She says she feels uncomfortable with the facial expressions, like smiling, because she "never had to do them before." Ummm - what?! Not smiling on the the tennis courts - I get it. BUT HAVE YOU NEVER SMILED ONE MOMENT IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?!? Geez lady - no wonder you cry all the time. Start taking whatever the Gut's on.
Oh look! It's Monica being sexy! Oh look! My penis just retreated back into my spleen!
Monica had to go to Japan in the last week for business (my guess she's hocking hormones to the wee lil' people - either that or, as I predicted, they're remaking "Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto!). So Jonathon went with her to give her the extra practice that she DESPERATLEY needs. He must've looked like a giant over there. "GOD-ZIRAH!!"
They Mambo and Monica shakes it like a Polaroid picture. And that would be a Polaroid picture of this:
BWAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! This IS my smile! BWAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Yeah - not much better this week. She seriously dances like it physically hurts her to have rhythm. She tries though - gotta give her that. Shakes her skirt, waves her finger - everything short of a retarded hokey-pokey. She even cracks several smiles without bleeding out.
Good news! She's crying before the judges even talk! Bruno seems so concerned that she connect with the music. Honestly, if I was judging I would've said "It was great having you on the show!" and left it at that. Carrie gives her props for at least trying her best - which really I think she was. It just WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH! (cue more crying) Len spares us a "freckled cockle" metaphor and tells Monica to stick with tennis.
It's another round of 5's across the board. Samantha comments "Well - you didn't go up - but you didn't go down!" Thanks for that Samantha - any other words of brilliance?! I'd pay good money to see Monica practice a backhand on her. Monica says this is the first time she's learned the difference between a Mambo and a mango. I'll give you a hint - a mango is sweet and juicy - and your mambo made Jesus cry. See how easy that was?
Next up Penn and Kym. Kym tries to teach Penn good posture with a bar across his back:
Looks like a python huh? Oh how I wish it was!
But it's not big enough so asshole decides to destroy dance studio property:
And makes himself a bigger posture bar:
Wow. WWPD?
After dicking around during rehearsal they decide to go piss away time at Penn's magic studio. (Kym has clearly given up teaching Sasquatch to dance) Penn realizes Kym has given up on him so he decides to cut the bitch:
Literally.
Best part of that?! They never show her come out of that trick alive! OMG! He killed her! Luckily ABC planned on Penn losing it at some point and have a cloned Kym ready to take her place.
Back on the dance floor, our team of "Worthless and Hopeless" attempt the Quick-Step. Penn starts it off by stabbing a Bruno Voodoo doll.
Really Penn? Wouldn't it just be easier to saw him in half too?
Penn goes on to dance like (and I mean this in the best possible way) a complete fucking mental. If a Neanderthal was to mate with Monica Seles the love-child would be Penn Jillette dancing the Quick-Step. He thunders around the stage with nary a dance step in mind.
They finish with Penn mounting Kym. I'm guessing this was his idea. I hope Kym didn't want her spine to stay where it was.
CRRRRRRRACK!
Len actually says he thought Penn was "having a go at a proper quick-step" but that his feet were a mess. Then Penn makes a horrific joke about his feet being "bound for two weeks". Apparently they restrained Yamaguchi since she never came out to kick him in the balls for that comment.
Bruno tells Penn his feet were "really, really, really bad". Looks like the voodoo doll did the trick. Carrie says she loves Penn because he's fun to watch. And which show are you watching Carrie? Cause I'd love to write the recap for that one.
Penn exits with Kym and trips on the stairs on the way up but says he was "kidding". Oh Penn. You're so funny you should have our own show in Vegas. IF ONLY. Ugh.
Back in the green room Penn tells the kids at home "Learning to dance is not fun." Thanks Penn - wanna suggest they try drugs or roulette while you're at it?
Carrie and Len give them a six while Bruno sticks it back to Penn with a 5. Good for him.
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Comments (8)
Great blog, keep up the good work. I love DWTS, but you are right... it is getting rather ridiculous.
GO KRISTI!
1 of 8 | Posted by squibby | Posted on March 29, 2008 2:48 PM
this whole recap was wrong on so many levels, but oh so funny.
And yes, Penn IS an asshole. Im finding Carrolla less disgusting by the day (especially since his Tourrettes acted up last week and he shouted BITCH at Carrie Ann. LOL Carrolla)
Jason Taylor is effing HAWT. Mark this on your calendar: Im calling him as the winner right here and now.
2 of 8 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on March 29, 2008 7:43 PM
Oh my God, this recap is so wrong, but I love it though.
I called Jason Taylor the winner on the first episode. Kristi might be the best one, it's going to be about a guy again this year.
3 of 8 | Posted by bigjr6633 | Posted on March 30, 2008 6:35 AM
I'd never heard of Jason Taylor before this DWTS, but daaaaayum. She is soooo going to be nailing him, if she's not already!
I think Yamaguchi will take it. I was one of those that thought she had an unfair advantage, but if you think about it, not so much. Sure, she would be better with following the music and being graceful with her hands and body, but she's never had to worry about her feet as much. The blades and ice did all the motion work.
4 of 8 | Posted by snarky | Posted on March 30, 2008 10:21 AM
Cristian is so hotter than Jason. Jason has a strange alien head. I think Jason's head was used as the model for the aliens at the end of CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE 3RD KIND.
Cristian is way sexier and he doesn't have an alien head.
5 of 8 | Posted by weasel dearest | Posted on March 30, 2008 6:03 PM
bBitz,
Good recap, but you know Yamaguchi is Japanese and foot binding is a Chinese tradition, right? Or did you just think that all Asians should be offended by Penn's comment...
6 of 8 | Posted by jesusloveswinners | Posted on March 31, 2008 1:02 PM
To "jesusloveswinners":
I actually did know that but you'll notice I ignore fact for a good joke quite often. :) BTW - Does your ID refer to a line from "DDG". You're my hero if it does!
7 of 8 | Posted by bBitz | Posted on April 2, 2008 12:57 AM
bBitz - good to know. :) Sometimes I miss the joke when overwhelmed by a compulsion to correct...
And yes, my ID is absolutely a reference to DDG - I'm glad someone else is a fan.
8 of 8 | Posted by jesusloveswinners | Posted on April 2, 2008 6:10 PM