Greetings from the First Day of 2009 beloved Gasmii! I hope y'all partied and bullshitted all night long, hopefully to the point where you woke up this morning minus your underwear and with unexplained bite marks. You better get some disinfectant on those right away. As for me and the BF, well, we stayed in and watched reruns of "Dynasty" on DVD, shared a sweet kiss at midnight (while Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest battled that little bitch Miley Cyrus for screen time) and then I popped in what at first I took to be an X-rated film...
...Chub-In-Training did Bukkake movies?...
...but then I realized it was just a new episode of Double Shot At Love (so it's really only soft-core porn) and that Chubbsy Scott apparently has no qualms about appearing on TV covered in what looks like rancid seminal fluid. If he was dislikable before, he becomes even more so tonight, not to mention he decides to give the Ikki Twins a truly stupid ultimatum. Oh, and Gay Nick makes everybody (including himself) cry. Be sure to grab a sex-towel and some liquid-sanitizer, because you're going to feel pretty dirty and disgusted after you see what this episode has in store after the jump...
The Ikk Factor starts out high tonight as we see Stripperista RoseMarie, Chub-In-Training Scott and Black-Eye Xoe sitting on the kitchen counter (I'm not so much bothered by Black-Eye's presence on food-prep surfaces, but I'm guessing Chubbsy is sporadic at best about washing his chunks-o-funk ass, and let's just say I don't even want to guess where Stripperista's crotch has been). My gag reflex is further tested as Stripperista happily chirps that she's wearing a pair of 'Roid-Ragin' Matt's socks...
...and you just know she didn't bother to wash them...
Barfly 'Bekah looks appropriately disgusted (and I'd say you have to go pretty damned far to gross out Barfly) while Gay Nick's face has an uneasy combination of jealousy, sadness and lust on it. It turns out that 'Roid-Rage was his best friend in the house, and now he's left with few (if any) allies and/or jackoff buddies. Chub-In-Training weighs in on the previous night's "shocking" elimination of Matt as he exaggerates, "Musclehead Matt went nuts and raged back in, ready to kill somebody... and that's when I said enough is enough!"...
...and Matt proceeded to beat the shit out of Scott and set his stupid hat on fire...
Sorry, that was just my fantasy version of events. For realsies, Scott needs to get over himself, because the truth is that if Matt was really in the mood to do some damage, he would have turned Scott's flabby Jersey ass into pulled pork in a heartbeat. Mmmmmmm, pulled pork. At any rate, it's Scott's turn to pretend to "find" today's "message in a bottle" from the Ikki Twins.
Chubbsy takes even longer than Stripperista did to slog his ponderous way through the complexities of the two-sentence message (which mentions wanting to see which of the remaining housemates is willing to "walk on water" for Ikki Love). Eventually he figures out that "XOXO" is not pronounced "ecks-ocks-owe" and actually means "kiss-hug-kiss-hug"! I guess that Hooked-On-Phonics shit doesn't always work right. They're to get dressed and meet Rikki and Vikki outside! More scripted cheers for no reason!
Hearing that bit about "walking on water" makes Gnarly Trevor feel really confident, he says, because "My last name is 'Lord'... so, um... walking on water kinda runs in the family!"...
...too bad for him Jesus' last name was actually "Christ"...
Yay for sacreligiousness! I'm sure Jesus is thrilled with Trev's comparison. It's no wonder that STDs rain down on these people like pestilence.
Anyways, they all go charging outside to find the Ikkis sitting next to a great big long vat filled with what looks like baby batter. Ok, no, actually it's a mixture of corn starch and water, and the Ikkis explain that today's dumbass challenge will be to run across the surface of the goo, grab as many empty coffee cans as possible from the pile on the other side, and run back across to deposit the cans in a cheap plastic bin from Wal-Mart. This lame-o-rama challenge is proof that the hard economic times have finally reached MTV's budget!
The rapidly dwindling pool of love-mates are going to be divided into two teams, each team to be captained by "the loudest people in the house" Chub-In-Training and Stripperista! The team that finishes out the ten-minute time limit with the most cans wins "a sexy romp" with the Ikkis (who both shake their tits to indicate how sexy it's going to be).
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Comments (15)
You know, it always amazes me that the producers of these shows always manage to dig up some horrible douchebag even more douchebaggier and dickfacish than the one that came before... But I'd really love to see how they're going to top Scukkake...
My only consolation will be if one of Scotty's buddy's picks up on your AWESOME bukkake reference and runs with it -- hopefully it will earn him a nickname that will haunt him for the rest of his life.
Jeez...I sit there and watch and think, there's no way this asshole can get any more assholier and then...waddaya know...he puts on a tuxedo t-shirt.
And the rest of these rejects? It's incredible how truly lame and skanky they all are...which means of course that this show is setting itself up to become of the truly great reality freakshows...definitely more entertaining than the Tila Tequila versions.
