At the Scavos, all of the children are playing in their tree house. Well, Tom and Lynette told the kids it's a tree house, but it's really more of a cage with razorwire. Lynette is bringing them a fresh bowl of gruel when the gingers and the future whore, ask Lynette to play space station with them. Lynette begins to give her best Optimus Prime impression when her cell phones rings. It's her doctor delivering good news that her cancer is receding and her stickectomy is still scheduled for next week. When Lynette hangs up the phones her kids inform her that they took a vote and there is no cancer talk allowed in the cage. "We know it's a cage mom. We're not stupid." Lynette acquiesces and smiles, pleased that the kids have found a safe haven from her illness, and the sun.
"Day 47 of my captivity. I hear whispers that the boys will soon kill and eat me, yet still the bald woman does nothing. I fear I shan't live to be the whore my mother always wanted."
Agent Cooper is packing a muffin basket to take to Danielle when Bree finds out that Danielle's grandmother bailed her out of the Sister's of Charity Home for Wayward and Easy Girls. Bree calls Phyllis and leaves an angry message as we see Danielle teaching her grandmother how to play Virtual Valerie on the PS2.
Back on Edie Street, Carlos is packing for his annual golf outing with his buddies as Edie begs him to let her come along. Carlos tells Edie that there are only 3 rules at his all guy golf weekends: No plaid pants, no women and the last one to shoot has to eat the cookie. Before he leaves, Edie gives Carlos a box of golf balls monogrammed with her initials so that no one forgets whom his balls belong to. The Science Department of San Juan Research and Medical Labs.
I pictured them hairier.
Meanwhile Gaby has the neighborhood boys tending to her garden, getting 'em younger and younger these days. Carlos calls to inform her that he escaped Edie's man-hands and is ready to meet her for their secret rendezvous. Gaby notices a suspicious van parked across the street with "Not a Private Detective, Go About Your Business" written on the side. She asks one of the boys how long the van has been parked there and the kid replies since she took little Timmy in the house for "Jesus juice." Gaby realizes that Victor has hired a private dick to spy on her while he was out of town. She informs Carlos of Victor's keen instincts but says that's it not going to keep her away from his huevos rancheros. Gaby devises an evil scheme to escape by inviting all the kids in the house to get paid for their services, and while inside she strips one of them down, as usual, and leaves the house with the boys dressed as a little boy. They don't show it, but we know there's a kid wearing skidmarked whitey tighties standing in her kitchen thinking he just scored.
"Now be a good boy and run to the Piggly Wiggly and pick up Momma a pack of smokes and a bottle of Schlitz Malt Liquor Talls."
When Gaby arrives at the hotel, Carlos is waiting for her in the lobby with a giant notebook over his lap. Before Gaby can make her way to his side her former gardener, and butt monkey, John and his newly pregnant wife, intercept her. They exchange pleasantries and talk about her new role as Latina Liaison and First Mayoral Lady. John's wife's daddy is a good friend of the Mayor's, so Gaby realizes that if John sees Carlos there, crapola is going to hit the fan. Luckily John is too overcome with drooling and touching himself while saying "touch the pretty lady" to notice Carlos, and Carlos is too far away to smell the blend of cheap gin and failure to realize Gaby is talking to John.
"Yep, we've been married about a year now and everyday a little piece of me dies on the inside."
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Comments (18)
Great recap! Love the trapped in the closet reference. :D
I'm confused. In what world can the entire street get together and decide to start removing property from other people's hosues? Does this actually happen in real life, or is it just Mark Cherry's la-la-land vision of suburbia? I just Wiki'd what a homeowner's association is (I imagine only stick-up-their-asses type of communities have 'em) and it says they have no "police" power. Given that, it would have been really easy for both Lynette and the gays to tell Katherine to shove it! Ugh, this storyline was wayyyyyyy too contrived.
1 of 18 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on November 1, 2007 9:50 AM
Neil and Bob... very clever!
2 of 18 | Posted by Clair | Posted on November 1, 2007 10:11 AM
Actually...Homeowner's Associations actually have a lot of power over stuff like that. I find it quite hilarious. The neighborhood my parents live in (which is far from a stick up your ass 'hood) makes everyone have the same color trashcan (which they provide) and it has to be at the same spot in the driveway and removed at the same time. You also have to keep your grass a certain height in some neighborhoods. Weird...a little too suburban for me and I LOVE to crack jokes with my dad over it because he calls this one lady the "pool nazi." She's the head of the homeowner's association there...and she's a little too into her job.
