On the new season of Design Star, HGTV gives 11 contestants the chance to win their own television series. Each week the contestants participate in a challenge to determine who is worthy of Doug Wilson-caliber celebrity. The person who is the least telegenic and the most likely to end up designing high school drama club sets will be... "brushed off," "not worth reproducing?"-- no, cancelled. I don't think it's fair to go cancelling the contestants shows, when the same has been done to most of the panel, plus the host. Doesn't HGTV cycle through shows faster than John Mayer cycles through girlfriends? I'd be shocked if anyone at HGTV has discovered that a season is usually 22 episodes. They always order the cake for episode number 10.
But I digress...
In what may be the longest running series in the history of HGTV, season four of Design Star will bring together a group of previously rejected candidates to face the judges. This year the judges will be:
Martina Navratilova?
Whoops, I mean. The Butterscotch Stallion, Owen Wilson.
As research for my season four recaps, I watched season three, which is available on HGTV.com. I was a bit disappointed to find less outrageousness than I anticipated. I guess I'm spoiled by Bravo. HGTV actually focuses 80% of the episode on the challenge and they don't even stock the green room with booze! (Note to HGTV, the house and the green room need a bar. No need for great booze, just a couple jugs of Stoli and you're golden, ask for the VH1 discount. Thanks.) However, the season three-ers still produced more tears than an Amy Tan book club. They cried at even the lightest criticism. I wouldn't put these people in front of Jeff Lewis or Anthony Bourdain -- there is no way they'd be able to stay in a room with Michael Kors, if Vern Yip can make them cry.
Five episodes of season three didn't yield one, "I'm here to win!" or my personal favorite "Not here to make friends" (video via videogum), although a couple of good uses of "thrown under the bus" appeared. I'm much more hopeful for season four's contestants. Let's judge meet them, shall we?
Amy, Los Angeles, CA:
"Experience I have had in fields as varied as stand-up comedy, fine art, jewelry design, wardrobe styling and public relations have prepared me to effectively communicate [my] ideas." Amy believes this show is a quest to find a real life Grace Adler. She seems to have the same college improv group background and affinity for all things orange. I hope HGTV takes advantage and includes a singing portion in the competition. And Debbie Reynolds cameos.
Antonio, Los Angeles, CA:
Antonio appears to be interior design's answer to Jonathan Antin, tough and coifed and inspired to do bangin' design. God, I hope he's a crier. Oh, he's inked and he likes "fast cars and faster women." Oh, he's definitely a crier -- with daddy issues.
Woody the Cowboy, Fire Island. Ooops, Dan from Vale, OR:
Dan has roots in his grandmother's quilting shop, yet considers his style "hip and contemporary history." Yet, Dan has deemed "historical preservation" the worst design trend. I hope he means replication not preservation, and he doesn't intend to start a movement to burn down Versailles and replace it with an IKEA.
Jany, Dallas, TX:
Jany is from Texas, but studied in the cut-throat world of Ontario design. Her style is "classic contemporary and glamorous," with ample helping of Rush posters, beer can towers and moose heads.
Jason, Sarasota, FL:
Jason is a southern boy who loves the phrase, "Hey, girl hey!" And the stereotype is almost too painful to repeat.
He has his own line of outdoor furniture inspired by deco design. I can see a lot of his pieces in a chic Miami hotel. A hotel I could totally see myself staying in. By staying in, of course I mean sprinting through, while desperately trying to appear to be a guest, so I can use the lobby bathroom.
Jen, San Diego, CA:
Jen sucks at her job. No woman who insists on pigtails, while her biological clock is chiming like church bells can be an overachiever. Since she looks like Jaime Pressly in My Name is Earl, I'm going to predict that this woman's client base is strictly trailer parks and fried chicken restaurants. There's nothing more effective for diverting attention away from the neighbor's dirt garden than polka dot window treatments and an indoor/outdoor area rug.
Meredith Baxter-Birney of LMN.
NataLee, Salt Lake City, UT:
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Comments (13)
I'm psyched someone will be covering Design Star. Not gonna lie, absolutely love this show, although I agree there needs to be more booze involved.
1 of 13 | Posted by LeeH | Posted on July 17, 2009 7:11 AM
I went back and forth on whether I should respond to this or not.
