TVgasm Recaps: Your Source for Desperate Housewives

Desperate Housewives: A Blanking Blankstorm of Blank

This week on Desperate Housewives: Cherry and Co. continue to want everyone to hate Katherine, and if this episode is any evidence, mission accomplished. Because she tries AGAIN to seduce Mike pretty much in front of Susan, then acts like a crazy cake-making ho toward Angie. But MIKE TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF! I know! Also, Tom cheats on a test and Lynette judges him for it. Gabby tries to home-school Juanita; and Bree and Karl have sex or a conversation or do the same crap they always do. Oh yeah, and Susan falls in something.

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You're such a clutz, Suz!

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Posted by Hypnotoad at 12:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Desperate Housewives: Jamaican Me Crazy!

This week on Desperate Housewives: Gabby wants Juanita to have the best party ever! Lynette gets served by an 80 year-old. Bree gets served by a Jamaican motel maid. Angie and Nick try to hide things. Again. And Susan begins to see how effing crazy Katherine is. And I choose the most expected, lamest pun as the title this week.

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Jeeze, Terri Hatcher. Put on some makeup.

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Posted by Hypnotoad at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Desperate Housewives: Coma Chameleon

This Week on Desperate Housewives: Lynette's boobs are huge! Ana admits she has feelings for a now creepy John, which makes Gabby loco. Bree actually does some catering work for a change. Katherine continues her long slide into the bell jar, and Julie wakes up from her coma, which makes Mary Alice blab on about secrets. AGAIN.

Forget your secret. Just tell me where you got that apron.

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Posted by Hypnotoad at 6:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Desperate Housewives: Bashin' Show

This week on Desperate Housewives: Bree gets all jealous with Karl; John the Gardener returns; Lynette and Tom try to hide her pregnancy from Lynette's bosses; and Susan goes absolutely ape-poopy on Angie and Green Day. And Katherine has one scene and no lines.

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This lame extra had a bigger role than Katherine's this week.

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Posted by Hypnotoad at 1:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Desperate Housewives: Pre-Natal Attraction

This week on Desperate Housewives: Andrea Bowen earns some easy coma money; Bree thinks about telling Susan about her affair with Karl; Gabby and Ana butt heads (whaaa?); and Katherine becomes completely insane.

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The fight over a plumber continues. Cuz that happens like all the...never.

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Posted by Hypnotoad at 12:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Desperate Housewives: Brides, Wed Revisited

Previously on Desperate Housewives: Gabby's niece Slutty Ana moved in with her and her husband and chubby ninas; Bree decided to divorce Orson and then decided to have a Hot Karl; Lynette got pregnant, again, so stick around for another kid whose name starts with a "P"; Susan whined a lot and almost got killed but didn't and now maybe she married Mike but maybe Katherine did; and Marc Cherry decided he'd had enough of Nicolette Sheridan rockin' the Lane and being arguably the only enjoyable character in an abortion of a season; and ABC online had a video player that didn't take up my entire screen so that I could type and watch comfortably at the same time. Let's all try to forget last season's suckfest and try to focus on this season being the best one yet (which is, coincidentally, the mantra of the Kansas City Royals, I believe)!

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God I hope he's under that veil.

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Posted by Hypnotoad at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Desperate Housewives: Meh. At Least It's Over.

It's the final episode of the 5th and crappiest season! Yay! Tonight's first episode is entitled "Everybody Says Don't." Which was also the title of the 18th episode of Season 2. Which goes to show you a.) how lazy the writers have been this season, and/or b.) how much research they actually do in regards to the continuity of the show. Pretty awesome, Cherry.

Recycle

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Posted by Hypnotoad at 11:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Desperate Housewives: The Man in the Totally Gay Mask

This week on Desperate Housewives: Tom wants plastic surgery; Bree still wants a divorce, or does she? Yeah. She does; Susan and Jackson are getting married; Mike and Katherine are getting married; and Gabby tries real hard to learn a lesson and retain knowledge. Again.

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Can we just make the show about Juanita?

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Posted by Hypnotoad at 11:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Desperate Housewives: Blame Canada

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Bree goes to Karl for divorce help; Susan gets a surprise when someone who sucks from her past comes back; Dave's revenge plans keep happening at the pace of a drunk snail; Katherine and Mike talk real love; Tom and Lynette are the exact same people they've been for the past 5 seasons; the writers for this show are lazy bastards; and I don't have enough vodka to get through this tripe.

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Yes, Mike. This really is your scene. Make it work.

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Posted by Hypnotoad at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Desperate Housewives: Boreson

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: As the season winds down, the show becomes less and less interesting. Orson lies; Carlos sees Lynette naked; Gabby and Tom argue; and Susan reveals a dark secret to Dave.

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I'm bored.
Me too.