Tonight on Desperate Housewives, it's flashbacks, flashbacks, and more flashbacks as we go back in time to reveal that not much really happened in the past 5 years that we didn't already know about. Did you know that Gabby had kids? And that Lynette and Tom fought about their future? And that Mike and Susan got divorced? Also, Bree got back on the wagon after Orson went to jail and Tom got electrocuted once. And Dave becomes 1% creepier, bringing his creepiness factor up to 8%. Flashbacks!
No matter how much time passes, dumb ass Tom stays the same.
Alright. I've got my rum and Diet Pepsi working its mojo, so let's get this show on the road. Mary Alice voiceovers about how a surprise birthday party should have been a good time, but it wasn't. I see cookies and little mini brownies, so I don't know why no one's having fun. Yes, I am that guy at the party who stands in front of the food table, shoving cheese and crackers in my face, only pausing to take a swig of my Miller Lite, or to say, "Holy crap, have you tried the brie? Ohmigosh it's SO good! And these mini cheesecakes! So. Freaking. Awesome." Even at my own parties.
Anysnooch, we see Tom yell at Lynette and call her a "buzzkill." So, just another night for the Scavos. Jackson asks Susan if it would bother her if he were with another woman, and when she says no, he kisses Katherine. Finally, Mayfair gets a little bowm-chicka-wow-wow. Carlos apologizes to Gabby for lying. Bree tells Orson that he's putting her in an awful position. The reverse cowgirl? The donkey punch? The dirty Sanchez? And then he's all, I'll make it simpler for you: "I want a divorce." And, you know, a pot roast on the way out. Geez, George & Martha and Nick & Honey throw a better party than this one. I'm just waiting for someone to drink too much bourbon and sob about killing some imaginary son.
Turns out, this was a surprise birthday party for McCluskey (aw!), who opens the door, baseball bat in hand, and says to Dave, "You think you can screw with me?" She attempts to whack Dave. With the baseball bat, you pervert! She misses and hits the cake. Yes, it's Edward Albee night on Wisteria Lane, sweeties. Grab a bottle of gin, hunker down, and pray for daylight.
Stay off my lawn, you damn kids!
Mary Alice voiceovers while Gabby puts lipstick on in front of the mirror, getting ready for the party. But something comes across her mind, and she opens her day planner. Oh no! She forgot to return Pretty Woman and Bridget Jones's Diary to Blockbuster! Now she'll have to pay a fine. Or, maybe she missed her period. Do women actually write those down in a date book? Or is that just a TV thing? Discuss. Juanita saunters over and Gabby talks about her "friend," who's late. Gabby doesn't want another kid. And suddenly everything gets foggy and I . . . I see pretty Gabby. Did I pass out from too many rum and Diet Pepsis, and drunkenly stumble over to my DVD player and put in an actual good season? Is this season 1 or 3? Ah, no. This, my friends, is a flashback.
Gabby sits in doctor's waiting room and -- Oh my gosh! The doctor is Tim Bagley! He was Larry on Will & Grace and he's such a cutie! Gabby slaps Dr. Tim when he tells her that she's pregnant. And she slaps him again when he tells her there's a high probability of twins. Back at Casa de Whiny Hot Woman (For Now), Gabby yells to Carlos about being pregnant, and Carlos wants her to realize it's a blessing. Blind Carlos is all philosophical and crap. Remember when he used to beat up gay people and tamper with birth control pills? Sigh. Those were the days, folks. Those were the days.
I used to see gay people and now I don't! Blessings!
So, Gabby's back in Dr. Tim's office, looking less fabby, more shabby, and he again tells her she's preggers. She yells at Carlos when she gets home, including a hilarious impression of him where she goes, "'Oh Gabby, why do I need to wear a condom? There's no way lightning's going to strike twice!'" Dude, Emmy nomination for Eva Longoria Parker. I'm not saying she has to win, but man - that ho is funny when she's ugly!
« The Hills: An Open Letter To Blahdrina | Main | Stylista: Megan Should Really Be Shot »
Comments (16)
I love your recaps so much. They're funny as hell and actually tell enough of the story so that people like me who are incapable of remebering that its on can be in the know!
Bravo!
1 of 16 | Posted by MrsBojangles | Posted on October 29, 2008 12:20 PM
"Or, maybe she missed her period. Do women actually write those down in a date book?"
YES!
You try accurately remembering something that happens every 29 days. Since you were 12...
2 of 16 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on October 29, 2008 12:30 PM
REGARDING:
Yes, I am that guy at the party who stands in front of the food table, shoving cheese and crackers in my face, only pausing to take a swig of my Miller Lite, or to say, "Holy crap, have you tried the brie? Ohmigosh it's SO good! And these mini cheesecakes! So. Freaking. Awesome."
Okay, I suspect you're EVEN FATTER than I thought you were. Remember you want to look like Carlos not Louie Anderson. Carlos: Turn on.
Louie Anderson: Turn off.
3 of 16 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on October 29, 2008 12:35 PM
I'm EVEN FATTER than you thought? How fat did you think I was before? Rude. And now I'm so self-conscious that I'm forced to buy generic Slim-Fast at my Dominick's.
