Desperate Housewives: Pot Roast Abuse

Tonight (or today, if it's daytime when you're reading this) on Desperate Housewives: Jackson and Mike bond (but not nakedly) much to Susan's chagrin; Gabby whines AGAIN about being poor and ugly, Lynette does something seriously icky, and Bree is pretty much a bitch to everyone throughout the entire episode.

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I'll get you, Batman!

Previously on Desperate Housewives: It's now the year 2013 on Wisteria Lane; Edie moved back with her only slightly creepy new husband; Gabby was fed up with being a wife and mother and being poor and ugly; Susan and Mike got divorced and she's now dating Jackson; and Lynette inexplicably lost two children. And McCluskey only had 2 lines.

The title of tonight's episode is "We're So Happy You're So Happy," which is from Sondheim's "Into the Woods," which I love love love. I'm gay, what do you expect?

Mary Alice voice-overs about Jackson, Susan's boyfriend. Apparently he's handsome and thoughtful, but he doesn't have a good sense of timing. Jackson goes out to get Susan's newspaper in a teeny-tiny robe, but to his surprise, someone else is in front of the house. It's Michael Phelps in a guest-starring role! Just kidding. Thank god. Although I wouldn't be surprised, since that kid is on everything these days. But . . . Desperate Housewives is in the future now, so it wouldn't really make sense . . . Ugh, whatever. Look, I'm sorry for that joke, okay? I wasn't thinking.

Picture 3-89
Uh oh. You've got competition, McCluskey!

Anyway, the guy in front of the house is none other than one Mike Delfino, ex-plumber of Susan, if you get my drift. And I think you do. Awkwardness ensues as Jackson explains who he is, and Mike calls attention to the fact that his teeny-tiny robe is open. Ha! Mike Delfino is funny in the future! Susan lays in bed, worrying about how her new boyfriend likes to use poppers while they do it and yells out "Justin!" when he has an orgasm. The manly voices outside stir her from her slumber, and she has a typical Susan reaction (read: wide eyes and little grunting noises) when she sees Mike and Jackson talking from her window. She does not, however, do the Susan Squeal. Yay! Let's hope that's one thing that stays buried, along with Felicia Tilman's thumb. Bring Felicia back, Cherry! Put another bookend on that story! We need closure, and better plot lines! Also, Paul Young? Dreamy. Hunky. I know, I know, but still. I'd take him over Jackson any day.

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So you have a new gay boyfriend. What happened to Seacrest?

Susan runs outside to talk to Mike, who is dropping off one of M.J.'s video games. Mike says he's gonna have to hang with Jackson to see if he's cool to be around their son. Susan's all, no need for that! And, you can't boss me around anymore! Mike threatens court and child-support and hearings and Susan's all, "Um . . . ." So she caves. Mike will pick up Jackson tomorrow. And hopefully kick him out of his car while he's driving down a dirt road. I'm sorry, Gale Harold fans! But Jackson is about as interesting as wood paneling. Susan and Jackson have coffee in the kitchen, but Jackson forgot the paper, so he goes back out to get it, and runs into . . . M.J.! Oh no! As Chandler Bing once yelled, "Can open! Worms everywhere!"

Shortened credits. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo! Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo! Thanks, Danny Elfman!

Mary Alice blahs about good neighbors, a first time for her. Not! Be more original next time, ya freakin' dead lady! Edie's new husband, Dave, helps Katherine put a light in over her porch. Damn, Dave got back! Nice and tight, Dave. Nice and tight. Thanks for more man-candy, Cherry! Edie is in a tiff and starts packing her bags, all pissed because McCluskey told her her breasts were "a triumph of German engineering." Hee! Ah, marry me, McCluskey. Except don't, because you're like 70. Dave is nipping out in his white polo shirt. Nice. And tight. Edie wants to move away, but Dave calms her down. However, Edie says she doesn't understand why they had to move back to Wisteria Lane. Dave's reply? "We can be happy here, and I'll make sure people treat you with respect." Normally, this would sound nice, but the evil, atonal music suggests otherwise. The tinkly piano music means bad news, people.

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Never trust a man with beige hair.

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Comments (23)

Clair:

I was more than halfway through reading the recap when I was composing my "Thank you for NOT putting any pictures of Jackson in the recap" comment when I got to page 5, saw him and promptly threw up.

Other than that, great recap. "Beige hair" - hee hee hee.

juddfan:

So you have a new gay boyfriend. What happened to Seacrest?

