Back at the Van Death Camp household, Bree is too upset to eat the Duck Confi with scalloped potatoes and rosemary ginger salad she made for an afternoon snack. She's sad that she won't get a chance to screw up another kid since Danielle's maternal instincts have finally kicked in. Andrew looks up from his Black Inches magazine to scoff at his mother's ignorance. He informs his mother and Agent Cooper that Danielle only cares about three things: 1) Danielle, 2) having fun, 3) and cock fighting. Compared to Bree's offer of a minimum wage job and community college, life in Phyllis's retirement community is looking pretty sweet. Andrew tells them that if they want that baby, they need to outbid Phyllis and possibly buy her a new rooster since Little Latin Lupe was tragically killed the previous weekend.
"By the way, Bob and Lee invited me over to help them test out their new camera equipment in the basement. Don't wait up."
Next up we see Carlos knocking on John's door, hopefully to go for a ride to see what all the hubbub is about. Instead, Carlos has come to forgive John for banging his wife during season one. John tells Carlos that he didn't just bang Gaby, he also banged her in the butt. And fell in love with her. Carlos graciously offers forgiveness for those things too and tells John that he recently realized how loving someone, and cart blanch on butt sex, makes you forget the difference between right and wrong. Before Carlos leaves, John asks him if he knows if Gaby is happy. Carlos nods knowingly and assures John that she is fully satisfied in every possible orifice.
Election day is finally upon us as Katherine and Lynette stand before the residents of Wisteria Lane with Miss McCluskey acting as proctor. Bob whispers in Lee's ear telling him that a proctor isn't what he thinks, so Lee pulls up his pants and raises off of the arm of the chair. Miss McCluskey calls for those in favor of Lynette to raise their hand, and Susan, being a good friend, fights the rheumatiz and cranks her arm high. Miss McCluskey then asks those in favor of Katherine to raise their hand, and Susan fakes a yawn and casually raises her liver spotted hand again. The count comes out 14 to 14, and as the group debates how to resolve the issue, Edie informs everyone that it wasn't a true tie since Susan voted twice. Miss McCluskey reminds Susan that she only gets one vote, but understands how it's easy to get confused at Susan's age. Susan is forced to make a decision and after a long pause, she finally sides with Katherine. Katherine is ecstatic about her victory and immediately tells several residents that she will be in touch regarding their various infractions, including Lynette. "Hey I can't help it! My kids just look that way! O, the tree house. Right."
"Listen, this whole gay thing isn't really working out like I thought it would. I need a real woman. You up for the job?"
Back at Shady Pines, Bree and Agent Cooper are brunching with Phyllis and Danielle under the ruse of putting bad feelings to rest for the sake of the baby. When Phyllis excuses herself to check her colostomy bag, Bree and Agent Cooper pounce like jungle cats, telling Danielle how proud they are that she has chosen to raise her spawn all by herself. Danielle says that Grandma will help, but Bree reminds her that Phyllis has a weak heart and a great big fat ass. Danielle may end up taking care of a baby and an infirmed old woman. A dapper gentleman then strides by wearing a wicker hat and a thong showing off his full package, all 90 years of it. Agent Cooper reminds Danielle that she should get to know her neighbors since she could learn more from their many years of experience than she ever could at that stupid party school in Florida. Bree and Agent Cooper remind Danielle that she will be surrounded by unconditional love, which is much more important than being surrounded by frat boys that only want her for the convertible they had planned to buy her. As water aerobics class begins, Danielle begins to realize that perhaps she should go to college since it's hard to support a child without a degree, and a convertible, and 7 to 10 frat guys. Bree reminds Danielle that she can't raise a baby in a dorm room, so she would need to leave it with someone she trusts who can raise it properly. Game. Set. Match.
Phyllis's retirement home isn't that bad.
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Comments (18)
Great recap! Love the trapped in the closet reference. :D
I'm confused. In what world can the entire street get together and decide to start removing property from other people's hosues? Does this actually happen in real life, or is it just Mark Cherry's la-la-land vision of suburbia? I just Wiki'd what a homeowner's association is (I imagine only stick-up-their-asses type of communities have 'em) and it says they have no "police" power. Given that, it would have been really easy for both Lynette and the gays to tell Katherine to shove it! Ugh, this storyline was wayyyyyyy too contrived.
1 of 18 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on November 1, 2007 9:50 AM
Neil and Bob... very clever!
2 of 18 | Posted by Clair | Posted on November 1, 2007 10:11 AM
Actually...Homeowner's Associations actually have a lot of power over stuff like that. I find it quite hilarious. The neighborhood my parents live in (which is far from a stick up your ass 'hood) makes everyone have the same color trashcan (which they provide) and it has to be at the same spot in the driveway and removed at the same time. You also have to keep your grass a certain height in some neighborhoods. Weird...a little too suburban for me and I LOVE to crack jokes with my dad over it because he calls this one lady the "pool nazi." She's the head of the homeowner's association there...and she's a little too into her job.
