The final outing is a couples massage with Zack the Model next to a lake. As they lie on neighboring tables holding hands Zack spouts off about not liking Slade. Then he dismisses the masseuses and asks if he can massage Jo. What do you think? Of course he can and he does. This is so boring.
"I wonder how tan I'll get only halfway out of the blanket."
Later the two of them sit in spa robes and kiss while Jo shows Zack all of her teeth. Zack says he's thinking about the other guys, to which Jo says, "Zack, shut up!" and she proceeds to suck his face some more. Jo finishes this off by thanking Zack for her massage in baby talk.
At the conclusion of this display all four guys gather around a table where Jo and her friends are sitting. Blonde Bangs informs them that they will not be traveling back to LA with Jo, but will be going separately and then Jo will have to make her Elimination Decision. The guys climb into the tour bus and Jo and the gals continue to sip their tea, or whatever it is they're doing.
Back in LA the girls sit down for YET ANOTHER analysis with Jo. Once again she yammers about Slade and how weird it was to have him there, but how weird it was to send him home. But on to the next step! Jo definitely knows ONE of the guys she will dismiss, but she gets really confused when she tries to decide who else to send away. And here is an earnest quote from our beloved heroine: "It's like having four really cute pairs of shoes and not knowing which one you want to pick, so you just buy them all! But I can't do that." Yes, beloved readers, this is just like picking between four really cute pairs of shoes. Or four really cute headbands. Or four really cute scarves. What about four really cute colors of nail polish? Or four really cute eye shadows? Actually, we know from watching this that Jo NEVER chooses one makeup over another, but just wears all of them at the same time, all the time. Layer upon layer.
The next few minutes are a big waste of time (unlike the rest of this show) where the guys just sit around wondering what their chances might be for being chosen to stay in the house. Slade also makes an appearance to insult everyone and everyone feels really awkward. Blah, blah, blah.
Jo comes over in a slutty outfit to make sure Slade is okay with being thrown off of the spa date. Slade says that he has a lot of emotions about all of this and he's really been thinking about everything, but can he help Jo decide whom to keep? Jo says nope, she's already decided everything and doesn't need any help. Wow, slap in the graying facial hair, Slade.
Who will "just be friends?"
FINALLY we get to the elimination ceremony. Each guy takes a turn making a case for himself. Lucas says that Jo makes him smile all the time and he knows Jo has dated lots of different guys, but that he is really well rounded, so he hopes she chooses him. Chuck says that when he first met Jo he knew she was beautiful and as he got to know her he felt a connection and he hopes they'll get to continue that. Zack says that from the moment he and Jo laid eyes on each other they had an unbelievable amount of chemistry and attraction and it keeps on building as they spend time together. He wants to see where the relationship can go. Chris says that what he loves about Jo is her smile and how she laughs about everything. Also that she makes him feel comfortable in every situation. Wow, those were very profound and touching speeches all the way around. How will Jo ever choose? Ugh, now Jo goes around saying what she likes about each guy, but I honestly dozed off. I can't listen to her drone on anymore. PICK SOMEONE!
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Comments (6)
Wow. Shocking. Slade still has feelings for Jo. I hear that water is wet, fire is hot and salt tastes salty. When I broke up with my Ex, I couldn't even HEAR about him having a date with someone else for about two YEARS afterwards (or else it tore my heart to shreds completely and I'd go get drunk and eat entire packages of Double-Stuf Oreo Cookies and maybe a box or two of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and sometimes a whole chicken... and pie) so if any of this was ever for real and Slade really WAS able to sit by and watch all these (mostly) way hotter guys compete for Jo's scrunchy-faced supertwattiness, then it pretty much proves to me that he's a total and complete dickface who has never cared for anyone other than himself his entire life. You'd have to be cold as ice on the inside to literally put yourself through the torture of watching someone you really shared a deep and satisfying love connection with get submerged in soil with some new dumbass underwear model. It proves to me that the two of them deserve each other, because they're both the perfect narcissists, both completely shallow, both total and complete ASSHOLES!
It's not just cuz I'm a big homo that I don't care for Jo (she's so drag-queen, I really SHOULD just love her to death) but the sheer self-centered and fake way she deals with other adults says that no one has told her bitchass "no" about anything in a very long time, and I wished that whoever she would have picked (if it wasn't Slade already) would have second thoughts and decide to dump her ass on TV. THAT would make a great fucking episode of "Date My Ex"!
