The judges love it. Len thinks it was a "Prahpah fox trot - very fruid!" Fruid?! What the hell is wrong with his accent? Maybe he took a high spin kick to the mouth at some point in his 120year career. Bruno thinks she's had the most "Stah quality" - which is ironic since everyone else competing is a star by their own right - not because they got up in the middle of the night to make the King fried banana sandwiches. Carries applauds her for defying her age. This woman is 62 - not 80! WTF?! Shut up and stop wearing hot pink Carrie. It's annoying.
OHHH MYYY GOD! Best part of the night so far - is that Winona Judd in the audience? NO! It's Lisa-Marie Presley!!! Holy shit! I know she's preggers but with WHAT?! A sea cow?! Yikes! I hope the baby weighs 120 lbs at birth or someone's going to have just a wee bit of "I'm so fat - I hate that baby!" depression afterwards.
I guess we should just gather up all the anorexic celebs in Hollywood and have them blow MJ. Problem solved!
Samantha gives them their scores (but not before calling Priscilla their most "mature" contestant yet - what a bitch) and it's 8's across the board. Good job Pri-Pri!
And now we have my favorite contestant!!! Kristi friggin' Yamaguchi!!! WOO WOO! Olympic Gold Winner! World Champion! The original Michelle Kwan! She's got her competitive hat on and she's ready to cut some bitches with her blades! Her dance, partner is the young, hot, fiery, hot, latin dance champion, really hot Mark Ballas, Jr. What?!?
They meet at Kristi's house - made of brick. Next to another house of brick. No big bad wolves here - but wait - here comes a dapperly over-dressed Mark around the corner. I love how Kristi throws her kid aside to swoon. I'd throw her kid too if it got in the way. WHAT?!?
She's worried we'll have high expectations because she's already known as an entertainer. YES. WE DO AND WE WILL. DO NOT FUCK THIS UP. Look what happened to Michelle Kwan. You know she's off somewhere making fortune cookies in a factory. I know this because every once in a while I open a cookie and get a fortune that says "Sasha Cohen sucks balls."
Meanwhile Mark tells us he is so excited because he loves figure skating! Dear Mark, You are a very pretty boy who likes to dance. Some things can be left unsaid.
During rehearsals Mark has to teach her to lead with her heels. Kristi explains that when you're a skater you always keep your feet flat. Don't start with the excuses already Yamaguchi!
Kristi and Mark's fox trot begins with a fantastic twirl and a snap!! Wowza! NICE! She's on fire! Kristi is pretty much fucking amazing and is dancing like... a STAR! She's elegant, beautiful, sassy and LIMBER!!!
AYA!
The judges go totally mental!!! Bruno calls it "Absolutely wicked!" Who knew he was from Boston? Then there's a shot of two Asians clapping in the audience. They better be related to her because if not the producer is a dick. ("Let's get a reaction shot of those Asians - they must know her!) Len says "The ice maiden has melted my heart!" That's pretty amazing since it's mostly made out of scrap metal from 1918.
Back in the green room - Samantha throws Kristi under a bus with "Well you know - some people say because of the figure skating you have a natural advantage." Shut the fuck up Samantha! It is one thing for me to say that about Mario - BUT YOU LEAVE OUR SWEET LITTLE GOLD MEDALIST OUT OF THIS!!! She had to learn to point her toes and dance in heels!!!
Judges reward them with 9's across the board - the highest score yet! (BTW - I love how Samantha has to look down at her cue card for the total - 27 - girl can't multiply 9 by 3. USELESS!!!)
And finally - our last season 6 contestant - Marlee Matlin! Ok - so I'm gonna be good and try to steer clear of making deaf jokes. It's a cheap shot and I'll rise above it. Do you hear that Marlee? I'll rise above it! Marlee?! I said did you hear that!?! Oh nevermind. She's just asking for it.
Marlee tells us that she won her Oscar for "Children of a Lesser God" and they show a photo:
HAHAHAHAH!!! WTF?!? Those glasses! And is that baby's breath in her hair?! Is she deaf or BLIND?!
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Comments (14)
bBitz -- you crack me up! This is the first time that I have watched this crappy show and I am glad that I have your recaps to look forward to reading.
