I'll admit that I'm not exactly sure what happened last season. It runs in my mind that Suzanne Sugarbaker had sex with her son Payne, Lois Lane married a super plumber, Kimberly tried to blow up Melrose and some tranny attempted suicide. Although I didn't pay close attention, I was still riveted by these oversexed, underworked, housechicks and I'm painfully happy to have them back. It's been a long summer.
Ahh, everything is back to normal, yet older, pregnanter, bitchier and cancerier than before.
We pick up this season with Edie plotting her faux suicide to win back Carlos Solis. Edie has the ingenious plan to hang like a monkey with a noose around her neck and then let go at the exact right moment when Carlos enters the room. Luckily she already had the noose strung up from the last time she beat off during autoerotic asphyxiation night, so the rest should be easy. Of course nothing goes as planned on Wysteria Lane because just as Carlos is about to enter the house, Edie lets go only to have Carlos interrupted by that sexy broad Miss McCluskey asking Carlos if her skirt is too short. See, Miss McCluskey was on her way to strip bingo night and didn't want to look like she was just giving it away. As Carlos and Miss McCluskey chat about the good old days when men were men and hookers were a nickel, they notice Edie hanging lifeless through the bedroom window. Carlos rushes to her aid and pulls her down before any real harm is done, although her neck is now 14 inches long,
(but that's measuring from the base of her balls).
Carlos, your girlfriend brought you here to The Springer Show to tell you that she's been keeping a secret.
Mary Alice's voice over this week tells us that there is a time every night when women lie awake and think about the secrets they've been keeping from their friends. Boys have secrets too, ya dead hag. Anyway, Susan is seen lying awake in her cryo-tube thinking about the impromptu wedding she had with Mike, Lynette is contemplating the bad wig she purchased on the Ukrainian Internet because of her cancer, Bree is wondering how the botox would effect her unborn child, if she were actually pregnant and not just pretending to be so her slut of a daughter can give birth at Sister Magdolines Home for Wayward and Whorish Girls, and Gaby is pretty so she has no problems. She's married to a handsome and rich senator while having an affair with her hot ex-husband while still waiting for the gardner to come back and give her some deep-dickin'. Poor Gaby. She's burdened with more cash than she can reasonably handle, several attractive men waiting to give it to her good and hard and her diamond shoes are too tight.
White? Seriously?
While at her wedding, Gaby hooked up with Carlos after finding out her rich new husband only married her to attract Latino voters, much like George Dubya only married Laura to attract the shrill harpy demographic. Gaby and Carlos had devised a plan to run away together (aww middle-aged love) but the plan was halted when Carlos found Edie's balls hanging 4 feet off the ground, as opposed to the usual 2. It seems Edie's evil scheme worked since Carlos tells Gaby that he can't leave Edie while she's on a ventilator.
Susan and Mike are enjoying a casual breakfast celebrating their one month anniversary, when Susan goes and cocks it up like she always does. She tells Mike that he seems disconnected and not very happy. Mike denies the claim and their bland, elbowy, geek-fight is interrupted when a moving van pulls in across the street. Uh oh. New neighbors. Think they'll have a dark secret? That never goes well.
This is her face after being told her puppy just died.
Bree is in the kitchen adjusting her strap on. Strap on baby belly, that is, and chatting with her hot, bisexual son who doesn't get nearly enough airtime. Andrew tells Brie that he doesn't want to participate in the charade anymore because it's wrong, unlike blackmailing your mother with molestation charges. Bree begins is explaining that she has to maintain the charade to keep up the family's reputation since it's already been so tarnished with the murder, suicide attempts and undercooked raspberry tartlets at the last ice cream social when she is interrupted by Agent Dale Cooper telling her that there's a moving van next door. What halfwit do they have chained in the basement this time?
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Comments (24)
It was Julia Sugarbaker :)
1 of 24 | Posted by Shelley | Posted on October 3, 2007 10:44 AM
Wow, Fozzie! that's some dark snark, baby! Have you been doing all these recaps, must investigate, as there's nothing I like more than spanish sex words and tranny death references! NO really!!!! Looking forward to more. Thought the show was fun, but fork Bre and her fake baby, and Susan (loved it when Dr. said "so nice to put a face with a name") Also, comforting to know I wasn't the only 4 year old out working the streets trying to get a quarter for a new pack of smokes.