I'm glad someone will be recapping this show, but I have an issue with the following comment:
"I don't think it's fair to go cancelling the contestants shows, when the same has been done to most of the panel, plus the host. Doesn't HGTV cycle through shows faster than John Mayer cycles through girlfriends?"
Do you actually WATCH HGTV on a regular basis?
They have many long-running programs, and the panelists are some of the hosts of those programs.
And the host - isn't it Clive from Designed to Sell? He's fantastic! He's always entertaining and has the perfect personality for TV.
Panelist Vern Yip has an outstanding show called "Deserving Design." I'm not sure how long it has been on, but it's popular, and I can't imagine it being cancelled anytime soon.
Candice Olsen is another very popular host of a program called "Divine Design."
As far as I can tell, this show started in '99. I think it's safe to say its had more than 10 episodes.
And Genevieve Gorder - well, she hasn't been on HGTV very long, but I don't think her show is in any danger of being cancelled at this point.
I don't care for her, so I don't watch. But, she does have a fairly desirable time slot, so it can't do too badly.
Now...as for the contestants -
The only one I have an opinion of at this point is Jason from FL.
He looks like a complete goober in the promos for the program, so I'm cancelling his show before it begins. haha
2 of 13 | Posted by ThisShowRocks! | Posted on July 17, 2009 9:27 AM
Hysterical recap! I also wholeheartedly agree that this show needs a Sugarbaker.
3 of 13 | Posted by MoonPie | Posted on July 17, 2009 11:23 AM
Great job Medusa, love your commentary.
Answer to Thisshowrocks: nobody watches HGTV, the median age viewer is 53 years old and having their home foreclosed. Finding the right window treatments are the least of their worries. If the target demographic is 24-55, this network is working the wrong end of the spectrum.
4 of 13 | Posted by fatman | Posted on July 17, 2009 11:41 AM
Fatman,
No one watches HGTV?
Then why the recap?
I am neither 53(not even mid-30s) nor having my home foreclosed on, and I love watching HGTV.
In fact, I watch several shows daily.
I work for a network affiliate, and I prefer HGTV to the shows we (and other networks) put on the air.
5 of 13 | Posted by ThisShowRocks! | Posted on July 17, 2009 12:41 PM
OUTSTANDING Re-CAP.
Hysterical!!!!
I am an HGTV Fan and thought this was a funny take on the shows.
6 of 13 | Posted by LisaMac1975 | Posted on July 17, 2009 12:44 PM
Who wants to go out on a limb and guess winner and first week loser before viewing?
I do I do . . . sigh
But seriously, I think Tashica will win and I think first out will be Woody the cowboy . . . Also, the pick from the returning finalists will be the guy ( i think Gary)--guess you need the site for those . . ..
and, damn, Antonio is making my toes curl in lust!!!! Not that I have any taste to speak of, but yummy!!! Just wish he skipped the part about fast girls . . .
7 of 13 | Posted by Juddfan | Posted on July 17, 2009 5:46 PM
LOVE the Butterscotch Stallion moniker.
Oh, Medusa, you never cease to amuse me with your witty recaps.
Carry on!
8 of 13 | Posted by roja | Posted on July 17, 2009 8:37 PM
This is a funny recap and there wasn't even a show to recap yet. :-)
I never knew this show existed. The only reason I found it was because of an ad during Food Network's Next Star show. The only reason I want to watch it is Ms. Olsen. I love her. She's impossibly unrealistic and that's what makes a TV designer great!
Looking forward to it.
9 of 13 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on July 17, 2009 9:17 PM
I agree with Moonpie the show needs a Sugarbaker. Great recap, will keep me watching!
10 of 13 | Posted by Narf | Posted on July 18, 2009 11:29 AM
I didn't even know this network existed.
Boggles the mind.
What's next? A network exclusively devoted to watching music videos? Who the fuck would watch that?
11 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on July 18, 2009 2:19 PM
When they were handing out senses of humor I think ThisShowRocks! was home watching HGTV.
Medusa recaps ftw.
12 of 13 | Posted by comehomenow | Posted on July 19, 2009 4:02 PM
Reply to ThisShowRocks:
I apologize for speaking in hyperbole about no one watching HGTV. I was clearly mistaken. 2 people watch HGTV, you and Medusa (but I think she has to).
Why recap a show nobody watches? Even "Howard the Duck" and "Ishtar" got reviewed and nobody saw them either.
13 of 13 | Posted by fatman | Posted on July 20, 2009 9:01 AM