Tonight's a big night - 2 hours and all the couples are dancing! As the intro comes on we hear Tom say "And for two stars, dreams of glory will turn into nightmares of failure!" Wow. As if these people have't failed enough that they end up on this show - ol' Tom really has to kick 'em when they're down.
Samatha kicks off her intro stuttering on the word "dreaded". Ironic since I'd use that word to describe how I feel about her every show.
The stars file out and two words come to mind: MORE SKIN! Wow - only the second time out for everyone and we're already getting desperate. I love it! Except you Penn - please God don't show us your skin. I'm afraid mine would melt off if you did.
We go the scan down of all the stars and SURPRISE! Tonight's the night that Priscilla stares right at the camera! Straight on! I can only assume she reads my recaps. If so, "Hey P, Thanks for reading. All that stuff I said about your Franken-face - totally kidding. Oopsie! You're fab. Love, bBitz."
I'm so happy we're getting right into the dancing tonight! No more intros! Let's get right to the meat so we can start figuring out who to ax! Speaking of - Guttenberg's up first! And is it me or has he gotten a little nip/tuck since last week? Maybe P-dog snuck in on him and played a little prank. She's silly like that. Doesn't like anyone around her to look human.
Steve and Anna are in rehearsal and it kicks off with Anna screaming at him. Steve fires back with a sarcastic "That's terrible" and I grow fonder of the old "Gut" (Goot) for putting the little Ruskie in her place. And then she brings in Mother Russia to help her out. I'm guessing the last time Steve was in a room with two Russian chicks he was spending the last grand of his "Three Men and a Baby" check.
And WTF with the subtitles?! It drives me nuts when they put subtitles up when you can clearly understand someone. Thanks for insulting my intelligence ABC! (PS - However I still would like to see them when Bruno speaks)
Irina (Mother Russia) comes in and just about tackles Steve as she exclaims "I love Police Academy!" (Uh oh.) "I do yoga like you! I am the same age like you!" Is this chick a mail-order bride or shakin' Steve down for a green card?! She finishes with "I am scared of her (Anna) too!" Awww.... How sad. Mom's gonna be on the next boat back to the USSR.
Steve thanks the Chernobyl sisters and says because of them he'll have a "Macho Mambo Combo." Wow - quite the promise Steve. Say you'll do it without grinning like a dumb ass and I'll be impressed.
Here comes Steve and Anna in the mambo - and look who's dressed all Miami Vice! I like it. Makes me feel like he seconds away from doing blow... again. It's the only way I think he could explain those stupid faces he makes! Come on!!
The band is playing a butchered version of some mambo song that is now infused with Steve's name and other quirks. The guy singing sounds great - he has a "I can't believe this is where my career has gone" quality. He should get together with the lady that butchered Rihanna last week and tour pact suicide groups around the country.
Steve does a pretty good job dancing. It's absolutely impossible for him to keep his mouth closed through any of it. I hope the judges nail him for it. Although it takes the attention away from the dance he's murdering.
Anna and Steve finish. Tom thanks the band and we are greeted yet again by...
The mother-fucking queen! Giiiiirl! I love those outfits!!!
The judges start their crituqes and Len compares Steve's routine to baking a... wait for it... SPOTTED DICK. Honestly - I could not possibly have described it better myself. Although really Len? Couldn't have said crumpet? Sticky pudding? So many Brit dishes and you went with spotted dick?! To be honest I probably would've described Steve's dancing as more gonorrhea-like.
Anna gets all pissy with Len and says something like "Vodka! Vodka! Vodka!" or something like that - I need subtitles.
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Comments (8)
Great blog, keep up the good work. I love DWTS, but you are right... it is getting rather ridiculous.
GO KRISTI!
1 of 8 | Posted by squibby | Posted on March 29, 2008 2:48 PM
this whole recap was wrong on so many levels, but oh so funny.
And yes, Penn IS an asshole. Im finding Carrolla less disgusting by the day (especially since his Tourrettes acted up last week and he shouted BITCH at Carrie Ann. LOL Carrolla)
Jason Taylor is effing HAWT. Mark this on your calendar: Im calling him as the winner right here and now.
2 of 8 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on March 29, 2008 7:43 PM
Oh my God, this recap is so wrong, but I love it though.
I called Jason Taylor the winner on the first episode. Kristi might be the best one, it's going to be about a guy again this year.
3 of 8 | Posted by bigjr6633 | Posted on March 30, 2008 6:35 AM
I'd never heard of Jason Taylor before this DWTS, but daaaaayum. She is soooo going to be nailing him, if she's not already!
I think Yamaguchi will take it. I was one of those that thought she had an unfair advantage, but if you think about it, not so much. Sure, she would be better with following the music and being graceful with her hands and body, but she's never had to worry about her feet as much. The blades and ice did all the motion work.
4 of 8 | Posted by snarky | Posted on March 30, 2008 10:21 AM
Cristian is so hotter than Jason. Jason has a strange alien head. I think Jason's head was used as the model for the aliens at the end of CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE 3RD KIND.
Cristian is way sexier and he doesn't have an alien head.
5 of 8 | Posted by weasel dearest | Posted on March 30, 2008 6:03 PM
bBitz,
Good recap, but you know Yamaguchi is Japanese and foot binding is a Chinese tradition, right? Or did you just think that all Asians should be offended by Penn's comment...
6 of 8 | Posted by jesusloveswinners | Posted on March 31, 2008 1:02 PM
To "jesusloveswinners":
I actually did know that but you'll notice I ignore fact for a good joke quite often. :) BTW - Does your ID refer to a line from "DDG". You're my hero if it does!
7 of 8 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on April 2, 2008 12:57 AM
bBitz - good to know. :) Sometimes I miss the joke when overwhelmed by a compulsion to correct...
And yes, my ID is absolutely a reference to DDG - I'm glad someone else is a fan.
8 of 8 | Posted by jesusloveswinners | Posted on April 2, 2008 6:10 PM