Double Shot At Love: New Definitions Of "Hooking Up"

Woo-hoo! It's almost Christmas Time, and Santa sure came early for a certain fat gayboy in the Desert this year! I'm guessing that he did that creepy voyeurism thing he does (like how "he knows when you are slee-ping, he knows when you're a-wake, he knows when you wear fuck-me-pumps and a thong for goodness' sake!") and saw me enveloped in the Holiday Spirit (it was in my eggnog) and writing my Christmas Cards while watching MTV this last Tuesday night, and he blessed me with the little gift that was our girl BullNicky getting whopped in the face with a balloon filled with pea soup (a la Exorcist)...

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...something tells me Nicky's had far worse things all over her face...

...ahh yes, there was much drama and hijinks (as well as homophobia and inflatable furniture!) during this jam-packed episode of Double Shot At Love and the back-stabbing and under-the-bus-throwing is already starting to make everyone paranoid... and screamy... and cry-ey... Let's pour some alcohol on this rotten old fruit of a recap after the jump!...

Tonight's episode begins with a lame extended remix of the Ikki Twinsies' "dramatic" reveal of their Big Secret, featuring "never before seen footage" (mostly consisting of Chub-In-Training Scott whining "Why does she have to have a secret, she's so hot, like, why can't she just be normal?") and the inevitable tidal wave of blowjobface reactions...

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...sorry fellas, she's gay...

Vanilla Kali thinks the sitch is "a lesbian's dream come true". Funny, most lesbians I know dream of being able to get married (oh, and ride their Harleys down the aisle). Not to be outdone, our Chub-In-Training Scott thinks "these Ikki Twins are amazing.... Ikki Ikki, wanna stick-ee!" I'm surprised he didn't add "with my dick-ee!" and a great big beer-burp to the end of that little tidbit. On the other hand, Unemployed Ben seems terrified at the thought of having to "handle" the Twins, and admits he probably couldn't...

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...strangely, I think I agree with him...

Never mind Ben's performance issues, it's time for the pool party! There's a gorgeous pool to lounge in, pool toys to play with, a surfboard-esque bull-ride... and of course, a bar with akamahol! Rix'N'Vix are feeling so much better now that their Big Secret is out... and relieved that nobody is mad that they were so cruelly tricked. Duh, you bitches just increased everyone's Wet Dream Factor™ by about 2000, like they're gonna be pissed about it...

Drag Queen Kandi is just amazed by the hot genetic wonder being paraded in front of her, exclaiming "Dude, that's awesome, because y'all really do look identical!" Gee, does wearing the exact same bikini and having the exact same hairstyling and makeup help that at all? Vikki is quick to point out that Rikki is the older one (by mere seconds) and that you can tell because "she's got more wrinkles and shit!"...

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...pretty soon you'll be able to tell which one is Vikki by the large and angry red hand print on the side of her face...

DQ Kandi disagrees, she can tell them apart because Rikki has more freckles... Kandi says that being a makeup artist she has to learn that kind of stuff and is proud of her powers of observation (of course, said freckles are all over Rikki's chest, so perhaps that might explain why Kandi spotted them so easily). I had no idea makeup artists even noticed freckles, mostly because, you know, they spend so much time covering them up...

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...damn good thing you do, Ru!...

Actually all of the girls seem to be taking smug satisfaction in their innate shared ability to Tell Twins Apart, and Stripperista RoseMarie asserts that "The guys will definitely not know, 'cuz they're fuckin' retarded!" Normally I would argue that point (not that the guys aren't retarded, because they are, but because the girls are just as stupid and airheaded, and most of them, save Kandi, prolly couldn't really tell Rikki and Vikki apart, either) but then we cut to Unemployed Ben playing on the Mechanical Surfboard and being a total dinkwad...

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...*sigh*... the defense rests, your honor...

Big Ball Paul (The Amazing And Magical Software Engineer) also proves the Male Cluelessness Theory™ when he incorrectly guesses that last night he was talking with Vikki (pretending to be Rikki) when, in fact, he was actually talking to Rikki (pretending to be bisexual)! Vikki interviews that the guys need to "step up their game" in telling the two apart. Um, wasn't that the point of the whole "Ooooh, we're being super-tricksy and pretending to be just one hot girl!" thing? Jeez, wear a fucking name tag if it bothers you that much.

