Testimonials

Porter meets Anne at a park. She seems distant. Moody. Puffy. Like she's been throwing up every morning. What's wrong, asks Porter. Anne doesn't know what to do. Stop wearing so much makeup, that's what. Oh, wait. I guess she needs to hide the evidence of the Lynette Scavo Bitch Slap Fest. Turns out? Anne's pregnant. Oh, don't act so surprised, Gasmii. You all saw it coming. Porter stares off into the distance, and we cut to children playing in the park with some bubbles. Subtle, Cherry. Very subtle. Okay, 2 things here. I know Porter used a condom. So either Anne is lying her puffy-faced ass off, or the 3% ineffectiveness of condoms rears it's ugly head. There's something familiar about this plot . . . oh, that's right. The exact same thing happened with Gabby and John Rowland. Damn, lame!

Katherine asks Bree if she can leave early (she has plans) from The Kitchen of Tomorrow, and walks out the door, passing Andrew on the way out. Andrew bears bad tidings, and lets Bree and Orson know that a.) he told pot-head Charlie that they caught him stealing on a surveillance tape, and b.) Charlie stole a tape and says that it shows two people in flagrante delicto. He wants $2,000 for the tape or he'll post it on "YouTube."

Bree says she turned off the tape recorder before they had sweaty, conservative, Republican sex (i.e., Bree never took off her bra and Orson never took off his socks), Orson says he did too, which means that Orson turned it back ON. Oopsies! Bree tells Andrew to forget about everything she taught him and kick some ass to get that tape back. Whatever that may entail. He's a stoner. It shouldn't take much. Just some bomb-ass chronic, a DVD of The Wizard of Oz, a copy of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, and some Hostess Fruit Pies.

My ankles are probably showing in that video! Get it BACK!

Celia's having a birthday party at the Solis household, and up pulls old Mrs. Hildebrand in her limo. Gabby runs outside to ask her what the eff she's doing, and Mrs. H. tells her that she wants to take Celia to an antique doll shop and have her pick out one she wants. Cuz that's what kids want - a toy that's too old and valuable to play with. Gabby doesn't want Celia to go with Mrs. H., and finally gets mean with her (sometimes you have to - those old people can't take a hint. Sometimes you have to be firm. Or unplug their dialysis machine.), saying that it's creepy that she's so close with her family after three freaking days. Gabby says that she and her family aren't for sale, so back off, crazy ho! Mrs. H. calls Gabby a "greedy bitch who's tried to bleed me dry and wash her hands of me." Yeowza! Gabby says that they're done and yells for Mrs. H. to get off their property. Carlos comes outside to apologize, but it's too late.

Jackson helps Susan out of his car when they pull up in front of her house. Susan is drunk. Yay! I also think she borrowed an outfit from Edie, cuz that ho is dressed like a slut. Susan wants to have sloppy sex because she's tipsy and "easier than a 5 year-old's homework." Ha! That's actually a good one. But it's only date #3, so Jackson's putting the kibosh on the nuzzlies. He says he'll call her tomorrow. Suzy ain't too happy 'bout that.

Mrs. Hildebrand sits at her house, in front of Jaunita and Celia's drawings. She's on the phone to the country club, saying that Carlos was completely inappropriate to her and that kind of stuff could be a "liability" for the club. Who's going to give you orgasms now, Mrs. H.? Huh?

And good luck finding someone else's two hundred pound child to spoil. Those don't grow on trees in Hollywood.

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Last Comment: Donna Martin Graduates! on Nov 15, 2008 08:03 PM.