I have to assume that, since everyone else seems actually to like Scott, that he's quite normal when the camera's aren't on. The rest of it's all an act, obviously.
1 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 3, 2009 9:49 AM
Itchy, guys like Scott are generally popular. Look at high school... the Scotts were the football guys, the popular guys. In college, the Scotts were usually in the good frat house. This is how they get this inflated sense of worth and don't realize the heights of their own douchebaggery. However, they usually get a wakeup call eventually.
I don't necessarily think the other people "like" Scott as much as they are entertained by him. And, let's face it, everyone but him realizes that he is no competition here.
Another excellent recap, J-Mo! Thanks!
2 of 15 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 3, 2009 10:50 AM
Great recap J-Mo!
You still make me very thankful that I don't have to watch the show (or the entire show) to know what's going on. What a train wreck this is.
I was glad to see Gay Nick's cry-ey ass go home, but I really would have rather seen FatAssScott go home instead - what a dick! He may be kinda nice to see shirtless, but he is such an obnoxious fuck. I sure hope he doesn't win!!
All the best for 2009 for you!
Lots O' Love
3 of 15 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on January 3, 2009 11:21 AM
Another fine recap.
As for hoping that Scott won't win... it doesn't look like there are ANY winners in this bunch.
J-Mo - I can sympathize with Xoe, because I had a similar intolerance/firearm experience... when I told my (ex)wife I was leaving her...
4 of 15 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on January 3, 2009 2:13 PM
I missed this episode, but I'm surprisingly OK with that. We can always depend on you, J-Mo, to deliver the dirt. However, the description of the back massage just about gave me the heebeegeebees. That is the number one reason I would never consider massage therapist as a career.
Here's to a skankfull and dickfacery filled 2009.
5 of 15 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on January 3, 2009 3:41 PM
Doesn't Vicki (in her big "emoting" scene) look a little bit like Felicity Huffman? Too bad she doesn't have the talent.
fire@will, did your wife "fire at will"? You've got a lot of guts using that user name! I'd think it might have some bad connotations for you.
6 of 15 | Posted by Pixielated | Posted on January 3, 2009 6:49 PM
Oh yes, re: the production budget for this show...
I thought it was hilarious that they were showing Night of the Living Dead...since that movie's in the public domain, so they didn't have to worry about paying for rights to broadcast bits from it.
Of course the ultimate low-budget reality show was the Shot of Love spinoff with the Italian jackass.
Snoooty--the scariest part is that in some of the photos, Scott is a dead ringer for one of my nephews...
7 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 4, 2009 1:30 AM
I actually liked the Italian jackass. :p One thing about his show, at least, is that he actually dated the person who won the show. Unfortunately, the recently broke up. But given when the thing filmed, that means they were together at least a year. That is practically a lifetime in reality dating shows!
8 of 15 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on January 4, 2009 5:20 AM
Holy F@*k where do I start..my gag reflex worked overtime on this episode.....i swear to god the producers must have looked up the very definition of icky in the dictionary for this one....Hot tub & Scott....ewww, ewww, ewww..there is not a big enough combination of clorine & alcohol that could lure me into that situation..then again I'm not looking for "Ikki love"
NOT TO MENTION THE (SHUDDER) BONUS OF GETTING TO SEE SCOTT CHOW DOWN ON A FROSTING MANIQUIN..the levels of trauma & emotional scarring from the visuals on this show just get bigger every week...and yet I bought a roundtrip pass on this train wreck & aint given it away for anything!
Happy New Year all...and J-mo..I've nominated you for Nobel Peace Prize...for all the fine work & suffering you do for us the little people...
9 of 15 | Posted by nubby17 | Posted on January 4, 2009 8:26 AM
J-Mo Darling,
You are a genius. This show would be a nightmare to recap and you still manage to retrieve/create humor out of such a pathetic wreck.
BTW, I love having 2 of your recaps back-to-back. Best way to start the New Year. EVER!!
Hugs,
Yenta
10 of 15 | Posted by yentapatrol | Posted on January 4, 2009 9:16 AM
OK - go ahead and laugh. I had to Google bukkake.
11 of 15 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on January 4, 2009 10:44 AM
And no doubt you feel infinitely indebted to J-mo for introducing this concept to your life....
I almost gagged when I saw that photo!
12 of 15 | Posted by itchy | Posted on January 5, 2009 12:40 AM
Oh my god I love love love your recaps. I get so excited when I see there's a new one...........pathetic? Probably. Oh well. Moving on....
Three things:
1. Can someone explain Trevor's appeal? It's weird, because shaggy hair is totally my type, but I'm SO NOT seeing it with him. He's ugly. Not even in the Owen Wilson so-ugly-he's-cute kinda way, but UGLY ugly.
