Mary Alice blahs about bargaining and we're treated to scenes that I swear that I've seen before. Didn't McCluskey already bribe the paper boy ? Didn't Gabby adjust Carlos's tie as he left for work? Didn't Susan take a steaming dump all over Bree's flower beds? I made up one of those. Guess which one. So, M.J. is over at Mike and Katherine's, not wanting to eat his "oatmeal" for breakfast. It looks nothing like oatmeal. It looks like Cream of Wheat. Which I actually really love. Katherine says that if M.J. eats half his oatmeal then she'll make candy apples for his sleepover. Yay! M.J. loves candy apples! Anysnooch, M.J.'s all, "Dad, are you going to marry Katherine?" Mike's all, I . . . you . . . we . . . guh . . . buh . . . chuh. And then he leaves in a hurry. After he's gone, M.J. asks Katherine how he did. Yes, it turns Katherine bribed M.J. with ice cream to set Mike up. Nothing says love like blackmailing your boyfriend's child to get what you want. Credits.

Apparently, at least according to Mary Alice, this Walter Bergen is a divorce lawyer. He's also really, really old. We'll also never see him again after this scene. Bree's in his office to get a divorce, and all is well until Walter says that Orson is entitled to half of Bree's company earnings. Bree ain't havin' that!

Over at Lynette's house, the gals have gathered for poker. Is it just me or do they always go to Lynette's house to do things? Tom's perpetually unemployed. Can't he watch the kids while Lynette goes out and has fun? Anysnooch, Gabby tells everyone that Carlos is the Latino Businessman of the Year, and Katherine's all, "He finally won?" I'm just shocked that there's actually more than one latino person in Fairview. Cuz this town is whiter than pure Columbian blow, y'all.

Yeah, surprisingly they kept passing him up all those years he was a masseuse.

Gabby's excited to have a dinner with the mayor and his wife. Not so fast, chica! Susan says they're getting divorced and the mayor has hired the sleaziest, most unethical divorce lawyer in town: Karl Meyer. Ooooh, Bree intrigued! Tom comes down and is all, Lynette it's almost midnight and you know what that means. Time for Lynette to yell at Tom for being immature and having stupid goals? No. Lynette explains that they're reading this book together and it suggests they have sex every night for a month. The Bible? No, silly. I have no idea what it is or who wrote it. But Lynette says that they've been having problems (no! You don't say!), and having sex every night for a month is bringing them closer together and giving them intimacy. Not to mention chafing.

The ladies insist on leaving, but Lynette's all, "No, just deal me out a few hands," then goes upstairs to screw her husband while her friends are downstairs. Ew. That's just creepy. Also, the gals have been in the same room for like, 5 minutes! What's up with that? I thought Cherry put the kibosh on this stuff.

In her mom's bathroom the next morning, Juanita stares at a magazine cover of her mom, then stares at herself in the mirror. Aw, you'll grow into your looks! I was the cutest kid ever and now I'm a schlub, so I'm sure the opposite will happen to you, Juannie Sue. She runs downstairs and out the door to catch the bus. When she gets on the bus, we notice what Juanita was up to: Girl has on more makeup than a Tammy Faye female impersonator.

Blend, sweetie. Blend.

Meanwhile, Dave calls Susan and asks if he can take her and M.J. fishing at Bass Lake this weekend. He knows it's short notice, but he wants to thank Susan for being there for him. And then, you know, shoot her son in the face with a shotgun and then shoot her in the back. Yay, fishing!

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