Too funny Hypno, thanks for the recap, I wish it was giving me more hope about the show, but heck, I just let it roll on by and wish Susan was killed in the car wreck, at least her scenes give me a chance for a refill . . . more McKlusky and Edie, please, since were making a list for Mr. Cherry.

That scene calling Mrs M lonely was sad . . . Whatever he's up to I hope it's good, and maybe he'll off Susan and Mrs. M and Edie can pick up the slack, I'd throw Gabby in too, esp after your analysis, but then where would Carlos be . . . not likely shirtless . . .

Cherie:

It would have been a lot funnier had Orson gotten Katherine over to make him a pot roast. Bree would've pooped her granny panties!

Loved the recap!

hypnotoad:

Oh my gosh! That would have been AWESOME. Plus, we could use a little bit more of bitchy Katherine. Why give her star credit, AND put her in all the promotional photos if you're not going to use her? Sheesh. Nice, Cherry. Very nice.

Kudos, Cherie.

frosty:

Susan's on and off relationship with Mike has become tiresome. I think the show needs a boost with a new Susan (after all it has been 5 years past) and with a new man with her. I quite like the new Susan and the new guy Jackson, who is awefully sweet, and handsome too. Susan has never looked more beautiful.

ducdebrabant:

Thanks for the suggestion. Now I know what I want to panel my den with. Gale Harold RULES.

blahblah:

Not finished reading the recap (only on page 1), but damn all the Gale Harold hate.

Why do you think Jackson's boring? Wait...are you actually listening to him? I have no idea what he's talking about or if he even has any lines cuz I'm so busy :-P.....

Obviously, they have directed him to act goody-two-shoes because he is not his same sexy Brian Kinney self here (maybe Susan's innate unsexiness is contagious?!), but he still does it for me - even in a teeny tiny robe. Especially in a teeny tiny robe. :)

blahblah:

"Damn, Dave got back! Nice and tight, Dave. Nice and tight. Thanks for more man-candy, Cherry!"

I was wondering if anyone but me would notice this!!! So glad you did. Now I don't feel like such a pervert. Thanks.

blahblah:

The guy who plays Dave - Neil something...Is that his real hair color?? I've seen him on other stuff and it always looks like that...I think the buns of steel are meant to distract us from the freaky hair color. It works.

blahblah:

Ok, now I understand the Gale Harold hate...

"Ricardo Antonio Chavira is pretty good at playing blind. He's also pretty good at looking shirtless."

+

"[Gale Harold's] upper body is oddly proportioned."

= You like beefcake

blahblah:

Sorry, the recap is just so thought-provoking that I can't stop myself from...thinking.

One of the things that irked me about this episode is something you point out in your screenshot. It's 2013 and nosy Lynette STILL doesn't know what a social networking website is? I call BS on that. And will be including this in my letter to Marc Cherry, along with a special request for a shirtless-scene-per-episode clause in Ricardo's contract (just for you).

blahblah:

"...and makes that whip sound that suggests that he thinks Jackson is whipped by Susan. Not literally, of course, but that Jackson is a freaky-deaky."

Don't forget the "meooow!" before the whip sound suggesting that Mike thinks Jackson is PUSSY-whipped by Susan. You're right. It only took 4 seasons of crazy disasters and 10(?) years of knowing Susan to get a sense of humor/personality.

DP Hooker:

A few issues - Wasn't Porter older than the twins? He looks younger now.

Bree's eyebrows/face in general are so messed up now - she really does look like the joker. I expected her to walk in to Orson at the dining room table and say "Why so serious???"

How come Susan is never watching her son? She is always coming in and out of hte house, or going out to the bar, or effing her boyfriend, and the kid is never anywhere to be found. Especially when she went to the bar to see Mike - where was that little bastard?!?!

I thought Tom was really funny - it's good to see he got his balls back from Lynette in the past 5 years. The part about waiting for the son to kill him and blind himself, and then when he ran away to make sure one of the parents survived to raise the surviving twin. Comic gold!

blahblah:

Ok, by now you've probably realized I'm trying to get your comment count up. :)

I can't wait for the Katherine and Mrs. McClusky Detective Agency to start solving the Mystery Dave case.

Good idea, Cherie! That's exactly what Orson should've done, especially since Bree seems to be taking him for granted as a hubby. Isn't Katherine single? It's not a mature route to go but it would probably bring on the much-needed boost of drama for this season.