2. I personally like how Scott cockily predicted himself as the winner.....DIRECTLY after narrowly escaping elimination.
3. Somewhat in relation to #2, I would like to thank MTV for portraying New Jersey as a state that I don't care if I ever visit. Scott? Hate him. Kenny from the Challenges? Hated him. Jay from Tila Tequila Season 2? Embarrassed to admit that I watched it, but hated him. Please tell me there are normal guys from New Jersey!
13 of 15 | Posted by andreak1013 | Posted on January 5, 2009 4:50 PM
Awesome, awesome recap J-Mo, and a great episode because it pretty much a Chub-In-Training Scott tour de force. Granted I wouldn't want to be trapped on the same continent with King Douche (Huh? What? Are you sure?? Oh fuck me!), but let's face it J-Mo, the guy is re-capping gold.
Captain Chubbers got things off to a great start in the 25 meter jizz run, which allowed him to use his never before thought of strategy of "run real fast" (the track world's loss is the first aide supplies world gain I guess). You know it's too bad Chub-In-Training Scott is such a perfect nickname for a guy two years away from being a mansiere model, because otherwise Strategery might have worked too. (Maybe when he goes on The Pickup Artist they can call him Stratego?)
Then the hot tub date gave Scooter yet another chance to yell out about kings and queens. You know I'm starting to think Chubbsy been to more then one reniassance faire if you get my drift. Me thinkth there beyth a codpiece in the back of Chub-In-Training Scott's closet.
Finally we get down to the elimination between Gay Nick and the CITS. Hmmm on the one hand Scotty makes drunken irrational demands, and if you connect his back acne it forms a life sized 3D picture of the Liberty Bell. On the other hand you've got Gay Nick who cries everytime he's talked to like he just found out he's out of moisterizer, and well he's GAY Nick. Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner, King Douche gets to stay for another week. Huzzah!
The best part is the Ickkies ended up doing exactly What Chubs-In-Training Scott told them to do. Yes, Stratego rules!
Anyway J-Mo you had me laughing non-stop on this one, keep them coming!
14 of 15 | Posted by waffleboy09 | Posted on January 5, 2009 5:05 PM
itchy... thank you, I think "Scukkake" is pretty damn awesome, too, and I hope he gets called "Cum Dumpster" or something equally grossifying... I have a hard time believing that he's as much of an asshat as he's playing, but it could be true, some Jersey guys are really that dense (I have dated a couple, to disastrous end results).
Snootchy Bootches... thanks for the lovin', you're sweet... and I agree with you, I think I knew several versions of Scott in high school, and most of the time they were going out of their way to try to kick my ass, he so reeks of that kind of assholish bully that my rapier-shart insults were wasted on because they'd all go over his head!
arizonatom... you're welcome, sometimes it IS a chore to sit through Scott's dickwaddiness, but I love you guys for sticking with me!
fire@will... yeah, you have me wondering about your nickname now, too. I hope you escaped your ex with yourself intact! That shit is scary...
shantigal... sorry about the zit-imagery, but Scott is seriously just so goddamned BUSTED that I feel like I have to point out every single microscopically huge flaw he has. It makes me feel better. I hope it makes you feel better, too...
Pixielated... I kinda see what you're saying, but any time anyone mentions "Felicity" to me, I automatically think of the MadTV skit with Miss Swan where she was trying to move in with Felicity as a roommate and kept telling her to leave, saying "'LicityGO!" over and over...
itchy... you know, I didn't even think about the public domain thing for "NOTLD" but you're totally right... and I hope your nephew that looks like Scott isn't taking notes from him on how to behave... :)
nubby17... Awww, shucks, thank you! I could use the prize money from Nobel right about now (I think it's like 1 1/2 million, isn't it?) but honestly, I do it for love... and there's no such thing as a "little" Gasmii!
yentapatrol... thanks, you're sweet, and you must know that I'm super-jealous taht you got to do the Housewives, but you gave comment love, so I'm cool (and I'll be giving you some soon, too, that last episode was RIDICULOUS!)...
shantigal... I just blew soda out of my nose when I read your comment! Don't feel bad... my BF had heard the term before, but for the longest time he thought it was pronounced "BUCK-cake!" (instead of the Japanese pronunciation "boo-KAH-key") If you have now learned a brand new and completely disgusting term, then my work has been successful. Much love!
andreak1013... 1.) No, I can't explain it, he also sounds like he's perpetually stoned, and he's kind of hatchet-faced (to me, anyhow)... 2.) I personally would like to see Scott go home empty handed while gnashing his teeth and consoling himself with bitter masturbation... 3.) I'm sure that there are some nice sweet guys who come from Jersey, it's just that none of them wind up on MTV...
waffleboy09... okay, the codpiece comment was pretty awesome, but the life-size 3D picture of the Statue Of Liberty (as seen from the Jersey Side, natch!) had me giggling so hard I think I ruptured something, I love your style!
Thanks all of you guys for the awesome comments, they so brighten my day like you would not even believe! Just wait until you see next week's episode, it's a doozy!
love, J-Mo :)
15 of 15 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on January 7, 2009 11:18 AM