"Slade has two swimming pools?"
So this week a family member of mine set the DVR to record the Olympics EVERY TIME it was on. This of course, means that the Olympics were recording for at least 12 hours every day and the DVR started eliminating everything else that was recorded, most alarmingly, Date My Ex. I know you've all been biting your nails to the nub waiting to read about how Jo is proceeding so the minute the rerun came on - which is right now - I got right to the recap. With apologies for Olympic tardiness, I present to you episode five.
You can't control Jo, m'kay?
She's meeting her final three dufuses tonight and Blonde Bangs tells us she's already been out with 13 guys. I wonder how many guys came to the casting call. Twelve? Anyway, tonight we meet Chuck, 28, Clinical Pharmacist. Clinical Pharmacist and he wants to meet Jo? Either this guy had a really hard time in high school or his "clinical pharmacy" consists of a meth lab. He says that Jo seems like a fun girl with a lot of aspirations. Okay, whatever Chuck. Next is Rameil, 42, Investor. Well he's in Slade's age range and has similar graying facial hair, so Get off of mRameil is on the right track so far. He tells us that his name means "tall god" and he's trying to live up to that. Oh boy. He says that Jo reminds him of a Ferrari Testarossa because she's beautiful and powerful. And don't forget, Rameil, she has tomato boobs, too. Finally we meet Peter, 28, Surf Instructor. Peter looks a bit like a gorilla and claims to be the life of the party.
Blonde Bangs explains the rules and brings out the four guys who are moving on to second date status. They do a walk through and rip on each of the three new guys. And here comes Slade. Today he has done away with the jeans/t-shirt/crocheted cap look and decided to don a three piece suit and sunglasses. I'm actually not sure which ensemble is worse. Either way he looks like a complete creep. Slade thinks he remembers Rameil from high school. Just kidding. The three newbies settle into their tiny chambers and sit down to play a game of cards. Not so fast, studmuffins. David has come up with a really fun game to play called "Initiate the New Guys."
It's not all fun and games at Slade's house.
He makes them all change into their bathing suits and then brings them to the pond in front of "Slade's" front door. He tells them that he'll toss a handful of coins into the pond and whoever can collect the most will be the winner. And it's supposed to have something to do with showing Jo how much they like her, etc. They guys leap in and start digging around for the coins, which is difficult because the bottom of the pond is all gray stones.
"Get off of my quarter!"
Apparently Slade hears a suspicious noise because he comes rushing out the front door demanding to know what the new guys are doing bobbing around in his water feature. Yes, he very carefully explains to everyone that this is a "water feature," not a pond, and as such everyone better get out of there quick. It is the height of disrespect to treat Slade's water feature like a playground and he will not stand for it! He says "water feature" at least 15 times before we get to the reason he came outside in the first place. It's time for Chuck to go on his date.
"Can I get anyone a pharmaceutical?"
« New York Goes to Hollywood: JingHOism | | Shear Genius: Double, Double, Toils And Troubles! »
Comments (8)
Great recap! I watched Real Housewives and hated Jo, so I don't watch this mess, but I appreciate you suffering through it to recap it.
And I don't want this to sound the least bit like I'm defending Jo (because I think she's a brainless golddigger), but why would she learn to surf just because she's from Orange County? I grew up there and I never learned to surf, and know plenty of people that didn't. Surfboards are expensive, locals are aholes about sharing their waves with people learning how to surf, and there are parts of Orange County that are (gasp, the horrors) at least 20-30 miles inland.
1 of 8 | Posted by SnackyCakes420 | Posted on August 23, 2008 3:10 PM
HA! Good call, SnackyCakes. I grew up in Utah - about 20 feet from all of the Olympic ski resorts - and never learned to ski so I have no room talk myself.
I just can't pass up an opportunity to criticize Jo. Whether it makes sense or not. :)
LOVES!
-HG
2 of 8 | Posted by honey gangsta | Posted on August 23, 2008 3:53 PM
This show is beyond a train wreck, it is... an airplane crash? I can't even say how painful it is; the only way I can say how dreadful I think it is, is that my criticism comes from a lady who actually watched "The Littlest Groom" years ago. For those of you who don't know what that was, it was a dating competition where the women were trying to win the love of a dwarf. They bought in a group of dwarf women part way through the show, to make it even worse- would he choose a normal sized woman, or a dwarf woman? Yes, I find "Date my Ex" worse than this show. I can only see small bits, then change the channel.
Why do these shows always make a big deal about how the losers must leave the house IMMEDIATELY? Tyra does this too.
I think the people who produce the show hate it too- anyone else notice how badly everyone is filmed? They all look very greasy and all blemishes stand out harshly... Any the "Let's just be friends" shit- do you think any of these ass clowns are ever seen again? She'd have alot of cheeseball loser guys hanging around.
Last, water feature? I saw this part- I had to listen really hard, because I colld not BELIEVE he was actually saying that. WATER FEATURE? I think I will now call my showers, toilets, sinks, anything with water, a WATER FEATURE. I shall also call the toilet paper with which to wipe my ass "raw cut swatches" in honor of Keith's signature design detail on Project Runway.
3 of 8 | Posted by missbunnyhugs | Posted on August 24, 2008 6:17 AM
Sorry for all my misspelling- It's earl, before coffee cup #2, and I was in a hurry to express my indignation.
Honeygangster, you are a saint to see this all the way through. You are truly doing penance for your next life.
Love,
Miss Bunnyhugs
4 of 8 | Posted by missbunnyhugs | Posted on August 24, 2008 6:24 AM
Honey, you got the lollipop that fell in a turd with this show, and that turd's name is JoAndSlade. Week after week it's like they're the only ones NOT in on the joke. Your screencap of the guys having an orgy in the WATER-FEATURE is beautiful, I just live for your descriptions, you are so totally talented, I think YOU should have a record deal instead of Jo (or at least a single or something... how about a chance to beat the crap out of her?) Sometimes I wish that for one of her "dates", one of the guys would take her to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter so they could feed people or try and place foster children or something meaningful. I'm sure she'd just cry and hold her nose at all the icky-gross losers until someone took them out of her sight.
much love to you, you do a great job!
love, hugs & kisses,
xoxoxox
J-Mo :)
5 of 8 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 25, 2008 8:08 PM
HG-
You got the recaps down to a tee! You should have done a recap of some of the olympics LOL.
Im glad, David-everything-is-a-sexual-joke-Guy is outta the pic. He was beginning to annoy me. I guess thats the reason I watch this train wreck of a show.
Honu
6 of 8 | Posted by heidiburt | Posted on August 26, 2008 10:46 AM
Just watched the Date My Ex from the other night and I am DYING to read your recap! Hope to see it soon! Your recaps crack me up! They are so spot on!
7 of 8 | Posted by joy2thewww | Posted on August 27, 2008 8:10 PM
I registered for this forum solely based on this recap!
It was so hilarious, you had me saying WATER FEATURE for a week.
You writing has an awesome humor style!!!!!
I didn't even see the episode and you had me ROFLMAO.
Thanks!
8 of 8 | Posted by penelopepope | Posted on September 3, 2008 10:29 PM