What is normal anyway, Itchy pontificates? For her normal means famous actor or rock star. Her friends tell her rock stars are out of the question. But Richie didn't do drugs! Aw, so why did that fizzle out? Did he still smell like Heather, the fairest of them all? Oldrina thinks that she needs to stop the madness and get a normal guy, like normal to us normal. But no way will Itchy go on a blind date! But Oldrina is determined. She's already lined up a date and Itchy says her heart just fell out her ass. Ho! Heart falling out of your ass. That's a good one.
OMG. I'm LMAO. How does my daughter not have Cammy Diaz's career? She's just as hilary!
So she's going at six tonight, Oldrina orders it. She'll have a stomache but she'll go. This bitch has more ailments than an entire hospital floor.
Anyway, back to piggy matters. So being a celebrity means you get to have your vet come to you. The pig doc on wheels is here to sedate she-pig Charlotte and check her lady parts to see if the corkscrew got her knocked. And now mad hijinks ensue as Itchy chases Charlotte around and our nervous nelly shits on the bedroom floor. It's scary to have Itchy at your heels. Charlotte doesn't want to catch anything. But it's no sweat to have your pig shit in your house when you're Itchy. One of your eighty dogs will be by in a jiffy to eat it up.
So it turns out Charlotte's not pregnant, and Itchy is devastated because she thinks Charlotte will be an amazing mom. Maybe amazing as Itchy. Just kidding! Not possible. Itchy's the best! So now Itchy is on a mission to get Charlotte knocked by a manly pig stud. But let's be real. Itchy just likes to be in hot pursuit of any stud. And now she's on the prowl on behalf of Char.
It's about time I just go for a literal pig.
She has one aborted phone call when the woman gets weirded out by her asking for pig sperm, but then she finds a ranch that will cater to her matchmaking schemes. The first one is as big as a horse. Seriously. It should be in the Guinness Book of World Records. It's like prehistoric size big. It scares Itchy a bit and probably makes her itch, so she's introduced to another one and falls in love with him so much she buys him. She doesn't want to just use him as a stud. Divorce is too hard on the family. That's why Denise married the Most Famous John In the World because they're known for their devotion and stability.
She takes it home and daddy Irv falls over chuckling at the sight of her.
OMG. You're a sex symbol holding a pig! Why aren't you cast opposite Will Farrell? That kind of irony is so his thing!
Pig poop is falling all over the kitchen and she's telling her dad how excited she is to keep pig Bob. Her dad is not into keeping him, but she gets her daughters on her side and rolls out the red carpet for Bob. He gets to stay inside the house tonight, wrapped in the finest leopard print pashmina throws AND wear her daughers' diapers.
Only the 365 Organic Brand of diapers will do.
And now it's time for Itchy's date! But she doesn't want to go. She'd rather stay home with her kids. Just kidding! She'd rather stay home with Bob and his poopy diaper. Really. She said that.
So to get ready, she bathes in a bubble bath and tries to convince us yet again she's just a regular gal from Illinois. She's not the girl from Wild Things. She's not the Bond girl. Don't keep reminding us. That's why we like you. And despite the fact she's not interested, she's still gonna make sure this guy becomes her stalker and will do whatever it takes to be the hottest thing he's ever laid eyes on. So bring over the personal tanner! No girl is complete without a spray on tan!
Oldrina and her husband come over and Itchy says she feel sick and she's gonna shit herself and she's sweating her tanner off. Itchy's a damn mess all the time. Her health sounds a bit complicated, I'll give her that. On the drive over, she says that this date will be a litmus test of sorts. Will he be able to get past the fact that she has Charlie Sheen's kids, rudely stole Amanda Woodward's husband and lives with her dad? Oh, she's hot. Somebody will.
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Comments (3)
Ugghh - this show is just awful - with that said I'll probably watch the trainwreck again - just can't help it. I know all "reality" shows are staged somewhat but this one is one of THE WORST! I am glad you picked up on the constant laughing from all involved too - Denise, her dad and her assistant - its like when they don't know what to say they just nervously cackle - so annoying. My wife finds her to be attractive I think she's too plastic looking and her "personality" is just grating. So I probably won't go out of my way to watch it but if its on I'll check it out. I'm complicated that way :p
1 of 3 | Posted by Hyper-Chicken | Posted on May 30, 2008 8:53 AM
The itching, the sweating... something has me thinking Denise might be Hooked on Heroin.
2 of 3 | Posted by bonita | Posted on May 30, 2008 5:25 PM
So, I went into watching this show because I was bored thinking "God, I hate her"...but she is really funny and I think I like her...not in the Neve kind of way, though.
She likes bad guys with big dicks...yeah, I like her.
3 of 3 | Posted by melpadgett | Posted on June 3, 2008 11:05 AM