Testimonials

At Jackson's cool and single apartment (it's cool because one of the windows is broken and has electrical tape on it - ooh, artsy!), Susan's blahing about adolescent angst and stuffing her bra in high school. Some habits never die, do they Suzy-Q? Jackson puts on some "sex music" (you know, the kind with a Kenny G kind of saxophone), and Susan wants no part of that. One time I had sex while an Indigo Girls album was playing. It was very distracting. I'm digging Susan's outfit, which pains me to say. Since this is date #2, Susan says there's no nookie, and then brings up the sharing thing again. Lame. Share body fluids, not secrets. That's what I always say.

Jackson asks how knowing about how she got sent to the therapist in 5th grade for eating her hair will bring them closer. Good question. Susan's reaction is kind of funny, because she gets all funny/serious and says that was hard for her to share. She ends the date right then and there. Jackson, wanting to do something with his hands, breaks out his paints and brushes and a canvas. That's sort of an elaborate masturbation ritual, Jackson, but whatev. I'm down with it.

If you aren't completely annoyed every time I open my mouth, you don't know me at all, mister!

There's a PTA meeting at the school library (shhh!), and for a second or two I thought the lady talking was Laurie Metcalf, and I was all, "Yay! She's back!" And then I remembered she got shot dead by some lady at the Fairview supermarket after killing the mother of Tom's illegitimate daughter. Season 3, peeps. Good stuff. So, it's not. But it totally looked like her for a second.

Lauri Metcalfe is rolling in her grave right now.

There's some scintillating conversation about the prom and how Anne Schilling needs volunteers for something. Lynette gives her the most stanky stink-eye I've ever seen and leaves in a huff. Anne walks in on Lynette washing her hands in the bathroom, and asks Lynette about her family. Oh, lady. Not a good idea. Lynette pushes the crap out of Anne, who bumps her head on the paper towel dispenser, and then tells Anne that the jig is up and she knows all about rockin' the cradle of love. Anne's all, "I love him!" Girl, please. Geez! Lynette goes all ape-shit on Anne and starts hitting the crap out of her. What is it with Lynette and the women of the PTA? She tells Anne that she loves Porter too, and if Anne ever touches him again, she'll find out how much. But Anne's okay, folks - her husband hits her regularly, so today's bitchy beatdown was a walk in the park for her.

And if you ever ask me to donate cupcakes again I will cut your throat you hear me?!?

Back at the Super Kitchen Compound, Orson says he found a girl to replace pothead Charlie. Her dad is Mormon who works for the FBI, so she's bound to be level-headed. Bree's excited because some Christian mag published a review of her cookbook and gave her book "four halos." They especially loved her "Jesus H. Rice!" recipe. For some reason, the thought of getting rave reviews from the "New Christian Reader" gets Orson horny (ew), and he convinces Bree to do it right there on the kitchen counter. Gross! That's where they make pies! And babies, apparently.

We're back at Mrs. Hildebrand's, who is letting Juanita and Celia draw on the walls of a bedroom. Because, she explains, that the bedroom will become the girls' bedroom whenever they come to visit, chock-full of everything I couldn't have when I was a kid: a TV, bunk beds. Not that I needed bunk beds. But it would have been cool.

Gabby, beginning to suspect that Mrs. Hildebrand is a weird old coot, says that she doesn't think the girls should have their own room, and they can't stay this weekend. Mrs. Hildebrand does the petty thing and asks the girls what they want. The girls want to stay, and it turns out Mrs. Hildebrand asked them to call her "grandma." Oh, dip. Gabby no likey. In their guest room, Gabby tells Carlos about it, and says they're getting the hell out of the House of Usher and never looking back. Carlos says he'll tell Mrs. Hildebrand that they need to go shopping for Celia's birthday and that will be the end of it all. Oh yeah. I believe it, especially since there's 19 minutes left of the show.

Sorry, I just really liked this part.

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