In the immortal 80's classic Fame, Montgomery McNeil asks: "Never being happy isn't the same as being unhappy. Is it?" Well, Montgomery, I don't know the answer to that particular plight, but I wonder about a similar predicament. Is being wrong and not being right the same thing? Because by all accounts, my theory that Art, the friendly neighborhood Michael Jackson, isn't the pedophile Lynette claims he is, has been blown out of the water in the last five minutes of the episode when he admits to Lynette that he has urges. And not the kind of urges that I have everytime I see Kim Smith or a bag of Oreo cookies. I mean yucky urges. In the same breath, he admits to never acting on these urges towards his swim kids because of his sickly sister. So, then, technically, he's NOT a pedophile YET. Right? So I'm not wrong! Look, I've only been wrong three times in my life: one involved a High School girlfriend, another involved a 1992 Ford Taurus and the third, a promising young actress named Leelee Sobieski (she seemed so cute at the time!), so I'm not ready to be wrong here also. Although I guess, lurking with the intent to pedophile is as bad as BEING a pedophile, but I'll let semantics favor on my side.
Find out what else after the jump!
It's a very Merry Christmas on Wisteria Lane. Bells will be ringing, snow flakes will fall and all that. Problemo though, apparently, whoever was heading up the Annual Wisteria Lane Christmas Holiday Block Party (we know they got rid of the Black people on their block, but no Jewish families?) planning committee, forgot to cross off Art The Pedophile on the Invite list (this would have NEVER happened to Angela at Dunder-Mifflin). It must've looked something like this:
Wrap Presents for Kids - check
Buy 6 gallons of Eggnog - check
Decorate Town Nativity Scene - check
Disinvite Neighborhood Pedophile -
Let me tell you I made the same mistake at the TVgasm Christmas party last year, when I remembered to bring the beer and Spinach Dip Bread Bowl, but also brought the guys from Television Without Pity. Talk about Awkward!
Anyway, the Christmas party seems to be going off without a hitch. That is until Art and his wheelchair bound sister, Tiny Timette, come to the party dressed as Santa Claus and his elf, respectively. Nothing creepier than a handsy Santa Claus, believe me, I spent years in therapy finding that out. The party "crashers" cause the Christmas Block Party to come to a halt faster than Michael Richards raises his hand at a Klan meeting. Rim Shot!
We get a glimpse of the Wisteria Lane-ites busting out there Christmas stuff (which I myself will be doing tonight for my parents in what I consider the worst night of the entire year, just behind Halloween and slightly above the Daytime Emmys - don't get me started on Susan Lucci!). But I must admit that I chuckle that slutty Edie is the one who pulls out the Baby Jesus from her box of "Winter Crap." You know how Jesus loathes those Trannies!
Next stop is Susan's house, where she is playing coy with some mistletoe and her British love, Ian. Now, it's time for some kind of informal poll, as I honestly wonder if anyone actually uses
mistletoe, or if it's just one of those things that only television characters use. Kind of like those sheets that perfectly cover both a man's genitals and a woman's boobies. Or the way every twentysomething character on television has wacky parents that they hate. Anyway, Ian has more than some tongue and over the shirt action in store for Susan. His parents, presumably British and stuffy, are coming into town! Susan's excited to meet Ian's parents, because couldn't you just imagine how much they will LOOOOVE her. Probably as much as Ian's butler, Jeeves, which is not at all. To help that matter along, Ian wants Susan to cook dinner for his parents, as a "Welcome to America - I'm boning your rich son" gesture. Susan is noticeably concerned, as she is "hilariously inept" when it comes to cooking. Or walking. Or properly raising a child. Ian endlessly pleads with her even though Susan clearly doesn't want to do this. In fact he sounds like any number of sixteen year old high school boys talking to their girlfriends. Susan, of course caves, and has sex with him after Winter Pep Rally under the bleechers. I mean promises to cook for his parents. Same diff.
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Comments (25)
Niiiiiice Saved By the Bell reference. I miss The Babe.
1 of 25 | Posted by criscogirl
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Posted on December 1, 2006 4:40 PM
I'm curious to see what Monique looked like. And maybe Art was just messing with Lynette's mind? But I doubt it for some reason..
2 of 25 | Posted by LagunaBeached
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Posted on December 1, 2006 5:18 PM
Umnata, while I appreciate the effort to make a SBTB reference, you messed up somewhat.
