The camera closes in on Gabrielle’s face at the hospital, while Mary Alice voiceover’s that Gaby is thinking of her next “great idea”.

The show casually tells us that when Gabrielle was 15, her Stepfather came to her room late one night and raped her. P.S., the actor playing her stepfather is the very same guy who plays the Vin Diesel role in the porno versions of xXx and The Chronicles of My-dick. I know because a friend told me, and also because I own them.

At 15, Gabrielle moves out of her house, rightfully so. At 20, she seduces a famous fashion photographer, and a week later, begins her career as the nation’s shortest and sluttiest runway model. Really, she’s a pretty girl -- but runway model? Are we talking “Heezellay Boondchen” runway, or the “Fashion Spectacular at The Dress Barn in Peoria, Illinois” runway? Just asking.

But her modeling career takes a dive when she takes the plunge with Carlos, the man she goes on to love, honor and betray. But betrayal is oh so much more understandable when the montage cuts to John, the H.O.T. teenager who has been “tending her yard” and “plowing her field” and “having intercourse with her” these past couple of months.

Now Mama Solis’ accident has changed everything, and Gabrielle is bored again. And apparently latch hooking and scrapbook making aren’t in her near future. Gabby tells a nurse that she feels unsatisfied. The nurse replies that she derives happiness in life from helping the sick, and right on cue runs out of the room on a “Code Blue Alert” to help an old woman who appears to be strangling herself to death. Gaby senses that the hospital could use more staffers and better funding. So, with a flash of her trademarked smirk, she begins organizing a “Sacred Heart Charity Fashion Show”. Oh, also, har har.

Gaby sorts through dresses as a housewife named Betty complains that she’s too fat for the runway. Gabrielle gives her a pep talk reminiscent of Herb Brooks and his 1980 miracle hockey team: “Your ganna wear black, your ganna look great, now get out dare and model dat dare dress!”

Credits roll, music courtesy of Danny Elfman.

Edie, looking like a demented 4th grader in braids, sorts through dresses already reserved for the other ladies and finds one to her liking. The dress belongs to Mortal Frenemy Susan, and Edie rips the name tag off with a vengeance. Susan catches her in the act, takes back her dress, and marches off with a decisive “Frock Off” aimed at gr-Edie.