3 of 18 | Posted by Two Fives and a Ten | Posted on November 1, 2007 11:51 AM
Luvved the recap! Fozzie, you have the uncanny ability to give a clever recap of a ridiculously dull show. Almost as brilliant as the wonderfully snarky comments were those pictures of Hasselhoff and Hogan!
4 of 18 | Posted by lagitha | Posted on November 1, 2007 12:10 PM
FozzieBare, I love you, I honestly love you!!! I often stand on my lawn admiring my erection too, just knowing it's from my friend Tom in Finland makes it a daily squirt for me! But just in case, I better renew my subscription to Black Inches--you keep reminding me what I've been missing. TG I did become the whore my Mother always wanted me to be!!!
5 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on November 1, 2007 2:04 PM
Two Fives and a Ten
Man.. I'm originally from the suburbs (and a white-collar, stuffy one at that) so I get the whole "uniformity" thing ...but actually having to consult all the idiots in the neighborhood about what color trashcans should be would drive me crazy.
What happens if someone just flat out refuses to get rid of the statue or tree house??? Does the association have actual power to go and physically remove it ?
6 of 18 | Posted by shia0bundan | Posted on November 1, 2007 2:52 PM
In my suburban neighborhood, you have to have HOA approval to do anything to your house...painting, new shutters, landscaping...and if you don't sign your paper and pay your dues to agree to it, then you can't use the neighborhood facilities like the pool, clubhouse, or tennis courts.
7 of 18 | Posted by spreadhead | Posted on November 1, 2007 5:29 PM
California HOA's can be that bad and worse. Often, a few retired busy bodies with one or two axes to grind get on there and assume they can just make up laws that bind. Usually, everyone just ignores them, but sometimes they end up in a little box buried in the community flower bed.
8 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 1, 2007 9:18 PM
I vote this BEST recap of the week...
9 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 1, 2007 9:20 PM
Thanks for the comments, guys!
Juddfan, I totally love you now too. Thanks for feeding my sick and desperate constant need for approval.
And Fire@Will, best recap ever in the history of the world? Seriously? That's so sweet. (Yea, I hear what I want to.)
10 of 18 | Posted by fozziebare | Posted on November 1, 2007 10:26 PM
Let me join in the Fozziebare love fest - another awesome recap! The ultimate compliment I can give you is that because of your excellent recaps I'm actually compelled to watch DH again, just so I can fully enjoy your snark.
11 of 18 | Posted by bdos88 | Posted on November 2, 2007 3:40 AM
I vote not just best recap of the week, but one of my top tens 4eva!
And fozzie, any time I can feed someone sick and desperate . . . I'm there!!!!
12 of 18 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on November 2, 2007 9:59 AM
First timer, here. Can someone clue me in on Mrs McCluskey's reference to Bree's husband "looking for the door knob". I'm usually pretty savvy, but that confused me. Is it just that he's looking to get out of the house? Thanks, love the recaps.
13 of 18 | Posted by Maremba | Posted on November 2, 2007 10:55 AM
Welcome, Maremba!
McCluskey meant that Orson is trying to find the door knob of the closet door so he can come out of the closet, just like Andrew already has. Implying that he's gay, or bi-curious, or something :)
I love McCluskey. Great recap, btw, Fozzie!
14 of 18 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on November 2, 2007 11:11 AM
Thanks LoLo. That makes perfect sense, I can't believe I didn't see it; I feel like such a moron.
15 of 18 | Posted by Maremba | Posted on November 2, 2007 11:55 AM
Thanks, LoLo. It makes perfect sense, I can't believe I didn't get it. I feel like a moron. :-(
16 of 18 | Posted by Maremba | Posted on November 2, 2007 11:58 AM
I didn't understand the doorknob reference, either, but was too vain to admit it.
Who knew TV could be so educational?
17 of 18 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on November 2, 2007 1:47 PM
Fozzie, this is a GREAT recap! I have found this season boring so far, but this episode was actually funny and your recap did it more than justice.
Too many quotables to...quote.
1. "Jesus juice" lol!
2. All of the references to decrepit, aged Susan
3. Carlos trapped in the closet (ah, now his and Edie's hookup finally makes sense)
4. Andrew being a fan of Black Inches (hey, who isn't?)
In the episode, I love that Lynette and Katherine are now rivals. This is a worthy girlfight (unlike with Bree, whose only fighting technique is to try to out-polite Katherine). Team Lynette Kicking Katherine's ass!
Am I the only one who is loving the fact that Lee HATES Susan and is willing to describe his hate in very sarcastic detail? Also, how awesome was it when Katherine actually mentions Susan's too-obvious need for approval? Team New Wisteria Lane Neighbors!
Lastly, I wish Edie knew how to tie a stronger noose.
18 of 18 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on November 4, 2007 12:52 PM