TVgasm Recaps

Hello Gasmii! It's me, J-Mo, back from the land of limbo (and pageants featuring big drag queens) and I'm all fired up and ready to wreak havoc on an actual MTV show! Although I am mostly a Bravo! junkie (all my previous recaps have been of hairstyling and interior design shows) I have occasionally tuned into Making The Band (Boom-KAT!) and My Super Sweet Sixteen (Rich-BITCHES!), and sometimes even The Real World (glug-glug-glug-*URP*!) so I figured I'm still young and hip enough to be able to relate to one of their shows (and old enough to be ultra-grateful that this kind of crap isn't aimed at my generation). Of course, the fact that I used the word "hip" is a dead giveaway that I'm anything but, but so what? Anyhow, I told Flipit that I wanted a show that had some kind of gay element to it...

..."Wait... there's a gay element to this show??!?... Eww!!!"...

And so here we are, in the land of psuedo-porn queens Erica and Victoria Mongeon, a.k.a. Rikki and Vikki, "The Ikki Twins", both of whom claim to be bisexual (under certain circumstances, I'm sure... such as non-sobriety) and who are ready to take A Double Shot At Love... and where better to find true love than on a reality MTV show, right? Hey, it worked for Tila Tequila... sorta... okay, not really, but that doesn't mean it won't work for our Twinsies... so, let's take a hard look (pun intended if you're a turgid boy teen watching this show) at how much fake-lesbianism can be exploited after the jump, a'ight?

Woo-hoo! It's almost Christmas Time, and Santa sure came early for a certain fat gayboy in the Desert this year! I'm guessing that he did that creepy voyeurism thing he does (like how "he knows when you are slee-ping, he knows when you're a-wake, he knows when you wear fuck-me-pumps and a thong for goodness' sake!") and saw me enveloped in the Holiday Spirit (it was in my eggnog) and writing my Christmas Cards while watching MTV this last Tuesday night, and he blessed me with the little gift that was our girl BullNicky getting whopped in the face with a balloon filled with pea soup (a la Exorcist)...

...something tells me Nicky's had far worse things all over her face...

...ahh yes, there was much drama and hijinks (as well as homophobia and inflatable furniture!) during this jam-packed episode of Double Shot At Love and the back-stabbing and under-the-bus-throwing is already starting to make everyone paranoid... and screamy... and cry-ey... Let's pour some alcohol on this rotten old fruit of a recap after the jump!...

Hey everybody! I hope you all had a great Christmas and that Santa Claus brought you that extra special gift you were looking for. I must have pissed him off big time this year, because he delivered 14 people directly to my house for Christmas Dinner, and my nieces and nephew decided to play Let's See Who Can Scare The Kitties Into Puking First. They also ate all of my goddamn Holiday M&Ms. I had to console myself with beer and Christmas Cookies (the kind that have those hard little silver balls on them that crack your teeth) and eventually I felt sufficiently snowplowed enough to bring myself to watch this week's episode of Top Chef...

...where they were apparently making Deep Fried Sex Dolls...

...but then I remembered that that's not my show, and I realized I was actually watching Double Shot At Love, where men are men, and some of the women wish they were, too. Pull up a plate of reheated Christmas Ham & Cheesy 'Tatoes and let's pig out together before New Year's Resolutions reduce us to cottage cheese and celery sticks, K?

Greetings from the First Day of 2009 beloved Gasmii! I hope y'all partied and bullshitted all night long, hopefully to the point where you woke up this morning minus your underwear and with unexplained bite marks. You better get some disinfectant on those right away. As for me and the BF, well, we stayed in and watched reruns of "Dynasty" on DVD, shared a sweet kiss at midnight (while Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest battled that little bitch Miley Cyrus for screen time) and then I popped in what at first I took to be an X-rated film...

...Chub-In-Training did Bukkake movies?...