Awesome job as always Honey, and much love to you from other parts of the Bravo world...
love,
xoxoxo
J-Mo :)
1 of 6 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on August 28, 2008 12:01 AM
Much as I know I couldn't bear to watch this show, your recaps are delightful (and, I suspect, brutally honest).
I'm not surprised that J-Mo, another superlative recapper, is a "fan" as well.
Thanks!
2 of 6 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on August 28, 2008 9:20 AM
Honey,
I followed you here from 'the Bachelor' and have been thankful ever since to my lucky star. I would never be able to handle this show and keep my sanity at the same time. But your recaps guide me from the brink of despair I find myself every episode after listening to the first 5 minutes of this moronic bitch's talk.
This time I found myself screaming at my TV even earlier that usual, and after hearing the fist "You're cute" I tuned this dumb ho out, and focused solely on the visual. And I had an epiphany - This idiot bitch is ACTUALLY UGLY!!!
I mean really ugly, no joke. Why would the guys volunteer to try and date her is beyond me. She has no beauty, her personality is flat and stale as a week old pancake, her intelect is non-existent.
It is clear that her only interest in life is Jo, to the exclussion of everyone and everything else.
I realized that especially when she tries to smile and bat her eyes at the same time, her face scrunches up into a particularly unpleasant aparition.
I also peep my pants laughing when Zach said he could not stop thinking of Katie when he was with Jo. It was too perfect.
And I was just thinking how can a normal, well adjuted and seemingly not stupid guy like Chris really be so taken in by a clueless, brainless, obnoxious social climber like Jo? I figure he must be an actor, put in by Bravo to show that a 'normal' guy can take interest in her, because there is no way that he can be real.
I'm so happy this crap is almost over. My husband is seriously worried about my sanity when he hears me screaming obscenities at the TV. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your weekly sacrifice, in watching this piece of 'reality tv' and recapping it for us.
You are histerical, and your recaps are the only reason i even watch this show. Keep your spirits up - we the faceless legions of addicted reality tv fans, salute you.
The way I look at it is - the sacrifice of my nerves and grey matter lost or damaged while watching this bitch's antics is worth the amount of laughter I get from reading your recaps. Thanks, you add to my longevity with each epistole you pen.
3 of 6 | Posted by renia | Posted on August 28, 2008 2:53 PM
Honey-
Thanks for the amusing update! After watching this past weeks episode, the first thing I thought...this should be a good one for Honey to recap! It's a good break from the US/China Olympics. And the talking heads covering the DNC. Dont get me wrong, I do like hearing the speeches...Now I am getting my kicks of what the talking heads are saying at me, repeating the same thing, excitedly showing what new telestrator graphic-we-look-so-cool-playing with. But back to more important things...LOL....I never watched the real housewives. I wish I had so I could have seen Jo and Slade in their hideous togetherness!
Keep up the good work Honey!
Honu - Now the proud owner of Northern California Watsu spa.
4 of 6 | Posted by ukhonu | Posted on August 28, 2008 3:42 PM
WOW I love it I thought I was the only one who thought the same. What is it about Jo that is so amazing?. I mean she has a good body but besides the acne her nose is a beek. Most of the guys she dated on the show were losers. Slade is so pathetic, especially with the fuzz hanging off his beard. The english friend (bangs)is so annoying with that voice. She could make glass shatter. I think way too much attention is on JO. I know there are girls and guys that are not that attractive but something about their personality is amazing.
Jo does not have anything like that at all. I swear she is pocahontas reincarnated every time I watch the show. Maybe she should audition for Disney if her singing is so good. She could be a great voice over for a cartoon her mentality is right on.
5 of 6 | Posted by lisalott | Posted on August 29, 2008 7:28 AM
Omg, omg, OMG. Slade still has feelings for Jo!?!?!
No WAY! That just doesn't make any sense what-so-ever...Why would he agree to a dating show if he had FEELINGS for her??
GAAAHHH!!!
This show is transparent garbage!!!
Ahem.
Sorry. It's just that I actually watched this episode and it killed me a little bit on the inside.
Honey - Love the recap, you make this show funny instead of pathetic and sad.
And J-Mo - Thanks for throwing in the rant and my vocabulary word for the day. ("supertwattiness")
6 of 6 | Posted by Nemesiis | Posted on August 29, 2008 10:19 AM