However, since the guys have an extra team member, someone is going to have to sit this one out. The boys waste no time in fingering Unemployed Ben to be their lone cheerleader, and he is left on the sidelines saying "It feels like high-school all over again..." Awww, poor Ben. He doesn't realize most of these people are still at high-school maturity level. An unexpected bonus of this decision is that Ben gets to sit with the Twinz, so technically he kinda wins the challenge without having to play the lame game everyone else has to. Niiiice! Geek Victory!
So who do the boys pick to guard their bed? Easy! Their most massive fella (although not in the way he thinks, obviously) Chub-In-Training Scott!...
...don't you love how he holds his arms out the way truly buff guys do when their laterals are so massive they (pretend they) can't put their arms down?...
My guess is that Scott's laterals have a nice layer of butter and extra mayo on them (much like my own) but he's shadowboxing and taking his responsibility as Protector Of The Bed™ very seriously.
Hmmmm, I'll give you one guess who the girls picked to guard their bed! Nope, not Kandi's boobs (although that would have been a smart choice) but Our Lady Of Extreme Androgyny, BullNicky! She's quite proud to take charge and order the other girls to ferry her chunky ass around. And the five-minute game begins!...
Cue the heavy chugging electric guitars as the two teams start lobbing paint-bombs over the middle curtain that's blocking their view of where the beds actually are (the producers have helpfully added in whistling falling-bomb sounds in case you didn't get it that they're supposed to be, you know, bombs). If any of these kids had been smart, they might have figured out it was better to keep quiet, stay close to the curtain and let the other team chuck the balloons safely over their bed. However, with this mouthy bunch that's just not a possibility. Masshole James says his strategy was to "listen to theah 'lisbian-like shrieks'" and aim based on that. Ha! Shows how little he knows about gay people... homo boys are the ones who shriek, while the lesbians tend to roar and growl! Still, it's good enough that James appears to be the one who beans BullNicky on the noggin...
...Soilent Green?...
The girls' bed looks like it came from the Incontinence Wing of Smelly Acres Retirement Home, the boys appear to have done a pretty good job at nailing it, and things look grim for our Lesbianas... but Barfly Rebekah has started to pick up the unexploded balloons and smartly punctures them a little before tossing them over the curtain, creating a much wider spray of paint to pelt down on the boys and their bed!
With a minute-thirty left, the boys appear to be out of ammo, and suddenly (and quite inexplicably) Chub-In-Training Scott grabs hold of one of the bed-pillows and hurls it over the curtain into a big pukey puddle of paint! The girls immediately call for a disqualification! By now Scott has grabbed the sheet and tossed it over as well ("Ohhh, that wasn't smart!" observes one of the Twins). The game is stopped. C.I.T. Scott bellows "I think we won!" and is hi-fiving and dapping his fellow dudes.
"Love has no rules," declares Vikki, "but this game did... Guys, you broke 'em, so you're disqualified!" The girls are, of course, ecstatic (now they're shrieking) because they win extra time with the Ikkis while the boys have to stay down in the paint pond they've just made.
The girls all head off to the hot-tub, where Barfly 'Bekah makes a toast and a wish that Chubbsy Scotty be kept around as long as possible because his sheer moronic stupidity will ensure that the girls win every competition! Sadly, they might be right, and back over in BoysTown, Unemployed Ben is taking his life in his hands by questioning how Scotty could have been so dumb as to misunderstand such simple rules, "That's like starting off the competition and chucking the bed into the woods, and being like 'Ah, fuck it, we'll just stand here!'" The other guys are standing around looking pissed off, and Scott doesn't look much better...
...bit of a mouth-breather, ain't he?...
Feeling like a huge slimy paint-covered dickbag, Scott explodes in Ben's face, "You're an asshole and I'll throw you over the fucking fence!" Nice try, Scott, but you can't blame the guy that you all insisted not play for your being a dipshit, K?
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Comments (14)
Your tree is fabulous! Especially with the Barbie topper.
I wish we got to see more of Kandi, she had to have done something!!
And wow, I think I hate each and every one of the boys.
I enjoyed your paragraph about how stupid the argument is that being gay is a choice. Im not gay, but I think its plain to see that its not a whole bundle of fun coming out.
Great recap J-mo. Happy holidays!
