Previously on DH: Lame crap. And then dumb stuff. And then many fans completely disappointed in the season, and yet millions still tuning in as if to say, "Hey, it's okay, Cherry. You can slap together the worst plot lines in the history of the show and we'll stand by and not say a thing!" And y'all know I don't mean you Gasmii, because we ALL know that this shit don't smell like no roses. It smells, as Outkast would say, like poo, poo-poo. It's up to us, Gasmii -- to rise up as one, and say that we're mad as hell and we're not going to -- ooh, my roommate made cupcakes! Yum! You go ahead and rise up, kids. I'm gonna have cupcakes.

Mary Alice talks from beyond the grave, telling us how "the lawyer arrived after sundown," and it's Karl, and he's going to Bree's house at night, and the whole scene, including music, is like an episode of some cheesy 80s detective show. Like Remington Steele. Wait, Remington Steele is too good. It's like Jake and the Fat Man. Hell, even the creators of Father Dowling Mysteries are looking at this scene and going, "Gosh darn, that is some cheesy shit." Who the hell approved this? Why does the music sound like Inspector Gadget? What did we do to deserve this? Oh, yeah, that's right -- 5 years of loyal viewership. We deserve it, don't we?

So, anyhoozlebees, Karl says that Bree should incorporate "creative accounting, secret bank accounts, and a second set of books," in her divorce scheme, all to which Bree agrees. Karl then wants Bree to hire someone to rob her house and steal some stuff so that Orson doesn't get everything she owns (jewelry, for instance). Bree refuses, but when Karl paints a picture of Orson after the divorce, dating some bimbo who wears her jewelry and uses her stuff, she changes her mind. He doesn't LITERALLY paint a picture of Orson, of course, but I did!

Oh, hey, Mary Alice says that today's theme/metaphor, with which we'll be beaten over the head for the next 43 minutes and 05 seconds is: Masks. Which leads us to the mask that Dave wears every day. Dave wears a mask?! Ohmigod is he an alien or some secret spy like in that Mission Impossible movie?! Oh, what's that Mary Alice? You're being figurative? Oh. I see. Dave walks up to M.J. and is all, what's up with Jackson? M.J. says likes Jackson. Well, kids are dumb. Dave asks if Jackson talks about the nightclub fire and says that M.J. should tell him if the police ever ask Jackson about the fire. Geez, Dave, at least Bree made him macaroons.

Over at Gabby's, she having an orgasm over some stupid crystal vase that looks like anything you could buy at Wal-Mart. Seriously. I do not get the big deal about crystal. Unless you mean Crystal. As in, Crystal Gayle. THEN I get it. Her youngest daughter, who hasn't been in the show in forever, so I can't remember her name, nods her head to agree to help mommy convince daddy that it was worth it. She literally doesn't say anything, she just keeps nodding. Then Gabby pretty much calls her own daughter retarded ("I should get you tested.") Nice. Nice, Gabby. Pretty soon, Juannie Sue saunters in, all, My friend got a canopy bed and I want one now and you can afford it cuz I heard you tell Aunt Bree that we're rolling in it give me my Dunk-a-Roos, bitch! Gabby says that they just got a new bed for Juannie Sue and they're not getting another bed that she doesn't need. Juannie is all, Oh but you can get some stupid vase? Word, girl, word.

Tough economy. Just make one of Gabby's kids a featured extra and so she doesn't have to talk we'll make her retarded. As long as the monkeys writing this tripe are getting paid, all is well.

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Posted in Desperate Housewives by Hypnotoad at 11:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)
Last Comment: hypnotoad on May 14, 2009 05:25 PM.