So where do we go from here? Now it's time for Itchy to check in with her agent Chuck James. He's been her agent for fifteen years. He's a dear friend to her so she feels like she can confide in him her faux pas of calling a journalist a f*cking c*nt. She explains: I blew up, yelled at her, cried and walked out. She repeats the name she called her a few times. Then they take turns spelling it out. It's like a celebration of a crowning achievement in the English language and I LOL each time. C*NTC*NTC*NT!!!! It sure is underutilized in this world. I want to start using it as a term of endearment. Oh, you lovable c*nt!
I busted my ass to get you in "Blonde and Blonder" and you're just going to throw your career away like this? You C*NT!
But when is this crap gonna end? moans Itchy. It's hard to be beautiful and rich and misunderstood. Chuck James recommends going on the record once and for all with a reliable new portal and Itchy says that she's had offers from several magazines so she's just going to talk to the most reputable and The World can see the Real Itchy and decide for Themselves. Just end it and redirect the energy, says Chuck. Oh, yeah. Let's get that energy flowing in a new stream. Maybe we can bust The Secret and manifest a new bicycle while we're at it.
So Itchy chooses Redbook. She knows her publicist might not approve but she's tired of saying no comment. Itchy has lots and lots of comments, some of them involving really awesome and creative uses of profanity. And Redbook? You can't get much older and lamer than that crowd. Itchy will look like a square for sure! Not counting the racy ads those Celebrity Apprentii made last season, Redbook is a safe way to come across as a good martyred single mother.
Itchy goes home and lines up her interview with Redbook and dad is in the kitchen supervising to make sure she doesn't fly off the handle, Itchy style. She knows that Redbook is known for bringing the "hard-hitting" jounalism, but Itchy is prepared for it. She's gonna be honest. She's tired of being beaten down and tired of being told how to say things. She just really wants to let it rip. Can't a girl just do that?
Don't f*ck with me, you f*cking f*ck. Or I'll bring my cameras to your offices, too. Denise is gonna show Denise who's boss.
Next day Itchy and Dad are in the car driving to the shoot, and Itchy is cussin' up a storm, which means by this point she's probably lost 50% of her 5,594 pairs of shoes. She says she looks like sh*t cause she has no make up on, but Itchy always look perfect. Whatevs.
So she informs us that she loves to get her hair and makeup done and be the pampered princess that she is. But she can't fully enjoy the process today because the interviewer, Lori, had the nerve to show up and get her all anxious. Itchy needs a massage now. She needs someone to touch her lovingly other than Charlotte and her cloven hoof.
Richard and Karen are doing her hair and makeup and she trusts them implicitly. They have known her a long time and she can count on them to give her solid advice. So she decides to ask them how honest she should be. You have to be careful, because they can turn on you, warns Sage Karen. Oh, it's time to tell your side of the story, encourages Richard, throwing caution to the wind. Everybody is talking except you. So spill it, puta! Should she bring up Heather? she muses. As long as you don't sound angry is the consensus. So, basically. Yes yes yes!
Sometimes we just gotta humiliate ourselves for the betterment of humanity.
And I think Itchy looks really beautiful in the shoot. That amputee hooker has a perfect nose at least. She says that the last Redbook cover she did was with hooker-lover ex-douchebag and that they'd broken up by the time it came out. The photographer explains that it happens when every couple he shoots, elucidating why the demise happened after all. All this hooker talk and it was all just this a-hole!
This is one of my classic poses from the f*cking YM days.
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Comments (7)
I don't really like her and she seems like a crazy person. Also, that was a cop out when she said, "How does one steal somebody's husband?", you could tell the woman interviewing her was like Bitch,please. Anyways, great recap IS, loving the spanish phrases.
1 of 7 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on June 5, 2008 3:02 AM
I agree...regretfully...I do kind of like her, I don't know, she just sort of says what she's thinking and I can appreciate that. Most of what she's thinking is delusional, but that's ok!
2 of 7 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on June 5, 2008 6:54 AM
i'm with you lady s. i'm diggin denise more than i thought i would.
seriously, how DO you steal somebody's husband? steal their wallet, steal their car, but stealing a grown man who is (semi) capable of making his own decisions and blow drying his own hair? laughable. (brad pitt can attest to this. don't sell him short. he has free will and there wasn't a gun to his head that we know of).
women have a way of siding against the other woman in such a catty way...totally letting the guy off the hook in these situations. what a show of female comradere. see you next tuesday ladies. gotta keep yourself in check.
men make more money and run the world...but a great pair of breasts will make them ditch their wives and lives? hardly. ok, i'm not saying NEVER....but c'mon. who's the villain here?
maybe i side with her a bit because we have a few things in common. (though my interaction with heather locklear is much, much less...or possibly not at all). my single motherhood, penchant for a kinky dude and love of all curse words puts me right up there ripe for criticism. i can't imagine what it'd be like to do all that AND have to worry about someone watching and blasting it all over the press. i suppose her millions would comfort me in a way only cold hard cash can.
the one thing i find comical is that we get reminded often of the bond film and wild things (both of which i haven't seen). lets be honest here, to me she'll always be the chick with the lips in starship troopers.
go get'em denise. fuck'em if they can't take a joke.
3 of 7 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on June 5, 2008 7:03 AM
She does have a perfect nose.
I am finding her to be much more likable than I thought I would, and your first recap was so hilarious that I set a series recording for this show on my DVR.
4 of 7 | Posted by mle428 | Posted on June 5, 2008 1:57 PM
While it is true that men have he capacity to make their own decisions, women know that if they really want a man they can get him so I think that there can be such a thing as stealing another person's SO. Catty and breaking female camaraderie or whatever as it may seem. Anyways, I don't know, I just don't like her, I obviously don't know her so I'm just saying from the little I've seen of her show. She just seems fake to me. But everyone's entitled to their opinion.
5 of 7 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on June 7, 2008 12:43 PM
ugh...i wrote 5 paragraphs and then somehow i managed to click on that damn floating Yahoo 'Y' and it killed everything i wrote and took me to the babelfish translation page. balls. thanks for nothing yahoo.
anyhoo, mitchypr - i hear ya...but i just think you're selling an entire gender short if men are really that easy. (although i will accept that MOST of them are). i also accept the fact that we're talking about richie sambora here...and that denise is hot. locklear always looked like an older carolanne from poltergiest to me.
if a man (even married) already has one foot out the door...i don't think it's "stealing" per say. those rat bastards would hop on the first acceptable piece of tail to cross their path. the bottom line is he has a choice.
ps: i do commend you on the proper spelling of comaraderie. ech. i butchered that with bells on.
6 of 7 | Posted by k37744 | Posted on June 7, 2008 6:25 PM
k37744, I agree with what you said, I guess "stealing" is a strong word.I just feel for Heather Locklear cause they were married for a long time and that's gotta suck. And the fact that Denise says that they weren't really friends anymore, IMO, that could hurt even more because you lose a friend and then your husband to said friend. Although that depends on how good of friends they were. I don't know, I guess I always side with the dumped woman. I feel bad for her, it can't have been easy.
7 of 7 | Posted by MichyPR | Posted on June 10, 2008 8:16 AM