Narcissism Celebrated
So apparently not enough people have complained to Bravo yet about how horrible this show is, so here we go with another episode of Date My Ex. After a quick look back at last week's nightmare, we join Jo and her bimbette friends once again at Toast. Brunette Friend wants to know what Jo's type is. Well let's see. Rich, pretentious, annoying, obnoxious... wears stupid caps, does that cover it? Jo says that she likes guys who are affectionate. Not affectionate like tongue down your throat in public affectionate, but like guys who hold your hand. Wow, aim high Jo. You've clearly given this a lot of extra special thought. Jo tells us this is turning out to be way more fun than she ever expected, so bring on the three new cute boys. Roger that, Jo. Will do. We're all here for you and your glorious experience.
First we meet Steve, 24, Entrepreneur... another code for unemployed. I'm sure Steve is just bubbling over with tons of fabulous new business ideas. Steve tells us he is good looking, smart, debonair, and handsome. So does Steve think he's attractive or what? I'm confused. Next we meet Andra, 28, Building Contractor. The way I hear his name in my head is Ahn-druh. That's what it looks like, right? He tells us he's a southern gentlemen with a bad boy side. That is so interesting. He says it takes a very special person to even get the opportunity to try to figure him out. Oh geez. Guess what, Ahn-druh. No one cares. Finally we meet Zack, 27, Jewelry Rep/Model. Oh goody, a slashy. Zack is very, very special. He is a mild-mannered jewelry rep by day, but as a hobby he is a fashion model. First of all, what on earth is a jewelry rep? Does he randomly drop in to offices with a briefcase full of bling, or are we talking parties where he invites all the ladies over to look at his collection and sign up to work for him and give him 10% of all their sales? Secondly, he's a fashion model as a HOBBY? I thought modeling was the sort of thing that pays so well that you can work sporadically and still live quite comfortably. So he's begging people to buy his rhinestones all day, then to unwind, just as a hobby mind you, no need to pay him, he hits the catwalk and does us all a big favor? To top it all off, as if this weren't bad enough, Zack has nicknamed himself a "Zack of All Trades." Clever, Zack. Would one of those trades be molecular biology or quantum physics? No? I don't believe it! This guy seems like a male version of Jo... perfect!
As the three new guys sit around shooting the breeze, a random cordless phone rings. Ahn-druh shows what a man he is by being the only one brave enough to answer. Surprise of surprises, it's Blonde Bangs telling the guys to step into the backyard. I just love it when the producers throw us for a loop like this. I mean, usually we meet in the living room, but tonight we're going to meet in the BACKYARD! I'm right on the edge of my seat! Blonde Bangs goes through her usual song and dance about the rules of this awesome competition and then she brings out David and Lucas to strut around and act superior, then send the guys down the hall to their floor mattresses. But who should be waiting in the tiny bedroom to terrorize the new recruits? That's right, it's Slade the Iron Man. He's wearing dog tags today, m'kay? Not like diamond encrusted platinum dog tags à la Jason of The Hills, but regular old standard issue army dog tags. As if this piece of crap ever did anything for anyone but himself. Slade lets us and the guys know that they should be highly intimidated here in his home. Yawn.
Brainless Zack of All Trades
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Comments (4)
Dearest HoneyGangsta: Can we petition Flipit to get you a Purple Heart Medal for you having to watch this show? It is so excruciating I can never handle more than two consecutive minutes at a time before projectile vomiting my innards at the TV, I don't know how you can stand to watch the whole thing. Jo was the LEAST interesting out of ALL the bitches on that fucking OC show, and it just kills me that she's the one who gets the spin-off... dammit, I'd rather see Jeana the BBW going out on dates with hot guys, at least she's smart and can talk about stuff (and truth be told, she still has quite a pretty face, much better than Jo's ugly mug). Bravo, are you listening?
Anyhow, great job Honey, you wring every last drop of funny out of this train-wreck...
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. I've also noticed how self-conscious Jo is around truly beautiful women, I think that's why she didn't quite fit in with some of the Housewives... too much competition so she moved back to L.A.? Hmmmm.
1 of 4 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 8, 2008 10:07 AM
Honey,
I'm sorry I can't guarantee any intelligent comments, but at least I'm overflowing with sympathy. I tried to watch this episode, I really tried hard, in solidarity with you and because I love your recaps and wanted to be up on all happenings. But after screaming at my TV for the first 15 minutes, throwing insults and finally, almost, my drink, I gave up. I decided I will just take advantage of your sacrifice for humanity in watching this crap fest, and focus solely on the recaps. I hope you feel good knowing you're taking one for the rest of us. Do not dare despaire, and quit. It would destroy me. Your recaps are 'SOOOOOO CUUUUUU-AHHHHHHHH'. :)
I really think this moron bitch knows no other words to express her feelings, desires or state of mind (OK,this last one might be a physical impossibility for her, and a contradiction in terms in her case). But if I hear her describe a grown man as cute one more time I'm gonna hurl. I'm glad you mentioned her friends being much prettier. How on earth she got this show 'becasue of her beauty' is beyond me. All she can do is giggle idiotically, scream and baby-talk at the most inopportune moments, roll her head and close her eyes to slits to show pleasure, and make a sour-puss face is she's not pleased with something. I've never ever seen a person so much in love with herself, selfcentered and such an attention and fame whore.
Now that I realized that it is her screatching makes me physically ill, I will no longer attempt to watch this idiot-fest, but will never stop reading your recaps. Rest happy that your sacrifice, the death of your grey matter with each episode, is not in vain, and know that the legions of us who can't stand this bitch but are addicted to the show, salute you.
2 of 4 | Posted by renata | Posted on August 8, 2008 10:13 AM
Omg, I'm dying, your recaps are HILARIOUS!
"As if this piece of crap ever did anything for anyone but himself"
I'm so glad you're here to watch this garbage for me and then cleverly mock it for my enjoyment.
3 of 4 | Posted by Nemesiis | Posted on August 8, 2008 3:52 PM
As always, the recap is brilliant. The line about fruit is NOT dessert ... classic (and so true!) What a let down, umm, where's the chocolate?
I'm glad to say, still not watching this show, do you hear that Bravo? I'm purposefully avoiding even the commercials. But thank you for the great recap!
4 of 4 | Posted by chelle | Posted on August 11, 2008 7:33 PM