Back in the 'Basas, Fluffy is in her closet going through the tortures of the damned trying to get on her Levi's. To my eye they look like they go on just fine, but she hams it up for the camera acting like she's heifer numero uno and she's trying to put on the size 0 leather pants from her cokey anorexic days. We all have that pair, don't deny it. But look at her go! When you're an actor, you have to get those emotions out any way you can. Go, Big D, go.

Oh, Chuck. Is that your face down there?

She's going to Hawaii next week with the girls, which means she'll be in a bathing suit, the thought of which sends any sentient female into a downward spiral of insecurity and self-loathing. Any girl that feels confident in a bikini is a liar and unanimously unliked by other females. Trust. Quickest way to bond with a girl is to talk about how much you hate trying on bikinis. Jeans are a close second. Fluffy is here today to bring us both.

So Fluffy already has the new gay assistant hard at work who informs her that the free bikinis are coming today. And Fluffy has a moment like he just announced another dozen baby seals were clubbed nonsensically.

It's a shame about those baby seals.

They're coming from Cinnababy or Sin-a-baby (Oh, it's Cynababy). Whatever. She just wants a one piece and a sarong. It's hard times for Fluffy. The paps are vicious and they're gonna say she looks like a fat ass. And that's another great tag. I think we should add that to the opening montage. "Fat Ass". God, I love that opening montage.

So it's time to point a finger and Fluffy is blaming her dad for the weight gain. All he does is force feed her pasta and ice cream. And take her shoes. It's hard to be almost forty and still living with your parents. Teen angst all over again.

The gay replacement insists that it's her "love" not her "love handles" which doesn't even make sense, but I'm sure gay men somewhere are nodding their head in agreement. LOOOOVE! So Fluffy weighs herself and apparently the number is "fucking fat", not "lots of love".

Meanwhile, Dad continues his tending to the dog shit outside, which is about as interesting as watching Denise weigh herself. This is a great episode.

Sprinklers. Grass. It's all part of E!'s "Funplex".

So Fluffy is figuring out what she needs for Hawaii other than lipo, which just brings up another conversation with her gay shadow about how hot she is and he insists she looks skinny and reminds her that it's just love spilling over her jeans. Gay.

Blowing smoke up fat asses was in the job description.

And also adding to the alarmist air of this episode is the chilling tale from the Gay Shadow (Seriously. Home skillet is permanently lodged up her ass) that his dog died in a kennel. The Exact Same Place Fluff's dogs will be next week. And even spookier is the fact that he was in Hawaii (!!!) when it happened. Now Fluffy is neither superstitious, nor weak of mind, so of course isn't deterred by this tale of doom and gloom.

Kidding. Of course there's no way she's boarding them now. She's freaked. Farmhand Dad returns from the field, muttering about the constant pee and poo fest his life has become and says that these dogs aren't housebroken and they have to board them. This would be called the "conflict" of the story. I like the various servants dressed in black we sometimes catch a glimpse of.

Ay! Dios mio!

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Posted in Denise Richards by IS | Permalink | Comments (3)
Last Comment: renata on Aug 5, 2008 08:54 PM.