Testimonials

Lynette comes home from the Scarfitorium to find Tom waiting for her on the front porch. Lynette immediately assumes the worst, but Tom tells her that someone is there to see her. When led into the house we see veteran character actor and all around queer Richard Chamberlain as Lynette's stepfather Glen. Lynette is tearfully glad to see him since they haven't spoken since Stella drove him away with her infidelity when Lynette was a child. At least that was the official story. Stella called him for money and he thought Lynette would like to know that her mother had been living in a car that she had broken into. My mom can't even use her microwave. Lynette and Glen concoct a plan to corner Stella when Glen goes to meet her with the money so that Lynette can grab her and drag her home by her wig cap.

"If this hand could talk......well, it would probably just try and catch its breath."

As Bree is exiting Orson's office, freshly splooged, she runs into Adam who is stopping by to see Orson. Bree tells Adam to go on in since Orson is in the exam room doing nothing but readjusting his chair and mopping. When Adam enters the exam room he asks Orson if he would be willing to write a prescription for Mike since Mike is in a lot of pain, and keeping a big secret for Adam. Orson tells Adam that's it's not ethical for him to write a prescription for Mike before Adam subtly reminds Orson how he is happily keeping the secret that Benjamin is not Bree's baby, rather Danielle's. I love the smell of Jewish guilt in the morning.

When Bree pulls into her driveway she sees Andrew loading up his leather swing and a box marked "dilldows" written in red crayon into the trunk of his car. Orson obviously banged out Bree's common sense because she asks Andrew what he's doing despite the obvious clues. Andrew says that he's chosen to move out so that his stink of failure won't smell up their new baby bungalow. Bree pleads with him to stay but Andrew says he's already paid the deposit; well more like worked it off in trade, and is sticking with his choice. He drives off leaving Bree in the driveway upset and perplexed, and still freshly splooged.

"Was I speeding officer? I'll be happy to take some kind of breathalizer to avoid a ticket, if you know what I mean. I mean I'll blow you."

Orson meets Mike in a dark and seedy corner of Wisteria Lane to supply him with a prescription for "the stuff." Orson tells Mike that he's not comfortable giving it to him because medication is only meant to treat symptoms and make you forget where mommy touched you. If the pain is truly chronic he should see a physical therapist or get run over with another car to reverse the polarity. Mike says that he doesn't need physical therapy, he needs a few weeks off but can't take them because the baby needs a college fund, Susan needs her goat placenta injections to maintain her youthful glow, and Julie needs another case of tweezers to pluck her enormous chin. Mike tells Orson that when he signed on to this suburban dad gig he assumed it would be more like a Hulk Hogan movie where he'd get to wear a tutu. Mike shares the fact that he's been in pain everyday since he got hit by a car, causing Orson to gulp like Ichabod Crane. Orson calls the event a tragic accident but Mike tells him that he's sure it was no accident. Whoever ran him over meant to do it, and based on the police profile it was a middle aged pan-faced momma's boy with greasy hair and thin lips. Mike vows to track down the man that ran him over and make him pay. Orson quickly hands over the prescription and wishes Mike a speedy recovery before racing home to his momm.....wife.

"I'd love to come over for a game of bridge sometime but I got these darn scorpions crawling under my skin."

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