2 of 24 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on October 3, 2007 11:55 AM
I had to re-register just so I could comment on this recap. I haven't watched this show since the early part of 'the season that shall not be named' but if this excellent recap is any indication I will have to reconsider. This is one of the funniest recaps EVER on tvgasm. Every other line had me guffawing with glee. Bravo, FozzieBare, bravo!
So Bree's son is bi now, not gay? Does anyone get the sense that bi is the hot new orientation. We gays will have to pull out all the stops to get back on the radar screen.
3 of 24 | Posted by bdos88 | Posted on October 3, 2007 12:34 PM
I had to re-register just so I could comment on this recap. I haven't watched this show since the early part of 'the season that shall not be named' but if this excellent recap is any indication I will have to reconsider. This is one of the funniest recaps EVER on tvgasm. Every other line had me guffawing with glee. Bravo, FozzieBare, bravo!
So Bree's son is bi now, not gay? Does anyone get the sense that bi is the hot new orientation. We gays will have to pull out all the stops to get back on the radar screen.
4 of 24 | Posted by bdos88 | Posted on October 3, 2007 12:38 PM
I had to re-register just so I could comment on this recap. I haven't watched this show since the early part of 'the season that shall not be named' but if this excellent recap is any indication I will have to reconsider. This is one of the funniest recaps EVER on tvgasm. Every other line had me guffawing with glee. Bravo, FozzieBare, bravo!
So Bree's son is bi now, not gay? Does anyone get the sense that bi is the hot new orientation. We gays will have to pull out all the stops to get back on the radar screen.
5 of 24 | Posted by bdos88 | Posted on October 3, 2007 12:41 PM
Sorry about the triple post, don't know what happened there.
6 of 24 | Posted by bdos88 | Posted on October 3, 2007 1:10 PM
Sorry about the triple post, don't know what happened there.
7 of 24 | Posted by bdos88 | Posted on October 3, 2007 1:14 PM
People - just be patient. The comments take a lot of time to load and even refreshing your browser when it says "error" reposts your comment after it actually posted fine.
OKAY -- I am PSYCHED that someone is recapping Desperate Housewives, especially after the last few episodes of last season were egregiously IGNORED!
I will now watch the show I've tivo'd and return to comment!!!!!!!!!
8 of 24 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on October 3, 2007 2:42 PM
Fozziebare!!! Great recap!! Best line,
"although her neck is now 14 inches long,
(but that's measuring from the base of her balls)"
But lynette puked in psycho moms purse,she only thought it was her moms purse:)
9 of 24 | Posted by lloyd dobbler | Posted on October 3, 2007 3:59 PM
Thanks lloyd! I didn't even catch that it was Psycho Mom's purse as I was furiously typing. That bizzle had it comin'. Thanks for the sharp eyes and ears!
10 of 24 | Posted by fozziebare13 | Posted on October 3, 2007 4:39 PM
Joly crap. That was an amazing recap. seriously! :D
And season 4is looking better than the last two.. hopefully it won't drop off and fizzle during the last stretch like 3rd season.
11 of 24 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on October 3, 2007 5:24 PM
Fozziebare, do you really care about this season's "mystery?" Looks like it's not mysterious enough to carry a whole season to me. I don't care why this 16 year-old can't remember her BFF from 12 years ago. That sounds about right to me. The only reason why I can remember my best friend from 4 years old is because we were still BFFs at 16!
Anyway:
"The festivities are interrupted when Edie sachets and chantes onto the scene, fresh from the hospital and limping with Carlos's help."
I think you meant to write "sashays and shantes (as in "Supermodel")"?
Funny recap. Muuuuch better than the actual episode. So don't rush to watch what you aren't missing, bdos88.
P.S.
Can TVgasm work on the comment section taking forever and a day (Ok, 3 minutes, I counted) to load a comment?
12 of 24 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on October 4, 2007 7:10 AM
Actually I am excited about this mystery. Is this the same girl or did they just buy a new daughter off the same Ukrainian Internet that Lynette used for her wig? Why did they have no choice but to come back? Where's this Aunt that Katherine mentioned? Why is Nathan Fillion so freakin' hot? I think it's going to be a great season!
Also thanks for the clarification on the correct way to spell how a tranny walks. You think of all people I would know that.
13 of 24 | Posted by fozziebare13 | Posted on October 4, 2007 7:40 AM
I have to say that if the rest of the season continues the way it started, then DH is back on my DVR. If it devolves into another "Susan does her weekly pratfall" fest again, then I'm outa here.