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Comments (14)

goosegg1001:

Your tree is fabulous! Especially with the Barbie topper.

I wish we got to see more of Kandi, she had to have done something!!

And wow, I think I hate each and every one of the boys.

I enjoyed your paragraph about how stupid the argument is that being gay is a choice. Im not gay, but I think its plain to see that its not a whole bundle of fun coming out.

Great recap J-mo. Happy holidays!

itchy:

Only on page two so far, but have to jump in before it leaks out of my brain:

"and you just know that in Scott's mind he looks just like Matt!..."

to which I reply: and you just know that in MATT's mind, he looks just like Scott!

Also, it's pretty easy to tell the twins apart: one has bigger tits and straighter nose (possible surgical intervention).

Although I don't know which one that is, nor do I care.

itchy:

Great recap, J-mo...laughed the whole way through!

In the disco-club guy's defense, initially he seemed to not all that into it, then it looked like Stripparella was giving him a handjob...at which point he could legitimately plead an insanity defense, since it's unlikely he knew what was going on at that point in time.

Didn't they say that next week they're eliminating FIVE people? I thought Tila Tequila's shows had the smallest production budgets ever...I think we're hitting a new record here.

shantigal:

I love your Barbie Angel, well I love Barbie in general. And a disco tree? Awesome. I still have my 1978 Disco Christmas album by the Sal Soul Orchestra-you must get it.

My sides hurt a little from laughing. If you weren't so darn creative, you could knock off a paragraph or two by eliminating those trade mark symbols. Have a wonderful Holiday, peace.

fire@will:

Merry Happy, J-Mo!

I don't mind the long recaps - I save time by not watching the show.

I suspect Kandi was edited out after her tragic accident, either out of compassion or advice from the legal department (you decide).

All the men sound like losers.

I've been single and married (twice - to different women). The best argument FOR gay marriage is "why shouldn't THEY have to suffer, too"? (I'm just saying - be careful what you wish for!)

BTW - Your tree is MUCH nicer than the one I drew on the wall of my condo!

kizarny:

Your tree is gorgeous! Merry Christmas

yentapatrol:

J-mo Darling,
Reading your recap was a wonderful treat in the middle of this horrible blizzard. And I totally loved the video of your tree. I so wish Bravo would do a "Life of J-Mo" reality show.

It would be so awesome if you covered the Ru-Paul show. Just a thought : )

Hugs for the new year and prayers that prop 8 gets shot down!!

Yenta

aman:

I was watching the show today and I think the Vikki looks like Haylie Duff! I mean, they both look like Haylie since they are twins, but Vikki more so.

Also, when Stripperella was yelling on the table and Xoe, my sister and I debated what she was saying...skank-boss? skank-bot? skank-box? No matter what it was, they are all potentially hilarious insults.

Love you J-Mo!

DrJerkass:

J-Mo, that's one of the gayest Christmas trees I've ever seen (that's a total compliment).

I'm glad you're back recapping because even a clapfest like this show sounds better when you tear holes thru it.

Merry Christmas everyone!

J-Mo:

goosegg1001... Awww, thanks for the tree compliments! I agree, Barbie always makes everything better! It's too bad she can't make there be more Kandi footage, and I agree, the boys are all a bunch of tools. Happy Holidays!

itchy... thanks as always for sticking with me, glad you got some chuckles! It's funny that you mention Stripperista giving Club Kid Josh a handjob, because later on I could see HIS hand underneath the blankie suspiciously close to her crotch area, and there was some back-and-forth motion going there, too, made me wonder if he was letting his fingers do the walking...? Plus, I must have missed the "five people elimination" thing, but I wouldn't be shocked, there are just way too many assholes to keep around, and not enough lovemates!

