Two - Two - Two for the Price of One! (OK 1 1/2) - 
by Umnata
In the immortal words of Ron Burgundy: "Don't act like you're not impressed." Come on, the complete and utter breakdown of the Desperate Housewives, Season 3 recaps, one week into the new season is somewhat impressive. I mean episode 2 and already no recap? Brilliant! I always knew that Teri Hatcher would ruin my life, and here we are in the midst of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Of course, really, there is no one to blame other than myself, being as the show's first three episodes are already better than the whole of season 2. So after swearing on my DVR that no matter how busy I am, I will stay on top of these recaps, I'm back, mostly with the help of my trusty IPOD. It is a testament to how committed I am to you, the TVgasmic elite, that I will not only download the latest Wisteria Lane madness to my IPOD but also watch it and take notes on it during my hellish commute into New York City via the Long Island Railroad. Picture it, Hicksville, NY 2006. A packed train filled to the brim with angry Long Island commuters, looking only for comfort, quiet and to be gloriously left alone for the 43 minutes it takes to reach the dreaded Penn Station. Sandwiched between a smelly, sweaty stockbroker and a skankalicious NYU commuter yapping on her cell phone, is 220 pound, 25 year old Umnata, not only watching Desperate Housewives on his IPOD, but taking notes on it. That, my friends, is commitment.
So strap in for an extended take on the second and third episodes of DH. This is essentially going to be a recap of the most recent episode (10/08), and we'll flashback to the events of episode 2 (10/01) as needed. Let's check it out as these episodes come equipped with shocking births! Comas! Lurid trysts! A wedding! A new shirtless wonder! The Return of Umnata's arch nemesis Jesse Metcalfe! And more Babe than you can shake a stick at! How could I miss all this? In the equally immortal words of Jacobin Mugatu: "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
Last week, Bree & Orson finally tied the knot. I use the word finally, very loosely, as they've only known each other for about 20 minutes, which is fine, but only if one of you is a Carter and the other is a Playboy Playmate. The best part of this whole episode, however, was the bridesmaid dresses that Bree had picked out for her "three best friends." Sure, ugly bridesmaid dresses are about a dime a dozen, but come on... look at Felicity Huffman:
She may be the most talented bridesmaid, but man, she can really look like someone who fell off the pretty tree, missed every branch and landed face first into a rock. I mean that in the nicest way possible, however.
More importantly than the ugly bridesmaid dresses, was the fact that the girls finally all came out of the closet as Orson haters. Susan even went so far as to head over to the bank where Carolyn, Orson's nosy ex-neighbor who believes he killed his former wife Alma, works. Oh Laurie Metcalf! How much more believable you'd be as a suspicious neighbor if you didn't look completely crazy. With that skinny neck and huge eyes... You don't exactly look at her and think: "Viable witness." Bree finally puts the smack down on her bridesmaids, but soon after her own doubts get the better of her, and she asks Orson about his wife, who he again denies killing. He hasn't, however, denied drugging her and putting her in the loony bin (remember that lady in white from last season?). To further drive the point home, that dead body that we saw at the end of the season premiere is uncovered, and cop Ernie Hudson steps out of his time machine from playing an extra in Shaft,
to bring Orson and Bree down to the police station to identify the body (which, by the way, is toothless). Orson sees the body and says it isn't Alma, and Carolyn enters soon after to confirm it.
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