"Welcome to my sexy vat of crap!"
Welcome, one and all, to another episode of Date My Ex. To those of you out there with the amazing stamina it must take to keep tuning in to read about Jo De La Rosa as if she were the least bit important, I thank you heartily. As insulting as this show is, I love writing the recaps and seeing what you all have to say about it. It amuses me to no end. Join me please, as we continue our thrilling saga.
We join Jo in her confessional, telling us with her sly and manipulative facial expressions that since this week she is taking the guys out on dates she thought she'd mix things up a little and send THEM the polka dot hat box. Sure enough, it's sitting there on "Slade's" kitchen counter in the middle of their breakfast buffet in all of its orange glory. I guess the hot pink one opted out of this round.
Can anyone read?
There is a note addressed "To the Cute Boys," showcasing Jo's overwhelmingly extensive vocabulary for us once again and we read: "Hi Boys, I'm springing a really hot date on you. Pack an overnight bag and meet me at my house at 10A." Then Jo has actually deigned to pick up a pen and write something herself. "Can't wait to see you!!! -Jo. xoxoxo" And she's decorated this part with a heart and a smiley face. Oh, isn't she just the most adorable thing you've ever seen? Inside the box is a different colored gel spa mask for each guy, and none of them have any idea what they are. Slade announces that this is, in fact, the long anticipated Second Date, and the guys all sigh a little upon realizing it will be a group date and it will include Slade. Each guy takes a turn telling us he's happy to be going on this second date - how fascinating. Jo tells us that she thinks forcing the guys to live with Slade has made them hold back a bit, but she still wants Slade to stick around and keep an eye on everyone. Keep an eye on them? For what? Continued defense of Jo's untarnished honor?
Jo - complete with both airhead girlfriends - has rented a huge tour bus and loads everyone on it to head out to Palm Springs. As they set out, our resident genius Zack the Model tells us he's happy to have a good amount of time to spend with Jo, which Slade quickly interrupts to tell him that he'll be lucky if he gets a good amount of time with Jo because after all, no one knows how long this trip will last.
"I said, shut your face, Jo!"
Jo looks at Slade and puts on her hugest flirty smile - ugh I just want to slap her snotty little face. Zack asks if the guys can take turns sitting next to Jo and Jo charitably agrees. Slade proceeds on the road trip stewing in his own disgust with the whole situation. You only have yourself to thank, Slade, you freaking idiot. This is your party.
Upon arriving in Palm Springs Jo tells us she's here with the best of the best. That's so funny. The best from a slew of total morons? Congrats, Jo. We're all really jealous. She describes them as "passionate, affectionate, spontaneous, adventurous..." basically every quality she looks for in a guy. Notice she didn't say "intelligent, reasonable, kind or humble." Jo knows what she wants! She thinks she's going to get to know them on a deeper level. If you mean that you'll literally be underground, then rock on Jo. Otherwise, we are as deep as we're ever going to be. She has brought the guys to a freaking spa. You know, because guys love going to the spa and do so every time they get a chance. Self absorbed people always assume that their dates should be fixated on their own lame pastimes. Everyone gets into the swimming pool and then Jo announces that she's taking Chuck away for some private time.
If you'll recall, Chuck is the clinical pharmacist who took Jo wine tasting and now he is lucky enough to join her for a dual clay treatment. Jo maintains that she's doing everyone a huge favor. The spa staff starts spreading clay on the happy couple and then Chuck asks if he can take a turn spreading clay on Jo, and again, Jo magnanimously assents. He rubs it on her arms while they talk about how shy he is and Jo tells us that Chuck managed to make clay really sexy. Of course.
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Comments (6)
Wow. Shocking. Slade still has feelings for Jo. I hear that water is wet, fire is hot and salt tastes salty. When I broke up with my Ex, I couldn't even HEAR about him having a date with someone else for about two YEARS afterwards (or else it tore my heart to shreds completely and I'd go get drunk and eat entire packages of Double-Stuf Oreo Cookies and maybe a box or two of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and sometimes a whole chicken... and pie) so if any of this was ever for real and Slade really WAS able to sit by and watch all these (mostly) way hotter guys compete for Jo's scrunchy-faced supertwattiness, then it pretty much proves to me that he's a total and complete dickface who has never cared for anyone other than himself his entire life. You'd have to be cold as ice on the inside to literally put yourself through the torture of watching someone you really shared a deep and satisfying love connection with get submerged in soil with some new dumbass underwear model. It proves to me that the two of them deserve each other, because they're both the perfect narcissists, both completely shallow, both total and complete ASSHOLES!