I'm just big-boned, you bastard!
4 of 16 | Posted by hypnotoad | Posted on October 29, 2008 2:41 PM
Okay, now you're making me laugh.
I'm sure you have a beautiful personality and you're a wonderful conversationalist.
I was wrong about you being FATTER than I thought. I'm sure you're Twiggy-esque.
(P.S. from your writting, I also thought you had a rash on your butt and sweated a lot but I'm sure I'm wrong about that too!)
My apologies, Mr. Hypnotoad.
5 of 16 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on October 29, 2008 4:11 PM
Wow, thanks for that heartfelt apology.
6 of 16 | Posted by hypnotoad | Posted on October 29, 2008 6:08 PM
While I was watching DH I kept thinking that I don't get a dopey zoned-out look on my face and stare off into nothingness everytime I remember something from my past. I'm glad you were on the same page with the whole looking in a mirror thing. LAME.
And I totally DON'T keep track of my monthly buddy visits. I probably should, but I figure it would be more exciting to go into labor after nine-months of not realizing I'm preggers.
Love your recaps!!!!!
7 of 16 | Posted by aman | Posted on October 29, 2008 6:57 PM
Brilliant! Personally I have had a hard time getting into this show, but you're making it nice and easy for me to figure things out, so I thank you. Great job hypnotoad! I have to love you for that last line and respond thusly... "It looks just like Skinny'N'Sweet... except for the little skull and crossbones on the label!"
love, J-Mo :)
P.S. Louie Anderson is sexy if he keeps his mouth closed and you can't see his teefs... :)
8 of 16 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on October 30, 2008 10:27 AM
Mary Alice: "It wouldn't be long now before he [Dave] destroyed the man who had ruined his life. But he knew he had to move carefully. After all, he wanted it to be a surprise."
So, does anyone else think BeigeDave is gunning for Mike bc Mike & SkeleHatcher killed his rels in the auto accident at the top of the season?
If so, what does getting old lady McClusky outa the way have to do with his fiendish plot?!
9 of 16 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on October 30, 2008 4:18 PM
Haven't finished the recap, but yes DMG, I too suspect that Mike is the guy that Dave is after and I have a feeling it relates to the accident.
So far as I know, McClusky just had to be out of there because she was the only one who suspected that he was less than sincere - not sure if it's anything beyond that, but maybe it is.
10 of 16 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on October 30, 2008 6:28 PM
Agree that this episode was pretty blah. I wonder what's been happening to the writers? They've gotten super lazy for the past two seasons...
I wonder - why would the neighbours automatically believe Dave over McCluskey? I mean, I know that McCluskey was kind of spitting her words out like a maniac, but she'd already mentioned to Katherine that she was sure that he was up to something - couldn't Katherine clue in?
Also, PROPS to you sir, for the Albee/Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? shoutout.
I LOVE Albee - I've played both Martha and Mommy (from his The American Dream) and even though the man is messed, it's hilariously interesting.
11 of 16 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on October 30, 2008 11:15 PM
Word on 2 things, peeps:
I am so on board the Dave Hates Mike For Killing His Family And Will Destroy Him Garage Band Style train. Especially since he was so adamant about Mike being in the band. It seems SO obvious, but the writers and/or Cherry have been so lazy (read: bad) this season that I wouldn't be surprised in the least. Nor would the 3 million people watching this show. Lame. But that's the only explanation. Unless he wants to ruin Jackson's life because of that awful haircut. Get in line, Dave!
I wonder if the Dave plot will last all season, or if they'll solve it in the middle and then give us something interesting for the other half.
And I too was a little pissed that no one really came to McCluskey's defense. And yeah, georgiababe, especially Katherine. But that would have given her 11 lines instead of 10, and Cherry ain't cool with that.
Oh, you guys, what happened? I used to LOVE this show, even last season, but the magic's just not there anymore.
12 of 16 | Posted by hypnotoad | Posted on October 31, 2008 11:56 AM
"So, does anyone else think BeigeDave is gunning for Mike bc Mike & SkeleHatcher killed his rels in the auto accident at the top of the season?"
My thoughts exactly! I figure it was either his wife and daughter or sister and niece. I kinda hope that's not it because it's just too predictable and I'd really like to see a big surprise twist this season.
13 of 16 | Posted by Wild Heart | Posted on November 4, 2008 12:49 PM
"Or, maybe she missed her period. Do women actually write those down in a date book? Or is that just a TV thing? Discuss."
www. mycycle . com
14 of 16 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on November 13, 2008 9:31 PM
Is it just me or did the writers' strike really mess up a lot of shows, as in...Vacation = loss of creativity?
Time to play devil's advocate - Yes, Mike is the obvious target of Dave's not-so-fiendish plot of destruction, but wouldn't he also be targeting Susan if it's about that car accident?
Also, Hypnotoad, you're so awesome for the Leif Garrett reference. Did you know him and Nicolette Sheridan lived together...when she was FIFTEEN? "I think they loved" each other. ;)
15 of 16 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on November 13, 2008 9:50 PM
Oops, sorry 'bout the bad grammar. Just woke up after watching this show...
16 of 16 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on November 13, 2008 9:52 PM