1 of 14 | Posted by goosegg1001 | Posted on December 20, 2008 11:00 PM
Only on page two so far, but have to jump in before it leaks out of my brain:
"and you just know that in Scott's mind he looks just like Matt!..."
to which I reply: and you just know that in MATT's mind, he looks just like Scott!
Also, it's pretty easy to tell the twins apart: one has bigger tits and straighter nose (possible surgical intervention).
Although I don't know which one that is, nor do I care.
2 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 21, 2008 12:19 AM
Great recap, J-mo...laughed the whole way through!
In the disco-club guy's defense, initially he seemed to not all that into it, then it looked like Stripparella was giving him a handjob...at which point he could legitimately plead an insanity defense, since it's unlikely he knew what was going on at that point in time.
Didn't they say that next week they're eliminating FIVE people? I thought Tila Tequila's shows had the smallest production budgets ever...I think we're hitting a new record here.
3 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 21, 2008 1:51 AM
I love your Barbie Angel, well I love Barbie in general. And a disco tree? Awesome. I still have my 1978 Disco Christmas album by the Sal Soul Orchestra-you must get it.
My sides hurt a little from laughing. If you weren't so darn creative, you could knock off a paragraph or two by eliminating those trade mark symbols. Have a wonderful Holiday, peace.
4 of 14 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 21, 2008 9:18 AM
Merry Happy, J-Mo!
I don't mind the long recaps - I save time by not watching the show.
I suspect Kandi was edited out after her tragic accident, either out of compassion or advice from the legal department (you decide).
All the men sound like losers.
I've been single and married (twice - to different women). The best argument FOR gay marriage is "why shouldn't THEY have to suffer, too"? (I'm just saying - be careful what you wish for!)
BTW - Your tree is MUCH nicer than the one I drew on the wall of my condo!
5 of 14 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 21, 2008 11:16 AM
Your tree is gorgeous! Merry Christmas
6 of 14 | Posted by kizarny | Posted on December 21, 2008 12:36 PM
J-mo Darling,
Reading your recap was a wonderful treat in the middle of this horrible blizzard. And I totally loved the video of your tree. I so wish Bravo would do a "Life of J-Mo" reality show.
It would be so awesome if you covered the Ru-Paul show. Just a thought : )
Hugs for the new year and prayers that prop 8 gets shot down!!
Yenta
7 of 14 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on December 21, 2008 2:27 PM
I was watching the show today and I think the Vikki looks like Haylie Duff! I mean, they both look like Haylie since they are twins, but Vikki more so.
Also, when Stripperella was yelling on the table and Xoe, my sister and I debated what she was saying...skank-boss? skank-bot? skank-box? No matter what it was, they are all potentially hilarious insults.
Love you J-Mo!
8 of 14 | Posted by aman | Posted on December 21, 2008 6:15 PM
J-Mo, that's one of the gayest Christmas trees I've ever seen (that's a total compliment).
I'm glad you're back recapping because even a clapfest like this show sounds better when you tear holes thru it.
Merry Christmas everyone!
9 of 14 | Posted by DrJerkass | Posted on December 22, 2008 6:17 AM
goosegg1001... Awww, thanks for the tree compliments! I agree, Barbie always makes everything better! It's too bad she can't make there be more Kandi footage, and I agree, the boys are all a bunch of tools. Happy Holidays!
itchy... thanks as always for sticking with me, glad you got some chuckles! It's funny that you mention Stripperista giving Club Kid Josh a handjob, because later on I could see HIS hand underneath the blankie suspiciously close to her crotch area, and there was some back-and-forth motion going there, too, made me wonder if he was letting his fingers do the walking...? Plus, I must have missed the "five people elimination" thing, but I wouldn't be shocked, there are just way too many assholes to keep around, and not enough lovemates!