And I don't feel even a tiny bit sorry for Bree. You just know part of Bree's wedding vows to Orson was to cherish him until death do they part with a lifetime's worth of homemade pot roast.

blahblah:

DPHooker, good point about the single P boy being older than the twins. I wondered the same thing...Maybe the casting agency came across the red-headed Matt Damons and couldn't resist putting them on the show, even if it meant throwing the Continuity Fairy under the bus.

Booker:

I actually like Jackson - he's like a breath of fresh air on that lame show. I mean - a bunch of aging bitches in a continuous cat fight?! Gimme a break! And bring on a nice, hot new guy. One who's not overweight (like Carlos), wrinkled (Mike), dumb (Orson), boring (Tom), or has beige hair (snort!).

Well, I'm off to rent the first season of Queer as Folk - can't wait to watch Gale Harold in something else. He's definitely my new love interest :-)

ReeseWitherspoon:

Nope. They have it right with the boys ages. Parker is younger than the twins. I think its only by a year, but now that they are older it looks like a wider gap.

I have to say all the Queer As Folk cracks keeps a girl laughing. I was obsessed with that show when it was on, but I have to admit that it was a horribly written even more horribly acted wreck, but I still tuned in each episode. That ep where the club got bombed was so, unintentionally, funny. I still laugh thinking about it. BTW what is beefcake?

Mr Dangerous:

Uh, can you BAN people from this site cause if you can I got a name for you.

The guy from QUEER AS FOLK needs to work on his sex appeal. Right now he has ZERO sex appeal. None. Nada. Nothing. If he lasts till the end of the season maybe he'll have as much as Orson (if he acts really hard and if we don't have to look at his face).

georgiababe:

To all wonder, the twins' names are Porter and Preston and they are older than Parker. Hence, why he still looks younger. Because he is.
Reference the 3rd season, where the boys state their age to their grandmother and Parker is younger than they are. As well, in the very first season finale (I think) Tom and Lynette move in (in a flashback) and she is pregnant for the first time - with twins.

I too, have issues with Dave's hair colour. When he was cleaning out the gutters, I remember thinking to myself "...his hair is BEIGE!".

Great recap! And Hypnotoad (love the name, BTW) I've got some trivia for you - every single episode title is named after a song from a Sondheim musical except for a handful.

I got that "Dirty Laundry" book for Christmas - the behind the scenes of Desperate Housewives one - so you can all stop thinking about what a loser I am. It was a GIFT! ;)

georgiababe:

Also, YES for my shoutout! Merci, merci.

What can I say? I'm a Shakespeare buff.

But you would probably say "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." Haha.

aman:

Yay! I heart you Hypnotoad for putting me in the recap! I leapt out of my chair and squealed! haha

georgiababe---I totally have that book too! And the Dirty Laundry Season 1 game. And the DH computer game. They were all gifts, but I'm not gonna lie, I would've bought 'em for myself anyway. My obsession with the show even lead to me writing a paper in a highschool lit class during season one that compared the show to the novel we read. I'm pathetically crazy about the show but I wouldn't have it any other way! :)

georgiababe:

Also, one last thing. (I should really think these through before I comment, huh?)

I think it was Silverfizz or whatever. I heard Silverface, actually, but I'm assuming that they didn't use a real site because then they wouldn't have to pay royalties like they would have if they had used the name MySpace or Facebook or whatever. I'm assuming both of those sites have copyrighted names.

hypnotoad:

Holy crap! This thing just blew up today!

Yeah, the twins are older than Parker, but I think people thought that Parker was older because he was more mature than the twins, and he got a lot more screen time (come on, wasn't the kid who played Parker just adorable? I loved the episode where he got all curious about the lady parts!). I would have forgiven the continuity gap if they would have left Parker the same age and let that kid continue.

Oh, Gale Harold. There seem to be quite a few fans on here. Good on ya. I, however, do not prefer him, but it's all good-natured fun. I don't *prefer* beefcake per se, but there's something about him, I don't know what, that makes me not attracted to Gale at all. Then again, I have a huge crush on David Schwimmer, so there you go. I know, I know...

Georgiababe - Yeah, I knew all the ep titles were based on either Sondheim songs or lyrics. I'm only familiar with a few Sondheim musicals, so it's nice when I recognize them. And no problem for the shout-out, you english major you.

Aman - well, when you're right, you're right, right? You totally hit the nail on the head with that one, so how could I not mention it? Kudos, friend.

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