Come and Knock on my Door! - 
by Guest Columnist
By Eddie
When I got the e-mail from B-Side telling me that I'd be writing the recap for Desperate Housewives, I was totally stoked, of course, but the downside hit me faster than a Botox injection into Marcia Cross' forehead. The downside was, of course, that I'd have to watch Desperate Housewives. Don't get me wrong -- great show. At least, it was. Last year. For the first six episodes. But who am I to complain? TVgasm rules and so must be the way for the struggling blog writer. This week's episode of Desperate Housewives has pretty much everything you'd expect from our Wisteria Lane ladies. Well, if what you expect is a bee attack, chopped off fingers, Teri Hatcher's body armor, and the emergence of Ms. Van De Camp's alter ego KimberBree, then, yes indeed, it has everything you've come to expect.
Mary Alice kicks off the hour while poor Susan is rummaging through the rubble of what used to be her home. From the ash, Susan pulls out a picture of her and her friends, miraculously undamaged, and thinks about all the bad times she's had and how her friends have helped her. Bree made her cookies when her grandmother died; Lynette poured her some gin when her divorce was final; Gaby got her a cock-for-hire when her book was panned, etc. And Mary Alice? Mary Alice, apparently, never did anything to help Susan when she was down and out, probably because she blew her brains out over having such a needy annoying friend.
Regardless, the brain trust on Wisteria Lane thinks it is a super swell idea for Julie (remember Julie?) and Susan to stay with Bree. You know, Bree has all that extra room now that she dropped her son, Gaydrew, off in the middle of nowhere like that mother did to Haley Joel Osment in A.I.. I don't know about any of you, but I'll take sociopath Gaydrew over the creepy, beady-eyed little kid from The Sixth Sense anyday. CHILLS. Susan tries to argue with Bree, mostly because it might be awkward since NONE OF THESE WOMEN HAVE SPOKEN FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES IN A YEAR -- but Bree says she just has to move some of Andrew's anal beads and collection of Ace & Gary statuettes, and it'll feel like home in no time! Oh, in the random moment of the day, Kyle MacLachlan is seen moving a box. That's it. The guy from Showgirls moved a box. Soon after the bedding arrangements are made, Susan is informed that GASP! She won't be getting any money from the insurance because the fire has been ruled arson! This is followed by the three funniest lines ever said by Skele-Hatcher in Desperate Housewives history:
"Who'd want to burn down my house?"
"I'm very popular."
"Everybody likes me!"
After I succumb to the same laughter that I'm assuming befell Ryan Seacrest, George Clooney, He-Man, and the entire cast and crew of Desperate Housewives, Susan realizes that Edie is glaring at her -- well, glaring might be an overstatement, because Nicolette Sheridan can no longer open her eyes wide enough to glare without three surgeries and the donated skin of a newborn. Everything starts to click for little Susie Q -- as usual about 20 minutes too late.
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