Welcome back to week two! It's Denise Richards versus the world this week. Or at least tabloid journalism. She also attempts to stop using the C-word, which I sure can't figure out why she would want to. But our Itchy is complicated. And I don't pretend to understand her mysterious ways. Read on as I try and understand the ways of this exotic she-creature.
A little bit rock n roll, a lot cuntry.
So this week starts off with another sad tale of celebrity wrongdoing. Itchy, Oldrina and sister Michelle are going over the latest tangled tales and they're all LTAO. Shocking news! Betrayed! the rags cry. "The ring is back on", says Oldrina dramatically and the girls have a laugh. But really. How dare those tabloids print false information. Well, how about no information then. Will that make ya happy, Big D? Methinks not. Itchy only likes to hear what her private yert-dweling paps have to say. But really. How could people even believe this crap? Itchy can't fathom how people can buy those twisted, hurtful non-truths.
"Did you drive by her house playing "Wanted Dead or Alive" on a boom box?" inquires Oldrina. Which would be awesome, parenthetically. Actually it was the other way around, Not our Itchy. Apparently "she" had to drive down the hill past Itchy to get out of the neighborhood and she would play her Bon Jovi as loud as possible. At least it was a good song, concedes Itchy.
Wait. Are you trying to get Charlie's sperm? No really. US Weekly is way more reliable than Star.
And now intro time! It never gets old.
Chinga tu madre!
Back on the farm, Itchy has nothing else to do but read everything that's written about her, as no one realizes she actually doesn't do anything but read what they make up. Now she is checking out a Perez Hilton posting on her, titled "Skank Alert". This upsets Oldrina, as this might get in the way of her relentless pursuit of setting Itchy up with a non-whoring, small-membered man.
People are so mean and have a lot of time on their hands, the girls lament. "She looks like eighties hooker", the post says. Maybe I should take it as a compliment, she suggests. Yeah, she should! It means Charlie will want her back. They trot out the Spitzer girl as proof that high class hookers are indeed hot stuff. You're in good company. Chuck will want you. But in all seriousness. People are so mean to pretty girls.
Show some sensitivity. She's an amputee hooker.
She takes the Perez piece to her dad (she even printed it out) and wah-wahs about it. Her dad calls him a jerk, but Itchy says that's not the half of it. He's a f*cking asshole. He doesn't even know her! I mean, come on. At least give her nineties hooker. That cross permanently tied around her neck just screams 1992 YM model.
Back off, c*nt. YM was a great f*cking magazine.
Her dad thinks that she looks nice in that picture. Well #$%* them! shouts Itchy. And then like eight more times. She sure loves that word. And the family starts laughing like she's a two-year-old that just discovered a new vocabulary word. Speaking of, then her daughters run in and we realize the gravitas of this sitch. The young things could have heard the "F" word. Now that would be a travesty. How bout they find out that their dad loves hookers? Hooker-loving is like puppies and rainbows compared to some profanity.
So with the prospect of young children hearing the filth spewing forth from mommy's mouth, Itchy realizes that she needs to curb this habit before it spirals out of control. How 'bout a money jar, she suggests? Dad sees right through that one. Oh, you don't care about that. She'll just toss a few quarters in and keep on truckin'. What will really cut her to the quick? What would truly cut any woman living in the Western world to the quick? There's only one answer: Messing with their SHOE COLLECTION. As we've learned from SATC, women aren't complete without their overpriced, designer-labeled shoe collection. They like shoes better than sex, chocolate and champagne. Women love shoes. So this will indeed be more painful than finding out your husband is famous for boffing hookers.
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Comments (7)
I don't really like her and she seems like a crazy person. Also, that was a cop out when she said, "How does one steal somebody's husband?", you could tell the woman interviewing her was like Bitch,please. Anyways, great recap IS, loving the spanish phrases.
1 of 7 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on June 5, 2008 3:02 AM
I agree...regretfully...I do kind of like her, I don't know, she just sort of says what she's thinking and I can appreciate that. Most of what she's thinking is delusional, but that's ok!
2 of 7 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on June 5, 2008 6:54 AM
i'm with you lady s. i'm diggin denise more than i thought i would.
seriously, how DO you steal somebody's husband? steal their wallet, steal their car, but stealing a grown man who is (semi) capable of making his own decisions and blow drying his own hair? laughable. (brad pitt can attest to this. don't sell him short. he has free will and there wasn't a gun to his head that we know of).
women have a way of siding against the other woman in such a catty way...totally letting the guy off the hook in these situations. what a show of female comradere. see you next tuesday ladies. gotta keep yourself in check.
men make more money and run the world...but a great pair of breasts will make them ditch their wives and lives? hardly. ok, i'm not saying NEVER....but c'mon. who's the villain here?
maybe i side with her a bit because we have a few things in common. (though my interaction with heather locklear is much, much less...or possibly not at all). my single motherhood, penchant for a kinky dude and love of all curse words puts me right up there ripe for criticism. i can't imagine what it'd be like to do all that AND have to worry about someone watching and blasting it all over the press. i suppose her millions would comfort me in a way only cold hard cash can.
the one thing i find comical is that we get reminded often of the bond film and wild things (both of which i haven't seen). lets be honest here, to me she'll always be the chick with the lips in starship troopers.
go get'em denise. fuck'em if they can't take a joke.
3 of 7 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on June 5, 2008 7:03 AM
She does have a perfect nose.
I am finding her to be much more likable than I thought I would, and your first recap was so hilarious that I set a series recording for this show on my DVR.
4 of 7 | Posted by mle428 | Posted on June 5, 2008 1:57 PM
While it is true that men have he capacity to make their own decisions, women know that if they really want a man they can get him so I think that there can be such a thing as stealing another person's SO. Catty and breaking female camaraderie or whatever as it may seem. Anyways, I don't know, I just don't like her, I obviously don't know her so I'm just saying from the little I've seen of her show. She just seems fake to me. But everyone's entitled to their opinion.
5 of 7 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on June 7, 2008 12:43 PM
ugh...i wrote 5 paragraphs and then somehow i managed to click on that damn floating Yahoo 'Y' and it killed everything i wrote and took me to the babelfish translation page. balls. thanks for nothing yahoo.
anyhoo, mitchypr - i hear ya...but i just think you're selling an entire gender short if men are really that easy. (although i will accept that MOST of them are). i also accept the fact that we're talking about richie sambora here...and that denise is hot. locklear always looked like an older carolanne from poltergiest to me.
if a man (even married) already has one foot out the door...i don't think it's "stealing" per say. those rat bastards would hop on the first acceptable piece of tail to cross their path. the bottom line is he has a choice.
ps: i do commend you on the proper spelling of comaraderie. ech. i butchered that with bells on.
6 of 7 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on June 7, 2008 6:25 PM
k37744, I agree with what you said, I guess "stealing" is a strong word.I just feel for Heather Locklear cause they were married for a long time and that's gotta suck. And the fact that Denise says that they weren't really friends anymore, IMO, that could hurt even more because you lose a friend and then your husband to said friend. Although that depends on how good of friends they were. I don't know, I guess I always side with the dumped woman. I feel bad for her, it can't have been easy.
7 of 7 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on June 10, 2008 8:16 AM