shantigal... Ooooh, I looooove the Sal-Soul Orchestra, "Runaway" is one of my favoritest songs of all time! I will look for that disco record for sure! Have a lovely Holiday™! :)

fire@will... Joyful Mirthies! Glad to help out by watching and regurgitating for you guys (as always). You are correct, MTV's editors decided to edit out Kandice's more crazy actions out of respect to her family, but her mom went on record saying she wanted all of it to be shown, because that's how Kandice was. Now I'm all curious and I wish we could see whatever it was that got her kicked off, if only so it would, you know, make sense... and truth be told, I'm not personally in an all-fired hurry to run out and get married, the BF and I have no problems being in love without a piece of paper (and I cracked up at your "Why shouldn't THEY suffer, too?" argument, cuz that's kinda my thinking as well...) but I don't like someone telling me I can't do something for no other reason than they want to be mean, and in my view that's pretty much what Prop 8 and other anti-gay-marriage legislation boils down to (I believe it's not the fact of two guys (or girls) being married that bothers people as much as the idea of two guys (or girls) being married that causes people to get panicky and want to pass laws against something that would not affect them in the slightest). End of rant. Oh, and BTW, my BF and I both had a major giggle over the Xmas tree drawn on your condo wall... if this economy crap keeps up, I might just do that next year instead... love to you!

kizarny... your comment is gorgeous! Thank you and Merry Christmas!

yentapatrol... Whooo, sorry 'bout the blizzard, glad I could keep you company in a limited fashion... I have propositioned Bravo for my own reality TV show (to the point where they now have a restraining order out against me) but so far no dice, but thanks for the promised viewership if it ever DID happen, that's so sweet! And I had considered trying the RuPaul show, but it's on Logo, and hardly anybody watches Logo (even *I* am hard pressed to watch it sometimes) and everybody watches MTV... this way I can usually get more than 2 comments on my recaps! *grin* Happy Hanukkah!

aman... Ooooh, I didn't even think of "skank boss" or "skank-bot"! Or "stank-box" would be good, too! I will keep that in mind, and love to you, too!

DrJerkAss... Why, thank you! Compliment taken! I'm glad you're liking this hot pile of holey poo-stained panties, you're right, it's easy to make fun of, and that's the best Christmas Gift I can possibly give people (except for cash)... Merry Christmas to you, too!

love to all you guys, thanks for taking time to chat!

love, J-Mo :)

waffleboy09:

Great recap J-Mo. This show makes me want to steal a spay and neuter truck and drive to socal right now.
Hey what was up with James Masshat's job title? Is a Boston Wall street sales rep a desperate attempt to make local investment counsolor sound extra classy? What kind of sound financial advice could you expect from this slack jawed mouth breather, and just who would take it?
I picture some nice Bostonian who's been referred to as Sully since the womb saying; "My Wall Street Sales rep is James Masshat, and thanks to him I got completely out of dildos because penises are thurty times better. It's like wicked science." Of course I also picture this guy converting his 401k into a bulk purchase of top ramen.
Anyway it was nice to see Jimbo get the heave-ho and head back to one of the only two states in the country where gay marriage is legal. Sadly they haven't gotten around to those canine marriages yet, which means Masshat and his cocker spaniel will have to keep living in sin.
Anyway keep the great recaps coming and happy holidays

Snootchy Bootches:

J-Mo, I LURRRRVE the tree! Eddie FunkyFingeRoss would call it delish and gorge, but I'll just call it scrump! ;P

I also noticed the movement under the covers around her groin area and thought that he was strumming her guitar. I didn't notice any movement around him though. One question, does anyone really care about any of these douchebags (male and female) on this show? Usually at the beginning I have a couple of people that I think are cool or whatever. Later, of course, I settle into my faves. But this season... eh. I think the only one I kinda like has no shot because he is gay.

Anyway, have a great holiday everyone!

itchy:

No, Snooty, the Shot of Love shows are sort of like fish tanks at a restaurant...you're just supposed to gape at the idiots while waiting for your dinner.

Which is usually in the fish tank.

Of course, some people can get emotionally attached to anything.

pixielated:

waffleboy, I think Masshat's job title just means that he has never figured out that Wall Street is not in Boston.

That Top Ramen idea isn't bad. I mean, it'd probably be a good idea to buy stock in Top Ramen, with the way the economy's going. Maybe Spam, too.

I think there is hope for some of these girls, maybe even the Ikkis themselves, to become lesbians. If I were around that group of guys for long, women would start to look better and better to me.

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