Here is my opinion on Priscilla: she is on hr way to looking like that woman who gets plastic surgery to look like a cat.
1 of 14 | Posted by sbm713 | Posted on March 21, 2008 7:28 AM
"what the fuck does her dance partner, Louis van Amstel, hand her in the shot before her intro?"
My guess...Elvis's old pill box and its remaining contents. It could only help.
Great recap!
2 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on March 21, 2008 9:05 AM
oh my god..loved your recap of dancing with the stars. i guffawed out loud more than once while reading it.
what is wrong with priscilla's face? it is like she had dental surgery and cant open her mouth or smile for the life of her..
great recap...cant wait for next week.
3 of 14 | Posted by giggles4sy | Posted on March 21, 2008 10:48 AM
great recap. i guffawed several times while reading this at work.
and what is wrong with priscilla's face? too much dental surgery? why cant that "mature" lady smile?
cant wait for next weeks recap.....
4 of 14 | Posted by giggles4sy | Posted on March 21, 2008 10:51 AM
"I pretty sure she thinks he's referring to Elvis' fat years - but then it dawns - the DANCE MOVE!"
Horrible. But awesome.
5 of 14 | Posted by susanarosa | Posted on March 21, 2008 2:17 PM
Great recap Bbitz! That's a big show to take on, and we appreciate you for doing it! And for being hilarious too =)
I'm pretty sure Louis handed Priscilla a pair of knee pads (ya know, as a joke in regards to the death spiral, or, hmmmm...for a more nefarious purpose?) It probably would have been more obvious if they'd chosen white knee pads, but whatevs. Guess white wouldn't go with the outfit.
KUTGW!
6 of 14 | Posted by zbird | Posted on March 21, 2008 3:15 PM
Oh bBitz - you are too funny. If you keep up this level of quality snark, you will become my favorite recaper! I can't even pick my favorite comment. I agreed with about every comment you made.
It looked like Louis handed Priscilla some sort of Elvis doll, but zbird is probably correct with the knee pad guess.
Keep up the great job!
7 of 14 | Posted by bbjunkie | Posted on March 21, 2008 5:56 PM
bBitz...loved your recap ~ you made me laugh so hard! The whole thing was so hilarious... Keep up the great work and thanks. I, too, will look so forward to your next one(s)...
And, I have no idea what LVA is handing Priscilla ~ very bizarre...
8 of 14 | Posted by lijjy | Posted on March 24, 2008 2:42 PM
bBitz- I am actually a fan of Dancing with the Stars so much of what you wrote I found offensive- except the part about the deaf lady- now that was funny!!
No really- I was laughing pretty hard and sooo excited that you picked up on Samantha's goof when she held the microphone out for Marlee.
Can't wait to read your recap about tonight's show!
9 of 14 | Posted by KMACK | Posted on March 24, 2008 4:54 PM
Too funny! I love Mario though, and definitely love the ice princess. Is Mark still with Sabrina? Anyone know?? I love them together.
10 of 14 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on March 26, 2008 2:23 PM
Mark is mos def still with Sabrina, she was in the audience last night and she is keeping a close eye on him!
But do we really believe Mark is into girls? Now that is the real question.
Thanks bBitz you're a recap stud!
11 of 14 | Posted by waggiemaggie | Posted on March 26, 2008 7:03 PM
No shit... ur right on point with the funniest spin it. Keep it up... i need my daily dose of laughter, plus a good ab work out never hurt anyone. I'm excited for next weeks episode and your commentary. BTW, Doesn't Monica look like a cracked out version of Celine Dion?.. or is it the other way around?
12 of 14 | Posted by ralleykat | Posted on March 28, 2008 12:03 PM
I read on Dlisted.com that Priscilla is one of the celebrity victims of a doctor from Argentina who was injecting his clients with low-grade silicone similar to what's used to lube auto parts. That may explain why her face is so crazy looking now...
13 of 14 | Posted by jesusloveswinners | Posted on March 28, 2008 4:16 PM
Shout out to zbird! I do believe you had the correct answer!! Or at least the one that made most sense. Thanks for your help!
14 of 14 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on April 2, 2008 1:03 AM