Hey everybody! I hope you all had a great Christmas and that Santa Claus brought you that extra special gift you were looking for. I must have pissed him off big time this year, because he delivered 14 people directly to my house for Christmas Dinner, and my nieces and nephew decided to play Let's See Who Can Scare The Kitties Into Puking First. They also ate all of my goddamn Holiday M&Ms. I had to console myself with beer and Christmas Cookies (the kind that have those hard little silver balls on them that crack your teeth) and eventually I felt sufficiently snowplowed enough to bring myself to watch this week's episode of Top Chef...
...where they were apparently making Deep Fried Sex Dolls...
...but then I remembered that that's not my show, and I realized I was actually watching Double Shot At Love, where men are men, and some of the women wish they were, too. Pull up a plate of reheated Christmas Ham & Cheesy 'Tatoes and let's pig out together before New Year's Resolutions reduce us to cottage cheese and celery sticks, K?
The first few minutes of tonight's show is wasted on recapping the Twins' big reveal that they are, in fact, twins (yawn) and last week's super-serious drama involving Club Kid Josh and Stripperista RoseMarie kissing and/or possibly giving each other late-night finger-diddles (snore) as well as Gay Nick being all catty and gossipy and starting rumors about Barfly 'Bekah and Black-Eye Xoe being supersluts (redundant since they're on this show). The Ikkis also got rid of their one remaining African-American, leaving mostly Pretty White People for them to pick their soulless soul-mates from...
Chub-In-Training Scott starts off tonight's real show by insisting that he's there for "the right reasons" and that he's not "just here to have fun". He calls the idea "ridiculous" while wearing a woven-straw Flying Nun's cornette...
...hmmm, copy Ace from Real World Paris much, Chubbsy?...
He also likes to wear a doo-rag in the style of Tupac Shakur. Trés gangsta! Oh well, I guess when you've got as little imagination as Scotty does, stupid hats are your strongest suit, and I'm sure he believes this will help him "find love" with one of the Ikkis that he wants to stick-ee... (only he seems to think he can actually have both... Trés tool!)
Well, now that all the Ikkitestants have cleansed their hair of rum and vomit-chunks and found a reasonably fresh pair of undies, that's BullNicky's cue to find a "message in a bottle" from Rix'N'Vix! Everyone acts surprised and rushes into the curiously empty room where the message is, and BullNicky (whom I'm kinda liking, mostly because she can, you know, read) relates the message to the breathlessly anticipating room that it's time for a competition between the boys and the girls in the "3rd Annual Bi-Athlon". Whoa! They're going to make these kids cross-country ski and then shoot rifles?!?? Keep your ass down, Chub-In-Training! You might think wearing a Safety Orange™ doo-rag on your head will keep you safe, but that won't stop some of these other people from trying to pull a Dick Cheney on you...
...plus, it's not as if he's a teensy target, either...
I'm curious how this can be a "3rd Annual" event when this show has only been on for a year... nevertheless, they discover two trunks (one pink and one blue, natch) that are filled with the gym uniforms from 1976 that have somehow mysteriously come back into fashion again (Barfly mis-labels the onion-skin-style bottoms as "booty-shorts" but that's really only if you roll the waistband down ten times like she does) and after everyone is suited up they head outside to find Rikki & Vikki decked out in sexy referee costumes...
..."Yes, they sell these at Trashy Lingerie..."...
After welcoming them to the tradition that is the "Bi-Athlon" (with emphasis on the "Bi", hyuck hyuck hyuck) the Twinz explain that instead of skiing and shooting (boo) the contest is going to be boyz versus gyrlz, and the winners will receive a "fancy pool-side date tonight"! Chub-In-Training Scott is confident that his fellow penis-bearers' super-manly-men-ness is gonna win them said date. "We're stronger, we're faster, we're more athletic, we're men... there's no way we're gonna lose to these lesbians!" Yeah, except this crop of frilly frothy fembots isn't exactly representative of the lesbian world that I am most familiar with, the majority of which could easily bench-press Scotty without breaking a sweat...
...who do you think does security duty at Gay Pride??!?...
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Comments (11)
It's 3rd annual because there were already two Shots of Love before this one, and of course they had the bi(wink)athon and apparently it doesn't really matter which skanky fake bisexual ho you put on the show, even though I had the feeling that two previous Shots of Love were shown in the same year, which screws up the annual part, but, hey, who's thinkin' when it comes to the show.
They really scraped the bottom of the barrel this time.
Although Xoe actually seems to have some semblance of brains to her, if only enough to figure out the rest of these boobs.
1 of 11 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 31, 2008 9:39 AM
Much as I enjoy your recaps, Mr. J, I can't bring myself to actually watch the show...
Even so, I'm sure eyour descriptions of it and it's participants) are as accurate as they are funny.
May you have a great, safe and successful 2009!