It's not just cuz I'm a big homo that I don't care for Jo (she's so drag-queen, I really SHOULD just love her to death) but the sheer self-centered and fake way she deals with other adults says that no one has told her bitchass "no" about anything in a very long time, and I wished that whoever she would have picked (if it wasn't Slade already) would have second thoughts and decide to dump her ass on TV. THAT would make a great fucking episode of "Date My Ex"!
Awesome job as always Honey, and much love to you from other parts of the Bravo world...
love,
xoxoxo
J-Mo :)
1 of 6 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 28, 2008 12:01 AM
Much as I know I couldn't bear to watch this show, your recaps are delightful (and, I suspect, brutally honest).
I'm not surprised that J-Mo, another superlative recapper, is a "fan" as well.
Thanks!
2 of 6 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on August 28, 2008 9:20 AM
Honey,
I followed you here from 'the Bachelor' and have been thankful ever since to my lucky star. I would never be able to handle this show and keep my sanity at the same time. But your recaps guide me from the brink of despair I find myself every episode after listening to the first 5 minutes of this moronic bitch's talk.
This time I found myself screaming at my TV even earlier that usual, and after hearing the fist "You're cute" I tuned this dumb ho out, and focused solely on the visual. And I had an epiphany - This idiot bitch is ACTUALLY UGLY!!!
I mean really ugly, no joke. Why would the guys volunteer to try and date her is beyond me. She has no beauty, her personality is flat and stale as a week old pancake, her intelect is non-existent.
It is clear that her only interest in life is Jo, to the exclussion of everyone and everything else.
I realized that especially when she tries to smile and bat her eyes at the same time, her face scrunches up into a particularly unpleasant aparition.
I also peep my pants laughing when Zach said he could not stop thinking of Katie when he was with Jo. It was too perfect.
And I was just thinking how can a normal, well adjuted and seemingly not stupid guy like Chris really be so taken in by a clueless, brainless, obnoxious social climber like Jo? I figure he must be an actor, put in by Bravo to show that a 'normal' guy can take interest in her, because there is no way that he can be real.
I'm so happy this crap is almost over. My husband is seriously worried about my sanity when he hears me screaming obscenities at the TV. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your weekly sacrifice, in watching this piece of 'reality tv' and recapping it for us.
You are histerical, and your recaps are the only reason i even watch this show. Keep your spirits up - we the faceless legions of addicted reality tv fans, salute you.
The way I look at it is - the sacrifice of my nerves and grey matter lost or damaged while watching this bitch's antics is worth the amount of laughter I get from reading your recaps. Thanks, you add to my longevity with each epistole you pen.
3 of 6 | Posted by renia | Posted on August 28, 2008 2:53 PM
Honey-
Thanks for the amusing update! After watching this past weeks episode, the first thing I thought...this should be a good one for Honey to recap! It's a good break from the US/China Olympics. And the talking heads covering the DNC. Dont get me wrong, I do like hearing the speeches...Now I am getting my kicks of what the talking heads are saying at me, repeating the same thing, excitedly showing what new telestrator graphic-we-look-so-cool-playing with. But back to more important things...LOL....I never watched the real housewives. I wish I had so I could have seen Jo and Slade in their hideous togetherness!
Keep up the good work Honey!
Honu - Now the proud owner of Northern California Watsu spa.
4 of 6 | Posted by ukhonu | Posted on August 28, 2008 3:42 PM
WOW I love it I thought I was the only one who thought the same. What is it about Jo that is so amazing?. I mean she has a good body but besides the acne her nose is a beek. Most of the guys she dated on the show were losers. Slade is so pathetic, especially with the fuzz hanging off his beard. The english friend (bangs)is so annoying with that voice. She could make glass shatter. I think way too much attention is on JO. I know there are girls and guys that are not that attractive but something about their personality is amazing.
Jo does not have anything like that at all. I swear she is pocahontas reincarnated every time I watch the show. Maybe she should audition for Disney if her singing is so good. She could be a great voice over for a cartoon her mentality is right on.
5 of 6 | Posted by lisalott | Posted on August 29, 2008 7:28 AM
Omg, omg, OMG. Slade still has feelings for Jo!?!?!
No WAY! That just doesn't make any sense what-so-ever...Why would he agree to a dating show if he had FEELINGS for her??
GAAAHHH!!!
This show is transparent garbage!!!
Ahem.
Sorry. It's just that I actually watched this episode and it killed me a little bit on the inside.
Honey - Love the recap, you make this show funny instead of pathetic and sad.
And J-Mo - Thanks for throwing in the rant and my vocabulary word for the day. ("supertwattiness")
6 of 6 | Posted by Nemesiis | Posted on August 29, 2008 10:19 AM