It seems that Jo no longer feels it necessary to have Slade keeping an eye on everybody and it's actually just become downright weird, so Jo thinks it's best if Slade is no longer here. As we head out to suspenseful commercial, a little Bravo promo comes on asking us if we want to hear about Slade and Jo's first kiss and if so, we should log on to Bravo.com. What? NO, we don't want to hear about Slade and Jo's first kiss! Are they kidding? Who cares!? Isn't this SUPPOSEDLY all about Jo moving on? Great, sit her down and let her expand at length on her first kiss with Slade. That's very useful and highly interesting. Enough already!
And back from break we rewind a little for Jo to once again order Slade to leave. Slade tells us that he's really, really hurt, but he agrees it's best for him to step aside at this juncture, so he slinks away in his manpris. (In case you don't know that word, manpris are Capri pants being worn by a male. Also called Peter Panpris when the male in question appears to be a perpetual child. Quite apropos here, I would say.) The cameras gather to film Slade being driven off of the spa property in a town car and maybe we can finally move on with this crap.
Jo announces that it is now Chris's turn for private time and they go to have a joint watsu treatment. Watsu is apparently where you float in a pool and pay a "therapist" to move your arms and legs around as you surrender to the water. Are you serious? I mean, yes, it sounds nice, but really? I can charge people to float in my pool while I wiggle their arms? I think I have an idea for a business venture. Jo tells us that this watsu with Chris is - what else? - sexy. They're in their bathing suits and touching each other, oh my gosh!
Don't kid yourself. This takes years of training.
After the "therapists" are done working their magic, Jo and Chris huddle at the side of the pool and Jo goes into her "provocative" mode. She tilts her head down, looking up at Chris from under her fake eyelashes and talks in a very soft baby voice, asking what he wants out of all of this. This little act is so studied that Jo could probably write a dissertation on it if she were literate. Chris totally buys it, telling Jo he's here for her and he's so happy to have had the opportunity to meet her. Then he asks what she wants out of this. Jo says she wants a guy who will make her happy. Of course she does. She's not looking for a soul mate, a partner, someone to share her life. She's definitely not looking for someone whom she can make happy. Oh no. Jo is in this for Jo. Which of these guys can most adequately make JO happy? And for how long? I added that last question. Jo latches around Chris's neck and continues the doe eyes from under the polyester lashes, blinking, biting her lip, blinking again. Chris has no response. What's the problem? These little tricks have never failed in the past! What on earth is wrong with Chris that he's not kissing her right now? Is he mentally impaired? Chris gets a half a point from me for NOT kissing Jo. It's the first sane thing I've seen here.
Jo pulls out all the stops. And is denied.
Now it's Lucas's turn and he and Jo head for their spa treatment in what looks like pools of soil. I'll give you one guess as to whether this "spa treatment" is okay with Jo. "It's diiiirteeee, it's iiickeeee, it's smelleeeeee! It isn't sexeeeeee, waaaaaaaaah!"
"I'm mudeeeeeee! I'm not paying for this!"
They immediately climb out of the slop and take a sexy shower together to wash each other off. After that they sit down under a tree for Jo to renew her performance. She sits on Lucas's lap and sticks out her bottom lip, fluttering her eyelashes at him. Will it work this time? Will Lucas make a move? From out of nowhere a cat comes walking along and Lucas reaches out to pet it, saying, "Kitty wants some love." Jo is about to come out of her skin. What is WRONG with these guys? She looks at Lucas and says, "Jo wants some love." Really Jo? It's come to this? Lucas obliges and they give each other a tight lipped kiss that doesn't look sexy at all. Nevertheless, Jo beams to the camera and tells us that Lucas is a really good kisser. Sure he is.
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Comments (6)
Wow. Shocking. Slade still has feelings for Jo. I hear that water is wet, fire is hot and salt tastes salty. When I broke up with my Ex, I couldn't even HEAR about him having a date with someone else for about two YEARS afterwards (or else it tore my heart to shreds completely and I'd go get drunk and eat entire packages of Double-Stuf Oreo Cookies and maybe a box or two of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and sometimes a whole chicken... and pie) so if any of this was ever for real and Slade really WAS able to sit by and watch all these (mostly) way hotter guys compete for Jo's scrunchy-faced supertwattiness, then it pretty much proves to me that he's a total and complete dickface who has never cared for anyone other than himself his entire life. You'd have to be cold as ice on the inside to literally put yourself through the torture of watching someone you really shared a deep and satisfying love connection with get submerged in soil with some new dumbass underwear model. It proves to me that the two of them deserve each other, because they're both the perfect narcissists, both completely shallow, both total and complete ASSHOLES!