When Slater and company were working at the Malibu Sands, Albert Clifford did not have a girlfriend. However, he did save a girl named Cynthia (played by Denise Richards), who asked him to the club's dance at the end of the summer.
AC met up with Christina the princess when he and the gang were in Palm Springs for Jessie's father's wedding.
As for Desperate Housewives, I still thought it was kinda lame to make Lynette doubt her initial suspicions about Art. C'mon, any guy with pictures of shirtless boys is a pedophile. No exceptions.
Anyone else think Grandma Sugarbaker and Alma killed Monique and pinned it on Mike? That's my theory, at least.
3 of 25 | Posted by WhosYourPapi
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Posted on December 1, 2006 5:50 PM
KimberBree is a Stepford wife. Of course her brow never budges!
"Susan's food KILLS!" hahaha!
I am reluctantly beginning to agree with your assessment of Gabby's dastardly character (tho her acting chops are still tops in my book). Complete absence of moral compass indeed.
Papi -- that's a good theory that hadn't even occurred to me. Well, I wasn't speculating about it, either.
U, your recap was funny enough to gloss over the multitudinous typos. Thanks heaps for the larfs!
4 of 25 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates!
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Posted on December 1, 2006 5:59 PM
Yeah I thought they killed Monique too.
5 of 25 | Posted by LagunaBeached
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Posted on December 1, 2006 6:01 PM
That last scene with Art truly was terrifying. I was actually pressing back into my couch because I wanted to get away from him so badly. It was an awesome scene.
And a very hilarious recap! Had me giggling the whole way through!
6 of 25 | Posted by The Red Bean
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Posted on December 1, 2006 6:58 PM
I agree with the whole Alma/Grandma killed Monique story, but I have a couple of questions about it:
1) How do they know Mike? If Bree didn't know about Carolyn Bigsby or Alma's disappearance, how would they know who Mike is? Unless, of course, he has ties from a long time ago.
2) Why wouldn't they pin it on Orson? Isn't that logical, since he cheated on Alma and his mother seems to hate him?
3) I forget, but where does Mike know Monique from? I don't remember whether they'd explained it yet or not.
I guess those questions will probably be answered in the episodes to come, but I think that they need to be answered, if we are to believe that Alma/Grandma killed Monique.
Nice recap, by the way!
~Georgia~
7 of 25 | Posted by georgiababe
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Posted on December 1, 2006 10:24 PM
Great Recap!
I wish you would have mentioned the obviously Photoshopped photo of Granny Sugarbaker and Orson that Susan found. I understand they have to use Photoshop but couldn't that have found a picture of Dixie Carter that wasn't quite so obviously a publicity still from "Designing Women?" I mean they might as well have put Kyle McLachlin's head on Delta Burke's body.
8 of 25 | Posted by fozziebare13
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Posted on December 2, 2006 8:58 AM
Great Recap!
I wish you would have mentioned the obviously Photoshopped photo of Granny Sugarbaker and Orson that Susan found. I understand they have to use Photoshop but couldn't that have found a picture of Dixie Carter that wasn't quite so obviously a publicity still from "Designing Women?" I mean they might as well have put Kyle McLachlin's head on Delta Burke's body.
9 of 25 | Posted by fozziebare13
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Posted on December 2, 2006 8:59 AM
You're right Umnata, Gabi's character is just thoroughly unlikeable... I can't really bring myself to care when good/bad things happen to her.
Anyways.. I don't really side with Lynette... she might have ended up right about Art, but the ends don't justify the means. She went about it in the typical annoying stay-at-home mom type of way...basically blurting out suspicions to all the other dumbass fat moms.. you'd think someone who works in corporate advertising would have knowledge of tact.
10 of 25 | Posted by shia0bundan
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Posted on December 2, 2006 11:19 AM
^ Right!!
11 of 25 | Posted by Donna Martin Graduates!
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Posted on December 2, 2006 12:16 PM
The Art character could just be faking his 'urges' in order to extract revenge on Lynette.
There's two options: make the accuser feel bad because of pity, or make them feel bad because of dread.
12 of 25 | Posted by zoopy
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Posted on December 2, 2006 12:30 PM
As this episode went along, I started to think to myself "Gee, maybe Umnata is right and I'm wrong about Art being a pedophile."