shantigal... Ooooh, I looooove the Sal-Soul Orchestra, "Runaway" is one of my favoritest songs of all time! I will look for that disco record for sure! Have a lovely Holiday™! :)
fire@will... Joyful Mirthies! Glad to help out by watching and regurgitating for you guys (as always). You are correct, MTV's editors decided to edit out Kandice's more crazy actions out of respect to her family, but her mom went on record saying she wanted all of it to be shown, because that's how Kandice was. Now I'm all curious and I wish we could see whatever it was that got her kicked off, if only so it would, you know, make sense... and truth be told, I'm not personally in an all-fired hurry to run out and get married, the BF and I have no problems being in love without a piece of paper (and I cracked up at your "Why shouldn't THEY suffer, too?" argument, cuz that's kinda my thinking as well...) but I don't like someone telling me I can't do something for no other reason than they want to be mean, and in my view that's pretty much what Prop 8 and other anti-gay-marriage legislation boils down to (I believe it's not the fact of two guys (or girls) being married that bothers people as much as the idea of two guys (or girls) being married that causes people to get panicky and want to pass laws against something that would not affect them in the slightest). End of rant. Oh, and BTW, my BF and I both had a major giggle over the Xmas tree drawn on your condo wall... if this economy crap keeps up, I might just do that next year instead... love to you!
kizarny... your comment is gorgeous! Thank you and Merry Christmas!
yentapatrol... Whooo, sorry 'bout the blizzard, glad I could keep you company in a limited fashion... I have propositioned Bravo for my own reality TV show (to the point where they now have a restraining order out against me) but so far no dice, but thanks for the promised viewership if it ever DID happen, that's so sweet! And I had considered trying the RuPaul show, but it's on Logo, and hardly anybody watches Logo (even *I* am hard pressed to watch it sometimes) and everybody watches MTV... this way I can usually get more than 2 comments on my recaps! *grin* Happy Hanukkah!
aman... Ooooh, I didn't even think of "skank boss" or "skank-bot"! Or "stank-box" would be good, too! I will keep that in mind, and love to you, too!
DrJerkAss... Why, thank you! Compliment taken! I'm glad you're liking this hot pile of holey poo-stained panties, you're right, it's easy to make fun of, and that's the best Christmas Gift I can possibly give people (except for cash)... Merry Christmas to you, too!
love to all you guys, thanks for taking time to chat!
love, J-Mo :)
10 of 14 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on December 22, 2008 2:53 PM
Great recap J-Mo. This show makes me want to steal a spay and neuter truck and drive to socal right now.
Hey what was up with James Masshat's job title? Is a Boston Wall street sales rep a desperate attempt to make local investment counsolor sound extra classy? What kind of sound financial advice could you expect from this slack jawed mouth breather, and just who would take it?
I picture some nice Bostonian who's been referred to as Sully since the womb saying; "My Wall Street Sales rep is James Masshat, and thanks to him I got completely out of dildos because penises are thurty times better. It's like wicked science." Of course I also picture this guy converting his 401k into a bulk purchase of top ramen.
Anyway it was nice to see Jimbo get the heave-ho and head back to one of the only two states in the country where gay marriage is legal. Sadly they haven't gotten around to those canine marriages yet, which means Masshat and his cocker spaniel will have to keep living in sin.
Anyway keep the great recaps coming and happy holidays
11 of 14 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on December 22, 2008 10:25 PM
J-Mo, I LURRRRVE the tree! Eddie FunkyFingeRoss would call it delish and gorge, but I'll just call it scrump! ;P
I also noticed the movement under the covers around her groin area and thought that he was strumming her guitar. I didn't notice any movement around him though. One question, does anyone really care about any of these douchebags (male and female) on this show? Usually at the beginning I have a couple of people that I think are cool or whatever. Later, of course, I settle into my faves. But this season... eh. I think the only one I kinda like has no shot because he is gay.
Anyway, have a great holiday everyone!
12 of 14 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 23, 2008 6:05 AM
No, Snooty, the Shot of Love shows are sort of like fish tanks at a restaurant...you're just supposed to gape at the idiots while waiting for your dinner.
Which is usually in the fish tank.
Of course, some people can get emotionally attached to anything.
13 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 23, 2008 6:53 AM
waffleboy, I think Masshat's job title just means that he has never figured out that Wall Street is not in Boston.
That Top Ramen idea isn't bad. I mean, it'd probably be a good idea to buy stock in Top Ramen, with the way the economy's going. Maybe Spam, too.
I think there is hope for some of these girls, maybe even the Ikkis themselves, to become lesbians. If I were around that group of guys for long, women would start to look better and better to me.
14 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 23, 2008 1:55 PM