...but then I realized it was just a new episode of Double Shot At Love (so it's really only soft-core porn) and that Chubbsy Scott apparently has no qualms about appearing on TV covered in what looks like rancid seminal fluid. If he was dislikable before, he becomes even more so tonight, not to mention he decides to give the Ikki Twins a truly stupid ultimatum. Oh, and Gay Nick makes everybody (including himself) cry. Be sure to grab a sex-towel and some liquid-sanitizer, because you're going to feel pretty dirty and disgusted after you see what this episode has in store after the jump...

Ohhh, my dear sweet 'Gasmii, what a week this has been... My day job is treating me like a stiffened sex-kleenex (as in, they really don't want to even acknowledge that I'm on the floor... but they're not above trying to use me to clean up some tacky mess that someone else left behind), my house is a mess from Christmas AfterBirth (the BF is too hard at work watching Food Network to help me clean up the placenta of wrapping papers, boxes and credit card receipts dotting the floor), and I still have no idea what to get the big lug for his birthday (how about a Swiffer / Shamwow combo? Too subtle?)... It's a damned good thing I have the ability to restrain urges like this...

...what I'd like to do to white boys who make silly gangsta poses...

...so I must say that I'm grateful to have the fabulous Double Shot At Love to take my frustrations out on (thanks Flipit!). No matter how irritated and insane I feel at the end of the day, I know that I can come home, turn on MTV and feel grateful that I'm not on this stupid show with these stupid people being forced to do stupid things... and tonight's show is, quite possibly, the stupidest one yet (I think I've actually come down with TMJ from all the jaw-dropping moments in this episode alone) and if you're at all like me, you're gonna be pissed at how it turns out! By the way, make sure you finish eating dinner before you make the jump. Don't say I didn't warn you...

Hello again to my favorite peoples, and Happy Obama Day! I'm so sorry about the delay on this recap, the American Idol show was a bit of a bitch to finish (I love the new software, but I had a few issues) and after all the wackiness over there on FOX I had to pull back and regroup before I could dive back into the pool of MTV sludge infested by Ikkis. Anyhow, you know how when you've just started seeing someone, and you finally take that huge step where you "bring them home to Mom" for the first time? Well, tonight our Ikkitestants take that same exact step and trot out Rix'n'Vix for their families to meet'n'greet...

...and Chub-In-Training gets to live out one of his wettest dreams...

...for realsies, if I had walked in to my family's house with two boobsy blonde bimboes bearing booze, my mom and dad would have probably been overjoyed (right up until the point where I told them I had become a fashion stylist/makeup artist and these two were my latest project). However, on tonight's episode of Double Shot At Love not everyone is going to be so glad to see their child's pornographic fantasies sashaying through their living room, plunking themselves down on the family sofa and introducing themselves as possible (temporary) daughters-in-law. Let's see who comes from which families (Stepford or Stone) after the jump!

Greetings 'Gasmii! I just got back from Los Angeles where I spent the weekend celebrating the BF's birthday with lots of good food (we had an insanely expensive but orgasmic meal at Lawry's The Prime Rib) and entertainment (we screened the classic disaster-flick "The Towering Inferno" to see O.J. Simpson's amazing afro) and I wondered if I might be able to somehow find the IkkMansion in the Hollywood Hills... and throw rocks at it. However, this week's show spent very little time there, as the Ikkitestants were whisked away to fabulous Las Vegas so they could get stupidrunk in an even tackier environment than usual...

...and have a blowjobfaceoff apparently...

I have to say, I absolutely love me some Las Vegas! I truly do. All the glitz and glitter and glamour and any other word that starts with "G" that you can think of (even words like "gorgeous" and "gaudy" and "grotesque"). Love it. And on this week's episode of Double Shot At Love we pretty much get none of that because this show's thong-string budget could only put them up at the Hard Rock Hotel (and jeez, I never thought I'd say this, but Planet Hollywood is way cooler looking) but as always, I will soldier on. Come join me for some suckage after the jump!