Fozz, good job, I look forward to next week's recap.
I have a question: Is Danielle's pregnancy a result of her dalliance with her black neighbor? If so, how are Orson and Bree going to explain the baby's features?
14 of 24 | Posted by talma63 | Posted on October 4, 2007 9:48 AM
talma63: Edie's nephew Austin is the father of Danielle's baby.
15 of 24 | Posted by teller | Posted on October 4, 2007 10:33 AM
Goes to show how attentive I was last season. I thought that the father of Danielle's baby was the teacher with whom she had an affair? I'm surprised that Bree isn't a little more freaked out that her new baby is related to Edie.
16 of 24 | Posted by fozziebare13 | Posted on October 4, 2007 4:11 PM
Yay - I am SO happy to see a recap for this season, after it was so unceremoniously dumped in the middle of last season.
I'm also extremely excited about Nathan Fillion being on the show! Not only is he in one of my favorite movies EVER (he is Cliff, the meanie ex-boyfriend in Blast from the Past) but he is from my hometown (Edmonton) and studied Drama at the University of Alberta - like I am doing. (I'm a Design/Drama student) Likely, we have had some of the same professors - they seem to have been the same ones for ages.
Thanks for a great recap!!
17 of 24 | Posted by georgiababe | Posted on October 4, 2007 10:17 PM
"I thought that the father of Danielle's baby was the teacher with whom she had an affair?"
I'm pretty sure it is the teacher, hence the scandal.
18 of 24 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on October 6, 2007 3:30 PM
Okay, Wisteria is spelled with an 'i'.
Bree's hot son is, sadly, not bi but gay.
I think it was $10 million in the Caymans.
Lynette chundered into the random psycho Mum's handbag, not her Mum's. And as for "I'll buy you another handbag" -- yeah, right. Some of those croc skin babies go for $2000+.
Okay, that's enough trainspotting.
I have to ask, who goes to see a male gyno for their annual checkup? For anything?? Anyone who doesn't know what it feels like to have a speculum inside them is not going to inspect my special place. No siree.
Great recap!! Really funny! LOVED the pic of the babies with the heinekens. Where do you find this stuff?
Looking forward to your next recap.
19 of 24 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on October 6, 2007 3:50 PM
1) I was using the Dutch nomenclature for Wysteria. If you check the idiomatic tranlation you'll see my spelling is still very valid.
2) I recall an episode last season where Bree's son said that he was bi. From AfterElton.com "But creator Marc Cherry, who is himself openly gay, quickly squelched those fancies in subsequent episodes, when Andrew revealed himself to be possibly bisexual and most definitely wicked."
3) Based on fluxuating interest rates and a transfer fee that I read about in an e-mail from a Bahrainian Prince that offered to give me half his fortune, (I'm still considering it) $2 million is the average rate per $10 million transferred into the country.
4) And I'm still pretty convinced that Psycho mom is Lynette's real mother. Mark my words that this will be a major plot point this season.
20 of 24 | Posted by fozziebare13 | Posted on October 6, 2007 6:26 PM
So the Dutch allegedly spell it "Wysteria"?
Mmmmmkay... Relevance?
And even though Edie said "10 million", you're going to adjust substantially that figure for your readers.
Whatever works for you, babe.
21 of 24 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on October 7, 2007 11:10 AM
D M G!
Danielle's baby daddy is definitely Austin...Edie's nephew, not the teacher. There was this whole thing last season where Austin had just made up with Julie Meyer after cheating on her with Danielle and then he found out that his time spent with Danielle resulted in a pregnancy. Orson told Austin to leave town, blah, blah, blah...
22 of 24 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on October 8, 2007 8:11 AM
^ for reals? Because I thought they just tried to pin the pregnancy on Austin, somehow, bc that was the guy she was currently screwing.
23 of 24 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates! | Posted on October 8, 2007 11:46 AM
No LNNC92 is right; Austin is the baby daddy. I think the teacher broke it off with Danielle after Bree showed up at his hotel room with all of Danielle's stuff like she was going to move in with him.
Hopefully Danielle slept with Austin before Paris Hilton did; otherwise that is a new scandal the Van de Kemps will have to cover up - how will they cover up the valtrex prescription pickup??
great recap. although i am really disgusted with thinking about susan meyer's crazy pregnant hijinks.
24 of 24 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on October 10, 2007 7:39 PM