Then Art confesses to being a pedophile, and I was happy to be right, then immediately felt bad that I had just spent the better part of an hour hoping that someone (even a fictional character) would turn out to be a pedophile. Another withdrawl from the karma bank.
(But I was right)
I also noticed the photo from Designing Women. I think it might even be from the opening credits. I couldn't decide if the producers just did it for a laugh, or if they told an intern young enough to not remember the show to mock up a photo, so they grabbed what they though was a random photo from the internet.
13 of 25 | Posted by brilliantmistake
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Posted on December 3, 2006 6:14 PM
great recap i am still giggling.
i read in ew that marc cherry's first job in la was working as dixie carter's assistant, so i think the obvious photoshopped pic is an homage to the good old days.
grandma sugarbaker being in cahoots with alma is kind of a retarded turn of events. very season two. and they were doing so great!
damn i miss aunt jackie and the babe!
14 of 25 | Posted by quince
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Posted on December 3, 2006 8:54 PM
great recap i am still giggling.
i read in ew that marc cherry's first job in la was working as dixie carter's assistant, so i think the obvious photoshopped pic is an homage to the good old days.
grandma sugarbaker being in cahoots with alma is kind of a retarded turn of events. very season two. and they were doing so great!
damn i miss aunt jackie and the babe!
15 of 25 | Posted by quince
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Posted on December 3, 2006 8:56 PM
and in the saved by the bell reference, the princess called ac a real american cheesecake. not beefcake.
16 of 25 | Posted by sweetjane
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Posted on December 4, 2006 6:54 AM
i am NEVER quoting (or misquoting) Saved By The Bell again! and it seemed like such a good idea at time..
17 of 25 | Posted by umnata
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Posted on December 4, 2006 8:22 AM
Umnata, a Saved by the Bell reference is always hilarious. Your recaps are great, keep up the good work!
18 of 25 | Posted by dmbislove
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Posted on December 5, 2006 7:45 AM
Why does the name "Sugarbaker" sound SOOOO familiar?
19 of 25 | Posted by twnpeeks
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Posted on December 5, 2006 10:38 AM
That was Dixie Carter's character's business in Designing Women...
20 of 25 | Posted by Ubiquitous
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Posted on December 8, 2006 10:55 AM
All right, what's going on with TypeKey? It never knows whether I'm signed on or not...I also hate that you've removed the "All Pages" choice.
After several weeks of cogent, sequentially correct episodes, it appears that DH has slid back to last season when no one knew just WTF was going on. The plots are getting mixed up, hazy and awfully confusing. We need a whiz-bang episode where Gabby tries to muscle in on Bree's Orson and then either Orson or Bree kills her, automatically creating goodwill among fans by eliminating Eva and causing the breakup of what has to be the dumbest marriage on TV. Susan and Mike would actually win that if they were married, though.
The Art part (hey, I like the sound of that)was chilling. It truly shocked me and I liked it because on the one hand it made Lynette react and it exposed Art's real persona.
In all, I was giving this season a B- for entertainment value, but this E episode has brought the average down.
21 of 25 | Posted by Tony A.
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Posted on December 11, 2006 10:40 AM
Yes, I agree that Art is not necessarily a pedophile - I think that he just said the perfect thing to hit Lynette where she lives and make her hurt as much as he did - she did, after all help kill his sister. Now Lynette feels hideous.
I am also sure that the photo of Julia Sugarbaker, as opposed to "orson's mother" was an homage from Marc Cherry's old days
22 of 25 | Posted by Lestat1966
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Posted on December 24, 2006 8:48 PM
Yo Umnata, are you still writing these blogs? PLEASE keep writing them! I need my fix! I just reread this one and laughed my ass off.
23 of 25 | Posted by Flipit
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Posted on January 13, 2007 1:09 AM
^^^^yea, what Flipit said! I forget there was a new eppy last week so I only caught the last 10 mins. or so. Been checking daily for your recaps, miss them... :-*(
24 of 25 | Posted by Tati
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Posted on January 13, 2007 8:11 PM
Hey All -
Last week's recap is all set to go, I'm just waiting for B-Side to have some time to post it. I'll have this week's up by mid-week.
25 of 25 | Posted by umnata
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Posted on January 14, 2007 3:16 PM