Hmm - 5 years and no wins? It might be a good idea for hard work and skill to trump fun this time around, Tony.
They meet for the first time and Marissa says she'd like to think Stacey Keibler looked like her before she danced with Tony. Ok - that could be fair - let's check:
The way Stacey Keibler looked before dancing with Tony...
And the way MJW looks before dancing with Tony...
AHHH AHHHHH AHHH! Oh. Um. Sorry. Sure. You uhhh - are totally starting out on the same page. You look great sweetie. Go get 'em.
During rehearsal's Marissa is pretty much a spaz and is moments away from humping Tony's leg. It's like one of those Wile E. Coyote cartoons - where he imagines Road Runner as a baked chicken. Here we have Marissa imagining Tony as a giant hock of ham - with dancing feet. It's clear that she's trying to be all Broadway about dancing. Down with the jazz hands Liza!! Tony goes on to describe her as loud and out-of-control in the nicest way possible. He's clearly thrilled.
Marissa and Tony start the Cha Cha Cha! And what??! What's with the songs?! They're dancing to "Low" by Flo Rida!! To the Cha Cha Cha??! It looks wrong but feels so right! Ooohh - I get it! "Shorty got it low - low - low." It's because Marissa's as tall as she is wide. How sweet. As they dance there's a lot of flailing around of short chubby drumstick legs. Who did MJW piss off to have to go after Shannon?! Come on! And she's clearly trying to make up for a lack of height with her hair. Either that or she houses a squirrel farm above her head.
Tony does everything short of firing off rounds into the audience to take the attention off of MJW. I've never seen a man wearing so many sequins and I'm an avid fan of figure skating. Marissa's mouth is completely wide open the whole time for some reason. Maybe she's stretching it for when she swallows Tony in one whole piece. She totally fucks up a move at one point but "covers it up" with a smile and a laugh. Yeah - the judges will never know! At one point the camera crew and producers decide to give up and just go for random shots to entertain us...Like the random close-up ass-slap shot:
Watch out for sequin splinters!!
MJW and Tony finish with up with a salute to her fat ass - shake of the hips and BOOM - she knocks Tony out!
Classy. Way to support your girl Tony!
Judge time. Tom makes a crack about Tony's "oil-slick" pants. Nice! All those years of training on "America's Funniest Home Videos" have finally paid off Tom! I'm disappointed that he doesn't take a whiffle-ball bat out and crack Tony in the nuts for old time's sake.
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Comments (14)
bBitz -- you crack me up! This is the first time that I have watched this crappy show and I am glad that I have your recaps to look forward to reading.
Here is my opinion on Priscilla: she is on hr way to looking like that woman who gets plastic surgery to look like a cat.
1 of 14 | Posted by sbm713 | Posted on March 21, 2008 7:28 AM
"what the fuck does her dance partner, Louis van Amstel, hand her in the shot before her intro?"
My guess...Elvis's old pill box and its remaining contents. It could only help.
Great recap!
2 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 21, 2008 9:05 AM
oh my god..loved your recap of dancing with the stars. i guffawed out loud more than once while reading it.
what is wrong with priscilla's face? it is like she had dental surgery and cant open her mouth or smile for the life of her..
great recap...cant wait for next week.
3 of 14 | Posted by giggles4sy | Posted on March 21, 2008 10:48 AM
great recap. i guffawed several times while reading this at work.
and what is wrong with priscilla's face? too much dental surgery? why cant that "mature" lady smile?
cant wait for next weeks recap.....
4 of 14 | Posted by giggles4sy | Posted on March 21, 2008 10:51 AM
"I pretty sure she thinks he's referring to Elvis' fat years - but then it dawns - the DANCE MOVE!"
Horrible. But awesome.
5 of 14 | Posted by susanarosa | Posted on March 21, 2008 2:17 PM
Great recap Bbitz! That's a big show to take on, and we appreciate you for doing it! And for being hilarious too =)
I'm pretty sure Louis handed Priscilla a pair of knee pads (ya know, as a joke in regards to the death spiral, or, hmmmm...for a more nefarious purpose?) It probably would have been more obvious if they'd chosen white knee pads, but whatevs. Guess white wouldn't go with the outfit.
KUTGW!
6 of 14 | Posted by zbird | Posted on March 21, 2008 3:15 PM
Oh bBitz - you are too funny. If you keep up this level of quality snark, you will become my favorite recaper! I can't even pick my favorite comment. I agreed with about every comment you made.
It looked like Louis handed Priscilla some sort of Elvis doll, but zbird is probably correct with the knee pad guess.
Keep up the great job!
7 of 14 | Posted by bbjunkie | Posted on March 21, 2008 5:56 PM
bBitz...loved your recap ~ you made me laugh so hard! The whole thing was so hilarious... Keep up the great work and thanks. I, too, will look so forward to your next one(s)...
And, I have no idea what LVA is handing Priscilla ~ very bizarre...
8 of 14 | Posted by lijjy | Posted on March 24, 2008 2:42 PM
bBitz- I am actually a fan of Dancing with the Stars so much of what you wrote I found offensive- except the part about the deaf lady- now that was funny!!
No really- I was laughing pretty hard and sooo excited that you picked up on Samantha's goof when she held the microphone out for Marlee.
Can't wait to read your recap about tonight's show!
9 of 14 | Posted by KMACK | Posted on March 24, 2008 4:54 PM
Too funny! I love Mario though, and definitely love the ice princess. Is Mark still with Sabrina? Anyone know?? I love them together.
10 of 14 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on March 26, 2008 2:23 PM
Mark is mos def still with Sabrina, she was in the audience last night and she is keeping a close eye on him!
But do we really believe Mark is into girls? Now that is the real question.
Thanks bBitz you're a recap stud!
11 of 14 | Posted by waggiemaggie | Posted on March 26, 2008 7:03 PM
No shit... ur right on point with the funniest spin it. Keep it up... i need my daily dose of laughter, plus a good ab work out never hurt anyone. I'm excited for next weeks episode and your commentary. BTW, Doesn't Monica look like a cracked out version of Celine Dion?.. or is it the other way around?
12 of 14 | Posted by ralleykat | Posted on March 28, 2008 12:03 PM
I read on Dlisted.com that Priscilla is one of the celebrity victims of a doctor from Argentina who was injecting his clients with low-grade silicone similar to what's used to lube auto parts. That may explain why her face is so crazy looking now...
13 of 14 | Posted by jesusloveswinners | Posted on March 28, 2008 4:16 PM
Shout out to zbird! I do believe you had the correct answer!! Or at least the one that made most sense. Thanks for your help!
14 of 14 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on April 2, 2008 1:03 AM