2 of 11 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on December 31, 2008 11:00 AM
Awww, what a cutie you were! Even without the chocolate you looked good enough to kiss! *giggle*
Thanks for doing such a great job on recapping this train-wreck. That way I don't have to watch it! I do like the shots of the hot boys, but the drama can drive a person insane.
Great job on the recap - keep 'em coming.
Lots O' Love
3 of 11 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on December 31, 2008 5:02 PM
J-Mo, in regards to your question "Could Chubbsy Scott be any bigger of a dickface to everyone?" You know what? I'm going to go with yes for this one. I see no real ceiling for this clown's dickfacishness. (What? What do you mean that's not a real word? When the hell did this turn into scrable?)
Great recap, keep them coming.
4 of 11 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on December 31, 2008 5:12 PM
I actually like this show, gasp, what a surprise. But I hope they have a reunion special, bc it's always the loudest and craziest show of them all. It's funny to see contestants like Josh or Rosemarie continue on, when the audience at home knows how truly fake they are. For the record, any person who can go on a show and proclaim to find love is a tool and fake, but they take it to a whole new level with their make out sessions, in a bed, caught on tape.
5 of 11 | Posted by soft flesh | Posted on December 31, 2008 7:46 PM
I'm willing to go on the record and say that I like Nick. I think he got himself into some situations where he was misunderstood and couldn't crawl out of that hole. But I think if he could wipe the slate clean, he would be a cool guy. And does anyone else think he looks like Jimmy Fallon?
Back in the day, I knew 500 frat guys exactly like Scott. They were so used to being a big fish in a small pond that they didn't realize that pudgy dickfaces don't usually get the girl in the real world.
6 of 11 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 1, 2009 6:12 AM
God I hate Scott. And first aid equipment sales? What the hell is that? Does that mean he works as a cashier at Walgreen's? I mean, they DO sell first aid kits there.
7 of 11 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on January 1, 2009 9:32 AM
i knew i saw matt on those other reality shows. thanks for pointing it out. if you close your eyes and listen to these two ikki skanks they sound just like tila tequila. is this an accent that is manufactured by the porn industry, all throaty and lame. and trevor is going to be a god when he gets home. he gets all the action. he is, like, totally stoked dude. and one more thing, i almost can't watch this, but i still can't turn away, so i just record it and fast forward through anything the ikki twins say.
8 of 11 | Posted by smaile | Posted on January 1, 2009 7:54 PM
itchy... you are right, there were two other seasons of this show where they did bi-athlons, what tripped ME up was the use of the word "annual" (season 1 premiered in October of 2007, so it's barely been 14 months)... perhaps they should have used the word "anal" instead? I also share your Xoe-lovin'! Thanks!
fire@will... I don't blame you for not watching, it's even hard for ME sometimes (and I HAFTA watch it) but thanks for the kind compliments, hope you have a great 2009 as well!
arizonatom... awww, thanks for the baby-picture love, you're sweet! I know some of you gays are reading these, so I try to include some eye-candy for ya as well!
waffleboy09... I think you're totally right, I bet Scott knows no limitations on being a versatile (yet useless) tool. I love your scrabble word! Thanks!
soft flesh... I, too, am excited for a reunion show, you're right, they're always filled with drama, and I agree that Josh and RoseMarie are mighty stupid to think they could get away with their antics... they must think "Night Vision™" refers to BluBlocker sunglasses or something...
Snootchy Bootches... you know, I kid Gay Nick a lot, and I'm willing to concede that he's probably a nice guy, but he sure made a dumb mistake when he started shit-stirring, and he's absolutely no good at talking to people (and now I totally see the Jimmy Fallon resemblance!). And wow, 500 guys exactly like Scott? Did you go to Arizona State? That must have been hellish to deal with! Love to you!
andreak1013... I'm totally on board with you hating Scott, and yeah, I don't get what "First Aid Equipment Sales" means, either... maybe he sells Ace Bandages?
smaile... I find it interesting what you say about how the Ikkis and Tila Tequila talk the same way... my guess is that they think Porn-Voice™ is super-sexy and makes them even hotter. The only thing worse (in my opinion) is when sex-goddesses use baby-talk. I think you've picked our winner out (Gnarly Trevor) of the pack, he seems to be the only one who is successful with the Ikkis.
Thanks for all your awesome comments and sweet Ikki-free love, guys!
love, J-Mo :)
9 of 11 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on January 3, 2009 12:55 PM
Haha! No but I went to University of Arizona!!
"UofA Party School... best 9 or 10 years of my life"
(And so no one things my education was lacking. My other degree is from Syracuse University.) :p
10 of 11 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 3, 2009 2:01 PM
Forgot to mention: And I partied with many a frat boy from ASU when my UofA sorority would have a social with them.
11 of 11 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 3, 2009 2:03 PM