This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan does a little comm-serve time for, you know, shooting her neighbor (not that Katherine didn't deserve it, because we all know she TOTALLY did); Angie finds out Bree's secret; Gabby is still. Trying. To get. Juanita. Back in school. Please, Cherry, let's just end that soon, mmkay? And Lynette keeps trying to hide her pregnancy. Does it work? Wait and se -- okay, fine, it doesn't. And there's another strangling! But it's probably no one you care about.
The no one you care about strangler is on the loose!
Mary Alice tells us about Judge Mary Gallagher, who apparently has a sense of humor when it comes to sentencing. Objection, your honor! Sustained. For instance, she sentences a slum-lord to live in his own building for a month. That's so original, because it's exactly like that movie "The Super" with Joe Pesci. And that episode of Will and Grace when Will made Karen do that. She also made someone who pulled a Naomi Campbell and threw her phone at her maid clean the maid's house for a week. Oh, ironic punishment, thy name is Mary Gallagher. And sarcasm, thy name is Hypnotoad.
This hammer thing is confusing.
What does all this matter to us? It doesn't really, except that she's the judge for the whole Susan-shot-Katherine debacle. Before ruling, Katherine, wearing a leopard-print pillbox hat that wouldn't look good on a county garbage dump, goes up to the judge to tell her that Susan also trash-talked her around the neighborhood. And you know what? I'm just gonna say it, because it's now official: I hate Katherine. I was holding out for some shred of awesomeness that she had in season 4, but no. It's not there. So, yeah, Cherry, you ruined her, and I hate her. So there. Blah blah judge blah, turns out Susan's sentence is to pick up trash in the Fairview State Park. It used to be called the Fairview Wisteria Lane Dead Body Dumping Ground, but the city council voted to change it last year. Credits.
Jackie O. No
Over at The Coffee Cup, which is the laziest and least clever name for a fictional coffee shop ever, people drink coffee and read their papers, and there's probably at least one guy sitting at a table with his macbook writing a script about a time-traveling vampire who falls in love with a robot or Mormon werewolf or something while they're being chased by Nazi cannibal zombies with chainsaws. Something Eli Roth wouldn't be ashamed to direct. Or write. But he should. Be ashamed, I mean.
Also, "The Coffee Cup" is the title of tonight's episode, and I'm not quite sure that's the title of a Sondheim song, but whatever. I'm not going to get into that. Angie's standing at the counter, just, you know, greeting the morning, waiting for her cuppa joe, ready to get things started and -- oh, shit, in walks Homewrecker Mayer (a.k.a. Julie) who tries to make small talk about caffeine, and you know what? Even if she didn't sleep with my husband and was desperately trying to avoid that by making excruciating small talk, I'd still turn around and tell her to shut the hell up. Perky is not cool, you guys. Angie's like, Hey Slut, don't try to pull that crap with me cuz I KNOW you played the bang-bang game with my husband, so when you see me, you need to act ashamed and keep the comments to yourself. Then she makes Julie pay for her coffee. Nice.
Damn. I just dropped out of college. I was gonna ask to borrow two dollars.
Over at Lynette's, she's wearing Tom's clothes so she can hide the twins. And I don't mean boobs, I mean twins. Actual twin fetuses. Feti? No, fetuses is right. Tom's like, "Hey, I was going to wear that to class today." Were you? Were you, Tom? Because I'm pretty sure you were going to wear a gray or dark gray Fruit of the Loom pocket tee. Am I right, folks? Tom's says he's still attracted to Lynette in men's clothes, and "what does that mean?" Look, Tom, it's just like that thing that happened that time you were watching The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. It's called an erection, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, okay honey?
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Comments (6)
"(If you're not in America, then have a great next Thursday. It doesn't sound as good, but it's just as sincere!)"
meh. thanks. i'm going to cry now at the thought of not working and eating pumpkin pie (whatever that is)
loved the recap, but the episode was just classy.
is it silly to still think, that it still COULD be green day?
1 of 6 | Posted by mila superstar | Posted on November 17, 2009 1:48 PM
Ah Hypnotoad - you made me LOL several times reading your recap.
Favorite parts:
The next morning, Mike and Susan finish making love. I feel bad for Mike, having to conjure up those mental images of me just to get through it.
And
Back at The Coffee Cup, which I'm guessing is next to Fairview's well-known eatery, The Restaurant Where You Eat Food...
And
The screen grab of Karl.
2 of 6 | Posted by Clair | Posted on November 17, 2009 1:52 PM
Maybe this speaks to my wrongness, Hypno, but:
. . . oh my god. Are you guys seeing this? Are you seeing Richard Burgi's perfectly sculpted chest? Because I am. I am seeing the crap out of that man right now, I can tell you that. I am seeing him nice and good.
Had me howling!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Loved the tone of the whole thing, and can't believe Cherry is beating you into submission and making you like it! They must have a good script doctor on staff whose providing the zingers.
Karl, oh Karl, dear Karl . . . mmmmm, what a bod on that guy--I swear he gets more and more handsome every time . . . I never thought there would be a better lust puppet than Carlos on here, but lo and behold.
Hypno, did you ever see Carlos on Six Feet Under? Now that was some wrongness . . . but it felt so right . . . actually, it was before I was onto him.
I kinda like Krazy Kathy . . . I would like for her to take a dark turn . . .
Not sure whose strangling, but I like Angie more, so I kinda hope it's not her. Would seem it's the cheater since she may have overheard his very butch and secret code name . . . oooo . . .
Happy Turkey, or Thus, as the case may be!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
3 of 6 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on November 17, 2009 5:26 PM
I agree "The Coffee Cup" is pretty damn unimaginative (and thus painful to type) but you must know that if they chose "The Daily Grind" or "Jumpin' Java" or something along those lines, they'd have obscure lawsuits up the wahzoo.
funny recap so far!
now, reading on...
4 of 6 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on November 18, 2009 7:05 AM
For some odd reason, I find Thanksgiving a good time to reflect on all the things I have to be thankful) for. This year, the list includes your excellent recaps... and the fact that there will be no Housewives this week.
Thanks!
5 of 6 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 19, 2009 7:20 AM
>News this good deserves to be shat on, and sure enough, Gabby arrives to pull her skirt down and squat over Carlos's good day.
OK this is officially the funniest line I've EVER read in a TVGasm recap! I believe I just had an aneurysm from holding back the laughter....and I'm not even done reading it yet! :)
6 of 6 | Posted by Wildheart | Posted on November 23, 2009 4:30 PM