But now let's get to know the real Denise. We know her as the Bond girl, the girl from Wild Things (Haaay!), the girl from the tabloids, but behind all that, she's really just about family. She's really just about living in the tumbleweeds in a yert. You know?
Kidding. This is where her private paparazzi live.
She informs us she lives in a small community outside of LA (Malibu, I'm sure, is that small humble community.) And she's there with her daughters and her dad, Irv, who has lived with her since her mom passed away. And they just do things like make cookies and talk about what husband of a beloved actress she should steal next. Just your typical family banter.
And now let's meet Sho, Denise's assistant. Denise has SO much going on in her life that she had to hire another assistant, Sabrina. (People on reality shows love to talk about how much they have going on in their life, while real busy celebs never have reality shows. Ever notice? But that just makes me think to myself that Little Edie totally would have had her own reality show.) Anyway, what's really going on is that Sho-nuff is a bit of a half wit, so Denise has had to bring in another mental giant to do things like clean up dog feces.
Denise is out and about with Shogun today and he is giggling about forgetting her coffee and getting them lost. Working for a celebrity is so funny!
Another Heather Locklear reject.
So Denise has, like, thirty-five dogs and twelve cats and two pigs and it's a bit disgusting. Why celebrities hire assistants to take care of them and then deem themselves capable of caring for scores of animals is beyond me. And inside her modest abode, the stairs are covered in cheetah print and she has three thousand pairs of designer shoes whose combined cost probably equals that of her home. It's all so complicated I can't even think about it.
So now Sho and sister Michelle are on a website called "Who's dated who" and Denise is going to come brag about all the notches in her belt and deny the ones she was too drunk to remember. Patrick Muldoon, Colin Ferrell. Yes, yes. But not Mario Lopez. John Stamos was a fling, but he didn't want to date a woman with children. But hell to the no she never slept with Scott Baio!
But Scott Baio does have a reality show. We should join forces somehow. Get those Lohans involved, too.
But what's the common thread among all of these men? They all suck. And the internet is in sissy's camp. Denise admits she likes guys that have dark hair and high STD potential, a quality she dubs "passionate". But pot-kettle here. Michelle's hubby is covered in tattoos, so who's with a bad boy? Tattoo does not a bad boy make. Spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on hookers does.
And when was the last non-Hollywood boyfriend? Oh, you know. High school. And all this talk of douchebaggery is also making her itch. Does Denise have a skin disorder? She's making me start to itch.
The Itchy and Scratchy show.
But enough of itching! Here's a montage of piggy love-making. Gross and grosser. And Itchy walks in on our hot and heavy couple. She's mortified. She runs back in to find Scratchy and tell him what's happening in the yard. Although she clearly got a good look. She describes it like a corkscrew and was curling in and out. Dad voms in the sink.
You're so funny! And now I'm throwing up like we're in a Farrelly brothers movie! You should be in one of those, honey!
Oh, look. Who knew Itchy was friends with Audrina from The Hills? Just kidding. She's not wonky-eyed enough to be Audrina.
OMG! We'll be like The Hills, but, like, old and in Malibu.
It's her BFF, Trish, but for our purposes her name is Oldrina. And Oldrina is on a mission to get Denise a man. She wants Denise to go out with just a normal guy, but Denise hates normal guys. She hates talking to them and definitely hates being seeing with them on camera. Famous douchebags only.
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Comments (3)
Ugghh - this show is just awful - with that said I'll probably watch the trainwreck again - just can't help it. I know all "reality" shows are staged somewhat but this one is one of THE WORST! I am glad you picked up on the constant laughing from all involved too - Denise, her dad and her assistant - its like when they don't know what to say they just nervously cackle - so annoying. My wife finds her to be attractive I think she's too plastic looking and her "personality" is just grating. So I probably won't go out of my way to watch it but if its on I'll check it out. I'm complicated that way :p
1 of 3 | Posted by Hyper-Chicken | Posted on May 30, 2008 8:53 AM
The itching, the sweating... something has me thinking Denise might be Hooked on Heroin.
2 of 3 | Posted by bonita | Posted on May 30, 2008 5:25 PM
So, I went into watching this show because I was bored thinking "God, I hate her"...but she is really funny and I think I like her...not in the Neve kind of way, though.
She likes bad guys with big dicks...yeah, I like her.
3 of 3 | Posted by melpadgett | Posted on June 3, 2008 11:05 AM