Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Remember when Susan inherited that strip club, and you thought, "Yeah, this'll be fun for one episode, but that's it, okay?" Well, StripperSaga continues as Susan convinces one of the Double D's girls (guest star Julie Benz, who played a vampire on Buffy for about 8 seconds) to quit stripping, and then invites her home, where Li'L M.J.'s all, "What's going on in my pants, mommy?!"

Lynette and Tom continue their therapy, which revolves around the same. Argument. They always. Have. By which I mean Lynette's over-bearing tendencies vs. Tom's always rolling over and taking it tendencies. Turns out their therapist (Jane Leeves, that crazy cockney gal from Frasier) is in a local theatre production, and is so horrific that she makes Ashlee Simpson look like Meryl Streep. And Ana really wants to have sex with Danny, and Gabby tries to convince her not to with the only love she's comfortable giving out -- cold, hard cash. But when Carlos catches Ana in flagrante delicto with Danny, he Hulks out on Danny, causing Angie to go all ape-poopy on Carlos, and now yet another person on Wisteria Lane hates her. But her secret(s) may not be safe for long . . . Oh, and Orson wants to kill himself because he can't walk.

We'll supply the rope.

Continue reading "Desperate Housewives: Desperate Housewives: I Can't Stand Up Comedy" »

Posted by Hypnotoad at 11:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This week on Desperate Housewives: Having firmly established both the plot and the repercussions of the plane crash, we're treated to one of those episodes of the show where nothing really happens and everything is supposed to be funny. The operative phrase being "supposed to be." Gabby and Susan have a falling out over the learning abilities of their kids; Orson pushes Bree over the edge (not literally, since he can't walk); Katherine gets some therapy and medication; and Tom and Lynette disagree about therapy.

Bree would never eat a waffle, I'm sorry.

Continue reading "Desperate Housewives: Desperate Housewives: Sorry, We Kind of Forgot to Insert the Plot This Week" »

Posted by Hypnotoad at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan inherits a strip club from Karl. It sounds funny, but it's really not. Tom goes back to work (again) for Carlos in Lynette's place. Bree decides to take care of Orson, not because it's the right thing to do, but because she doesn't want to go to hell. Atta girl! Juanita is distressed when she finds out she's Mexican. Ay carumba!

Karl gave me a pearl necklace. How many Hail Mary's do I owe you?

Continue reading "Desperate Housewives: Desperate Housewives: Puta Por Favor!" »

Posted by Hypnotoad at 1:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: It's all about "What Ifs" as the ladies imagine themselves in different ways, which for Gabby and Susan means old and fat with no personality changes whatsoever, and for Bree and Lynette it means barely aging a day with no personality changes whatsoever. Some people live, some people die, and some people suffer while spending two hours recapping the weirdest episode this show has ever done.

I have nothing to say but...well...nope still nothing.

Continue reading "Desperate Housewives: Desperate Housewives: Oooooookkkkaaaay . . ." »

Posted by Hypnotoad at 12:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (15)

This week on Desperate Housewives: It's the disaster episode you've been waiting for all year long! Lynette and Gabby continue the snipery regarding the whole subpoena thingie. Katherine goes cuckoo when her daughter returns and Susan fills her in on the truth. Bree finalizes things with Orson, who finds out about her and Karl, and his testicles actually descend a little bit. I know! Angie gets blackmailed by a nurse. And what else -- oh, yeah, a plane crashes on Wisteria Lane and kills someone(s)! Who will live?! Who will die?! Who will endure my entire recap?! These are questions that have yet to be answered.

Whoever died used Palmolive, I can tell you that much. Lovely hand!

Continue reading "Desperate Housewives: Desperate Housewives: Attack of the Literal Party Crasher!!" »

Posted by Hypnotoad at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan finally finds out about Bree, so you can check that off your list. Lynette sues Carlos over her job and it all ends up bitch-slapping her back in the face. Danny tries to kill himself Bell Jar style. Katherine jumps over the edge of sanity so far that I don't think she'll ever be able to come back. And everyone decides they need a little self-defense, Bobby Hill-style.

Continue reading "Desperate Housewives: Desperate Housewives: Suicide is Painless . . . Unlike This Episode" »

Posted by Hypnotoad at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan does a little comm-serve time for, you know, shooting her neighbor (not that Katherine didn't deserve it, because we all know she TOTALLY did); Angie finds out Bree's secret; Gabby is still. Trying. To get. Juanita. Back in school. Please, Cherry, let's just end that soon, mmkay? And Lynette keeps trying to hide her pregnancy. Does it work? Wait and se -- okay, fine, it doesn't. And there's another strangling! But it's probably no one you care about.

The no one you care about strangler is on the loose!

Continue reading "Desperate Housewives: Desperate Housewives: Would You Like a Strangling With Your Coffee? No? Just Cream Then." »

Posted by Hypnotoad at 11:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

This week on Desperate Housewives: Lynette finds out about Julie and Nick; Gabby keeps trying to teach Juanita; Susan goes to the cops about Katherine and has a blast from the past (and no, it's not Jackson, thank god - I hope those days are over); and Bree and Angie bond over pasta and secrets. Also, Nick's the only one who takes his shirt off tonight, so prepare yourself.

Secret 1: Hire an Italian. You're too white to pull this off.

Continue reading "Desperate Housewives: Desperate Housewives: The Moose is Loose" »

Posted by Hypnotoad at 3:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This week on Desperate Housewives: Cherry and Co. continue to want everyone to hate Katherine, and if this episode is any evidence, mission accomplished. Because she tries AGAIN to seduce Mike pretty much in front of Susan, then acts like a crazy cake-making ho toward Angie. But MIKE TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF! I know! Also, Tom cheats on a test and Lynette judges him for it. Gabby tries to home-school Juanita; and Bree and Karl have sex or a conversation or do the same crap they always do. Oh yeah, and Susan falls in something.

You're such a clutz, Suz!

Continue reading "Desperate Housewives: Desperate Housewives: A Blanking Blankstorm of Blank" »

Posted by Hypnotoad at 12:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

This week on Desperate Housewives: Gabby wants Juanita to have the best party ever! Lynette gets served by an 80 year-old. Bree gets served by a Jamaican motel maid. Angie and Nick try to hide things. Again. And Susan begins to see how effing crazy Katherine is. And I choose the most expected, lamest pun as the title this week.

Jeeze, Terri Hatcher. Put on some makeup.

Continue reading "Desperate Housewives: Desperate Housewives: Jamaican Me Crazy!" »

Posted by Hypnotoad at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)