Previously on Desperate Housewives: Gabby's niece Slutty Ana moved in with her and her husband and chubby ninas; Bree decided to divorce Orson and then decided to have a Hot Karl; Lynette got pregnant, again, so stick around for another kid whose name starts with a "P"; Susan whined a lot and almost got killed but didn't and now maybe she married Mike but maybe Katherine did; and Marc Cherry decided he'd had enough of Nicolette Sheridan rockin' the Lane and being arguably the only enjoyable character in an abortion of a season; and ABC online had a video player that didn't take up my entire screen so that I could type and watch comfortably at the same time. Let's all try to forget last season's suckfest and try to focus on this season being the best one yet (which is, coincidentally, the mantra of the Kansas City Royals, I believe)!
God I hope he's under that veil.
***Note to readers: This was downloaded for better pics and I ended up with French subtitles. Look at it as a learning experience.
Turns out beige is still beige in French.
We're at the church on the wedding day, and Mary Alice blabs about silk and lace and garters and wedding stuff, and those legs look too nice to be Susan's or Katherine's. Stand in!
Terri Hatcher was like sorry but I wasn't told to get my feet done this summer and besides I was too busy getting my nose stuck back on. Get a stand in.
Turns out, Susan's the bride. Who's shocked? No one in America, Canada, France, and possibly the U.K. Not Mexico - they have their own version: Amas de Casa Desesperadas. Muy bueno! Yeah, so Susan's all nervous and junk, and hey! It's her daughter, Julie! Last time we saw her she was dating that guy from Wings. No, the other one. No, not the fat guy or the one that was in Sideways, you idiot! The OTHER one! There you go. But someone's out to ruin Suzy-Q's day, and that someone is Li'l Kathy, who's all whored out in a red dress (hey, someone's gotta fill the Edie/Slut void), intent on stopping the wedding or something, which is kind of dumb since the ceremony's over and Mike and Suzy are walking down the aisle.
Anyway, Kathy's all, oops, guess I didn't get the invitation. She then decides to curse Susan, saying that on the eve of her 16th birthday, she will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel . . . and die! It's all very dramatic. And completely predictable. Shortened credits with apples!
Hey isn't the priest the dude from CHIPS?
So, a title card pops up that says "Eight Weeks Before the Wedding." Given the way they mess with time on this show it could either be 2 months from the last episode or the year 2022. Mary Alice blahs about finding sin in the suburbs. Where does it lurk? In the houses of your neighbors, obviously. Bree and Karl are at Karl's office having a little skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight. Aaaaaaaafternoon delight! Bree doesn't want to bone away on some skeezy futon from Ikea. No, when she commits adultery she wants it to be perfect, y'all. Wanting to please Bree (you know, before she completely lets him down in the sack), Karl agrees to get a hotel room. I hope they get one with a make-your-own-waffle breakfast bar because that's just fun!
Over at Gabby's house, Ana leaves for school. Hey, Carlos got a haircut. I don't like it. It kind of looks like he shaved all his hair off and then colored his scalp with a Sharpie. Meh, i'd still do him. Nice and good, y'all. Nice and good.
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Comments (7)
Awesome recap, Hypnotoad. I thought for sure you'd comment on that church closet with the sliding lock on the outside. Oh, Zut!
Loved the French subtitles. Do it again next week! :)
1 of 7 | Posted by Clair | Posted on October 1, 2009 9:40 AM
Why the HELL doesn't Lynette get her tubes tied? Seriously. I know it's more invasive than a vasectomy, but she already tried that, so if she wants to stop being knocked up, she probably should take some initiative. I mean, honestly, has any ONE of her kids actually been planned?
2 of 7 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on October 1, 2009 11:02 AM
I love that your recaps make me laugh harder than the show, seriously considering taking it off DVR and just reading the recaps.
3 of 7 | Posted by SaneN85 | Posted on October 1, 2009 3:57 PM
i intended on reading straight thru and THEN telling u how much i enjoyed this recap... but then.. i got to the point about the wedding with the cousin of the bride singing 'from this moment on'.. .BWAHAHAHAAA.. i loled..
2 weeks ago i sang at my best friend's wedding... and yes.. i sang 'from this moment on'
lollllllllllllllll
wow.. youre just fantastic
4 of 7 | Posted by angelbayyb | Posted on October 1, 2009 6:50 PM
Oh my god! I sang it too! That's why I included it . . . I sang the duet version, though. With some girl whose name I can't remember. Shannon? I think that was it. It's ALWAYS either that song or "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge. Oy.
Anyhoozlebees, like I said, this season's opener was waaaaayyyy more satisfying than last season. I was going to say that maybe Angie was burned in that fire last year at the club . . . but they moved from out of town, right?
5 of 7 | Posted by hypnotoad | Posted on October 1, 2009 7:09 PM
Hey, nice recap of a fairly underwhelming episode.
The part when Lynette was dumping all over the first-time-preggo lady's happiness, and describing how her body is going to become all flabby and yucky, well I was totally picturing my Mum's droopy pancake boobs and her corrugated tummy (she was a bit of a hippy when we were growing up) -- and she only had three kids!
BUT THEN -- during the sonogram scene -- we all saw just how toned and super hot Felicity Huffman really is, and how she can't really have had any kids at all, and all I could think of was SHENANIGANS!
6 of 7 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on October 3, 2009 12:42 PM
I am on Susan's side with this one....she finally said it about halfway through the episode, I was waiting for someone to acknowledge that Susan and Mike have been married and have a kid...Katherine went behind Susan's back first by dating Mike, and obviously Mike didn't want to marry Katherine.. she should let it go..
7 of 7 | Posted by jenniferwinkler | Posted on October 8, 2009 7:45 AM