3 of 18 | Posted by Two Fives and a Ten | Posted on November 1, 2007 11:51 AM
Luvved the recap! Fozzie, you have the uncanny ability to give a clever recap of a ridiculously dull show. Almost as brilliant as the wonderfully snarky comments were those pictures of Hasselhoff and Hogan!
4 of 18 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on November 1, 2007 12:10 PM
FozzieBare, I love you, I honestly love you!!! I often stand on my lawn admiring my erection too, just knowing it's from my friend Tom in Finland makes it a daily squirt for me! But just in case, I better renew my subscription to Black Inches--you keep reminding me what I've been missing. TG I did become the whore my Mother always wanted me to be!!!
5 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on November 1, 2007 2:04 PM
Two Fives and a Ten
Man.. I'm originally from the suburbs (and a white-collar, stuffy one at that) so I get the whole "uniformity" thing ...but actually having to consult all the idiots in the neighborhood about what color trashcans should be would drive me crazy.
What happens if someone just flat out refuses to get rid of the statue or tree house??? Does the association have actual power to go and physically remove it ?
6 of 18 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on November 1, 2007 2:52 PM
In my suburban neighborhood, you have to have HOA approval to do anything to your house...painting, new shutters, landscaping...and if you don't sign your paper and pay your dues to agree to it, then you can't use the neighborhood facilities like the pool, clubhouse, or tennis courts.
7 of 18 | Posted by spreadhead | Posted on November 1, 2007 5:29 PM
California HOA's can be that bad and worse. Often, a few retired busy bodies with one or two axes to grind get on there and assume they can just make up laws that bind. Usually, everyone just ignores them, but sometimes they end up in a little box buried in the community flower bed.
8 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 1, 2007 9:18 PM
I vote this BEST recap of the week...
9 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 1, 2007 9:20 PM
Thanks for the comments, guys!
Juddfan, I totally love you now too. Thanks for feeding my sick and desperate constant need for approval.
And Fire@Will, best recap ever in the history of the world? Seriously? That's so sweet. (Yea, I hear what I want to.)
10 of 18 | Posted by fozziebare | Posted on November 1, 2007 10:26 PM
Let me join in the Fozziebare love fest - another awesome recap! The ultimate compliment I can give you is that because of your excellent recaps I'm actually compelled to watch DH again, just so I can fully enjoy your snark.
11 of 18 | Posted by bdos88 | Posted on November 2, 2007 3:40 AM
I vote not just best recap of the week, but one of my top tens 4eva!
And fozzie, any time I can feed someone sick and desperate . . . I'm there!!!!
12 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on November 2, 2007 9:59 AM
First timer, here. Can someone clue me in on Mrs McCluskey's reference to Bree's husband "looking for the door knob". I'm usually pretty savvy, but that confused me. Is it just that he's looking to get out of the house? Thanks, love the recaps.
13 of 18 | Posted by Maremba | Posted on November 2, 2007 10:55 AM
Welcome, Maremba!
McCluskey meant that Orson is trying to find the door knob of the closet door so he can come out of the closet, just like Andrew already has. Implying that he's gay, or bi-curious, or something :)
I love McCluskey. Great recap, btw, Fozzie!
14 of 18 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on November 2, 2007 11:11 AM
Thanks LoLo. That makes perfect sense, I can't believe I didn't see it; I feel like such a moron.
15 of 18 | Posted by Maremba | Posted on November 2, 2007 11:55 AM
Thanks, LoLo. It makes perfect sense, I can't believe I didn't get it. I feel like a moron. :-(
16 of 18 | Posted by Maremba | Posted on November 2, 2007 11:58 AM
I didn't understand the doorknob reference, either, but was too vain to admit it.
Who knew TV could be so educational?
17 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 2, 2007 1:47 PM
Fozzie, this is a GREAT recap! I have found this season boring so far, but this episode was actually funny and your recap did it more than justice.
Too many quotables to...quote.
1. "Jesus juice" lol!
2. All of the references to decrepit, aged Susan
3. Carlos trapped in the closet (ah, now his and Edie's hookup finally makes sense)
4. Andrew being a fan of Black Inches (hey, who isn't?)
In the episode, I love that Lynette and Katherine are now rivals. This is a worthy girlfight (unlike with Bree, whose only fighting technique is to try to out-polite Katherine). Team Lynette Kicking Katherine's ass!
Am I the only one who is loving the fact that Lee HATES Susan and is willing to describe his hate in very sarcastic detail? Also, how awesome was it when Katherine actually mentions Susan's too-obvious need for approval? Team New Wisteria Lane Neighbors!
Lastly, I wish Edie knew how to tie a stronger noose.
18 of 18 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on November 4, 2007 12:52 PM