Bruno speaks. AND THANK YOU!!! He says "All your work went into your expressions, so your body died." THANK YOU. I understand you Bruno - and I concur!
Carrie nails Steve for a lack of musicality and technique. Anna goes apeshit, screaming "This is his second dance!" Excuses excuses Anna! Back to the breadlines! Carrie tells her it's competition time and to shut it. Steve tries to recover with a "thank you and I respect you". Nice job Steve - but I'd suggest buying a muzzle for Gorbachev Jr.
Anna shows us how many times the Gut nailed her mom during rehearsal.
The judges give their scores. Len and Bruno give 5's while Carrie gives a 6! Ok, my theory is that they TOTALLY score the dance BEFORE they critique the dancers. I always see Carrie frantically hand an assistant a piece of paper right after the dancing's over. It must be the scores - and lord knows the producers must have to add them up and spell it out for Samantha. AND there's NO way Carrie would've given them a higher score after Anna got all mouthy with her. No way! What do you guys think?!
Back in the green room, Steve says "Dancing with the Stars" makes this world a better place. Oh Steve. Whatever you're on - please - share. The only reason this show makes the world a better place is that it gives out of work actors a place to stay out of the rain.
Right before commercial break we get a nice shot of Marissa about to give head to three of the contestants.
Don't do it MJW! Their votes don't count!
And we're back with Cristian de la Receding Hair Line and Cheryl. This week it's the two step. Which Cristian says brings out the child in him. We then see him bouncing around the studio like a spaz on Ritalin. Seriously? Now how are you supposed to hold the respectable fake-title of International Movie Star with behavior like that?
Cristian says he realizes he has a "1 in 6 chances of going home". Math: A, Grammar: F. However, congrats on being smarter than Samantha "I have to look at the cue card to add 3 numbers together!" Harris.
Cheryl completes a sexual fantasy of hers by dressing the man-child up in a military uniform to keep him "standing up straight". Cristian makes a reference to "Officer and a Gentlemen" thus confirming the fact that the producers write half the shit he says.
The dance begins! Cristian goes back and forth from looks of fear to looks of joy. He dances around a little light on the feet but he makes such a point of standing up straight it looks like he has a broomstick up his ass. No doubt that was also Cheryls idea. She's twisted! I love her!
They finish with Cristian doing a somersault over Cheryl. Is this dancing or 4th grade gym class?!
Hey Cristian! How big was that broomstick?!
Carrie loves the new posture but grills him a bit on his footwork. Len says his feet were "faster than wind from a duck's bottom." Oh. Ok. WHAT??!? What fucking metaphorical language is he speaking?! This whole show needs subtitles. I've had it. And ps - I've totally seen wind from a duck's bottom and I'd say it's mediocre speed at best. Meanwhile, Bruno thinks Cristian captured the "Dancing Gangster." Bruno, at what point have you ever seen a gangster dance? And I'm not talking about one that rips off his pants and reminds you to "Look but don't touch!"
Carrie and Bruno give them 7's while Len sticks them with a 6. Cristian comments that they're never happy - thus guaranteeing himself lower scores next week. Way to shmooze the judges dickhead!
Up next - the tragic, sweet mess called Monica Seles! They show a clip of her crying last week after she got her "5" scores. Look at is this way Monica - there's no place to go but up! Unless of course you really fuck up and get 3's. So I guess there is room for failure. Judging by their rehearsal I'd say there's actually quite a bit of room. She's FUCKED.
Monica "Roboto" Seles is just not gifted with grace. She can't even smile without Jonathon coaching her! She seriously starts to cry when trying! Monica! At least you CAN physically smile! Look at Priscilla! If she tried to smile her face would crack open and spill motor oil!
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Comments (8)
Great blog, keep up the good work. I love DWTS, but you are right... it is getting rather ridiculous.
GO KRISTI!
1 of 8 | Posted by squibby | Posted on March 29, 2008 2:48 PM
this whole recap was wrong on so many levels, but oh so funny.
And yes, Penn IS an asshole. Im finding Carrolla less disgusting by the day (especially since his Tourrettes acted up last week and he shouted BITCH at Carrie Ann. LOL Carrolla)
Jason Taylor is effing HAWT. Mark this on your calendar: Im calling him as the winner right here and now.
2 of 8 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on March 29, 2008 7:43 PM
Oh my God, this recap is so wrong, but I love it though.
I called Jason Taylor the winner on the first episode. Kristi might be the best one, it's going to be about a guy again this year.
3 of 8 | Posted by bigjr6633 | Posted on March 30, 2008 6:35 AM
I'd never heard of Jason Taylor before this DWTS, but daaaaayum. She is soooo going to be nailing him, if she's not already!
I think Yamaguchi will take it. I was one of those that thought she had an unfair advantage, but if you think about it, not so much. Sure, she would be better with following the music and being graceful with her hands and body, but she's never had to worry about her feet as much. The blades and ice did all the motion work.
4 of 8 | Posted by snarky | Posted on March 30, 2008 10:21 AM
Cristian is so hotter than Jason. Jason has a strange alien head. I think Jason's head was used as the model for the aliens at the end of CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE 3RD KIND.
Cristian is way sexier and he doesn't have an alien head.
5 of 8 | Posted by weasel dearest | Posted on March 30, 2008 6:03 PM
bBitz,
Good recap, but you know Yamaguchi is Japanese and foot binding is a Chinese tradition, right? Or did you just think that all Asians should be offended by Penn's comment...
6 of 8 | Posted by jesusloveswinners | Posted on March 31, 2008 1:02 PM
To "jesusloveswinners":
I actually did know that but you'll notice I ignore fact for a good joke quite often. :) BTW - Does your ID refer to a line from "DDG". You're my hero if it does!
7 of 8 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on April 2, 2008 12:57 AM
bBitz - good to know. :) Sometimes I miss the joke when overwhelmed by a compulsion to correct...
And yes, my ID is absolutely a reference to DDG - I'm glad someone else is a fan.
8 of 8 | Posted by jesusloveswinners | Posted on April 2, 2008 6:10 PM