It's not just cuz I'm a big homo that I don't care for Jo (she's so drag-queen, I really SHOULD just love her to death) but the sheer self-centered and fake way she deals with other adults says that no one has told her bitchass "no" about anything in a very long time, and I wished that whoever she would have picked (if it wasn't Slade already) would have second thoughts and decide to dump her ass on TV. THAT would make a great fucking episode of "Date My Ex"!
Awesome job as always Honey, and much love to you from other parts of the Bravo world...
love,
xoxoxo
J-Mo :)
1 of 6 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 28, 2008 12:01 AM
Much as I know I couldn't bear to watch this show, your recaps are delightful (and, I suspect, brutally honest).
I'm not surprised that J-Mo, another superlative recapper, is a "fan" as well.
Thanks!
2 of 6 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on August 28, 2008 9:20 AM
Honey,
I followed you here from 'the Bachelor' and have been thankful ever since to my lucky star. I would never be able to handle this show and keep my sanity at the same time. But your recaps guide me from the brink of despair I find myself every episode after listening to the first 5 minutes of this moronic bitch's talk.
This time I found myself screaming at my TV even earlier that usual, and after hearing the fist "You're cute" I tuned this dumb ho out, and focused solely on the visual. And I had an epiphany - This idiot bitch is ACTUALLY UGLY!!!
I mean really ugly, no joke. Why would the guys volunteer to try and date her is beyond me. She has no beauty, her personality is flat and stale as a week old pancake, her intelect is non-existent.
It is clear that her only interest in life is Jo, to the exclussion of everyone and everything else.
I realized that especially when she tries to smile and bat her eyes at the same time, her face scrunches up into a particularly unpleasant aparition.
I also peep my pants laughing when Zach said he could not stop thinking of Katie when he was with Jo. It was too perfect.
And I was just thinking how can a normal, well adjuted and seemingly not stupid guy like Chris really be so taken in by a clueless, brainless, obnoxious social climber like Jo? I figure he must be an actor, put in by Bravo to show that a 'normal' guy can take interest in her, because there is no way that he can be real.
I'm so happy this crap is almost over. My husband is seriously worried about my sanity when he hears me screaming obscenities at the TV. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your weekly sacrifice, in watching this piece of 'reality tv' and recapping it for us.
You are histerical, and your recaps are the only reason i even watch this show. Keep your spirits up - we the faceless legions of addicted reality tv fans, salute you.
The way I look at it is - the sacrifice of my nerves and grey matter lost or damaged while watching this bitch's antics is worth the amount of laughter I get from reading your recaps. Thanks, you add to my longevity with each epistole you pen.
3 of 6 | Posted by renia | Posted on August 28, 2008 2:53 PM
Honey-
Thanks for the amusing update! After watching this past weeks episode, the first thing I thought...this should be a good one for Honey to recap! It's a good break from the US/China Olympics. And the talking heads covering the DNC. Dont get me wrong, I do like hearing the speeches...Now I am getting my kicks of what the talking heads are saying at me, repeating the same thing, excitedly showing what new telestrator graphic-we-look-so-cool-playing with. But back to more important things...LOL....I never watched the real housewives. I wish I had so I could have seen Jo and Slade in their hideous togetherness!
Keep up the good work Honey!
Honu - Now the proud owner of Northern California Watsu spa.
4 of 6 | Posted by ukhonu | Posted on August 28, 2008 3:42 PM
WOW I love it I thought I was the only one who thought the same. What is it about Jo that is so amazing?. I mean she has a good body but besides the acne her nose is a beek. Most of the guys she dated on the show were losers. Slade is so pathetic, especially with the fuzz hanging off his beard. The english friend (bangs)is so annoying with that voice. She could make glass shatter. I think way too much attention is on JO. I know there are girls and guys that are not that attractive but something about their personality is amazing.
Jo does not have anything like that at all. I swear she is pocahontas reincarnated every time I watch the show. Maybe she should audition for Disney if her singing is so good. She could be a great voice over for a cartoon her mentality is right on.
5 of 6 | Posted by lisalott | Posted on August 29, 2008 7:28 AM
Omg, omg, OMG. Slade still has feelings for Jo!?!?!
No WAY! That just doesn't make any sense what-so-ever...Why would he agree to a dating show if he had FEELINGS for her??
GAAAHHH!!!
This show is transparent garbage!!!
Ahem.
Sorry. It's just that I actually watched this episode and it killed me a little bit on the inside.
Honey - Love the recap, you make this show funny instead of pathetic and sad.
And J-Mo - Thanks for throwing in the rant and my vocabulary word for the day. ("supertwattiness")
6 of 6 | Posted by Nemesiis | Posted on August 29, 2008 10:19 AM