Hello again from J-Moville! Well, we're coming down to the end of this sensitive and heartfelt portrayal of young people looking for love, and it appears that MTV has been edging during the fuckfest all this time, because tonight they spewed two and a half hours of Ikkiness all over my television screen! I never thought that I would look at a reunion show like Real Housewives Of Atlanta and think "Now there are some people with class..." but that was before I was witness to tonight's convention of ditzes and douchebags that devolved into this...

...BullNicky gets to live out the fantasy I've had all season long...

It'd be trite to call it "Springer-esque" so let's just say it reminded me of that Geraldo show where he got his face busted by flying chairs. On tonight's initial episode of Double Shot At Love (inaptly subtitled "Happy Hour"... none of these people are even remotely happy) we get to check back in with most of the cast of reality show losers former Ikkitestants and see if any of them have discovered how to behave like humans. To paraphrase Bette Davis in "All About Eve"... fasten your couchbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night...

About 10 years ago (when I still lived in L.A.) I was home in Phoenix and out clubbing with some friends when I met a great big corn-fed bubba from Kentucky who was also visiting the desert. I was instantly smitten with this Magic Mountain of a Man (big southern boys are a weakness of mine) and we danced, made out and exchanged email addresses and phone numbers. Within two months we rendezvoused several more times and had fallen deeply in love with one another. I thought about him all the time, we talked on the phone for hours and the sex was so incredible I thought I had died and gone to Gay Porn Heaven™. The only problem was, I was already in a relationship with a man that I'd spent a third of my life with, someone I still cared deeply for, and yes, was still head-over-heels in love with as well. I lived this insanity for 18 months and finally one day I completely lost my shit and came clean with my longtime BF, who (of course) already knew about the affair, and we decided it would be best if we split up. I moved back home to Phoenix, saddened by the loss of someone I'd had in my life for 11 years, but hopeful for the future. Six months later, my Bubba from Kentucky unceremoniously and cruelly dumped me. I literally felt like I was dying, and could not believe that I had risked everything for love, and wound up completely empty-handed. It was truly the most horrific and painful time I had ever suffered in my entire life... that is, until I began writing about the Ikki Twins...

...and their tacky tinfoil disco-ball wardrobe...

...and now I know what real soul-destroying pain is like: It wears super-short and tight dresses, says "like" every other word, cries a lot over nothing, is insufferably conceited, it's hair never looks clean, it's as dumb as pudding, and it has it's own MTV show... Demon, Thy name is Erica and Victoria Mondreon and this is the finale of A Double Shot At Love! I'm begging you, 'Gasmii, please don't abandon me after the jump... I'm scared and I'm going to need a hug (and possibly CPR) when this is all over...

Are you there, God? It's me, J-Mo. Normally I don't bother You too much, because most of the time I'm just down here on this little planet of ours, living my life, trying to be kind to others (when not recapping), working my job, loving my BF and having a fabulous night of dancing for drag queens here and there (as well as doing my best to avoid getting the living shit knocked out of me by some of Your more zealous followers). Anyhow, I just wanted to ask You for a small favor. Can you please make it so that there is never again another season of this show? Ever? Under any circumstances? Pretty please?...

...and BTW, have I thanked You enough yet for this image?...

...how sad that Vikki shoving Rikki off a chair was the highlight of this season. I know that You have a lot on Your plate right now, what with the Global Economy in shambles and wars in the Middle East and Kanye West in such desperate need to receive awards and all (he's in dire need of Your help with his hair, that's for sure... that shit on the Grammys last night was a Cry For Divine Styling Intervention™ if I've ever seen one, I'm afraid if You don't step in at some point he's going to wind up trotting the Jhericurl out again) but please know that I am not asking this just for myself... I'm asking it for the good of humanity that no one be subjected to A Double Shot At Love ever again. Except for this last placental half-hour wrap-up that was aptly subtitled "One Shot Too Many". I'm sure You'll understand what I mean after the jump... love, J-Mo :)