Testimonials

Bree and Susan are once again gabbing over their celestial seasonings tea like old ladies do, when Susan tells Bree that she asked Mike about his addiction and he said there was nothing to worry about so she's not going to. Luckily that's over. Bree rolls her eyes at Susan's stupidity and begins to show Susan how she was able to keep her alcoholism a secret for so long despite being drunk off her ass at multiple social events. She shows Susan how she hid her wine in the bread maker, stored mini-bottles in the spice rack and secretly stashed a fifth of gin in Andrew's ass once after a date with a Puerto Rican.

Susan believes anything she's told so she immediately goes home and starts rummaging through her house looking for pills. She finds Mike's stack of kiddie-porn, the bloody knife he uses to kill hitchhikers and the three slave girls tied in the basement, but luckily no pills. Susan is just about to give up her search when she notices that the flashlight isn't working and is making an odd "pills in a bag" rattling noise when she shakes it. Susan unscrews the flashlight to find "pills in a bag."

"The flashlight! Here I've been keeping my drugs in a condom that I swallowed like a sucker!"

Across town, Stella, Lynette and her sister, Cindy, who happens to be that chick from Studio 60 with a bad Hedwig haircut, are having lunch. When Mom excuses herself to use the ladies room and have sex in the stall with a stranger, Lynette's sister immediately tells Lynette that Stella cannot move back into her place. She has note cards of advice from her therapist on how to handle the situation and tells Lynette, "I don't care that you were on Friends I won't get high with you in the alley," before realizing she has the wrong set of note cards. "I will not be emotionally blackmailed," she says. Her mom lived with her for two years and constantly drank, smoked and even brought home a stranger from a bar once. Lynette assures her sister that their mother has changed. Cindy begins to spout more psychobabble, but Lynette quiets her and says she gives in. As soon as Cindy turns away, Lynette grabs her keys and pops the trunk of her sister's car. When their mother returns, Lynette casually excuses herself and runs outside to load Stella's bags into her Cindy's before speeding off like a bat out of hell.

So goes the suitcase, so goes my mother. No way this plan can fail.

Carlos comes to Edie's house after she called to inform him that he had left a piece of artwork at her place when he packed up his kerchief and left. In a fit of rage, Edie punched a hole through his priceless artwork, leaving a huge tear right where the bulldog holding the ace should be. Edie apologizes for destroying his painting and also for telling Victor about his and Gaby's affair. With an arched eyebrow, Edie informs Carlos that Victor was really scary-mad when she told him about it. Then she slams the door in his face.

Carlos calls Gaby to tell her that Victor is in the know about their secret affair. Gaby says that's impossible because he's been really sweet and attentive and she needs to get off the phone because Victor wants her to play a quick game of William S. Burroughs with her. Gaby finally realizes what's going on just as Victor walks in. She jumps and drops her cell phone, but before she can retrieve it, Victor grabs the phone and reminds her that they are supposed to be cut off from the outside world like the husband and wife in The Shining. He tells Gaby that when they're back home she can talk to "Bree" as much as she wants, as well as Einstein and Saint Peter.

Gaby follows Victor up to the deck to find him cutting cheese with an oddly large and frighteningly sharp knife. She tries to convince Victor to take her home because she's chilly, sea sick and riddled with scurvy but Victor sees through her lies. He tells her that he knows everything about her affair with Carlos, and reaches into his bag on the deck of the boat. Before Victor can pull out the dagger, or revolver, or lead pipe or rope from the bag, Gaby grabs the oar and hits Victor in the head, knocking him overboard. Then she jams the boat into high gear and takes off, leaving Victor bobbing in the water, screaming her name.

I'm too pretty to die.

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Posted in Desperate Housewives by FozzieBare at 6:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Last Comment: juddfan on Nov 20, 2007 01:00 PM.