TIme for the Beefcake Parade! Yesssss! They're going to each come sliding down a zipline over some safety mats, where most of them land about as gracefully as a glob of mashed potatoes. First up is AlphaDouche Scott decked out in red tights as "Wonder Thunder" who stands with his crotch directly in front of Rikki's face, "and you will not be disappointed what's down under!"...
...I'm guessing a pair of tube socks?...
With a hearty "Cowabunga!" out flies East Coast Surfer Trevor in the form of "Wave Man", whom Rikki asks to give her "CPR" and he obliges by kissing her instead. If he'd really understood what CPR was he would have had free reign to cop a cheap titty-feel. Dumbass.
Proving he's gayer than ever, Musician Nick comes in for a graceful landing (executing a couple of pas de bourrées and a quick chaîné turn) and introduces himself as the "Lone RumpRanger". His costume is made up of mini-chaps and a satin speedo. Rikki says she loves a man in a mask...
...funnier still is the way the Batman-esque "POW" graphic appears to get sucked into his asshole...
I think that proves the production team is onto Nick's little "secret". Now it's Boston Software Engineer Paul's turn as "Captain Dangerous", and his lame costume is a bicycle helmet and a bunch of yellow CAUTION tape. Worse still is Conservative Wall Street Sales Rep James as "Boner Boy"! Just kidding, his superhero name is actually worse than that. It's "Right Wing". Here the editors pull a very nasty trick and digitally inflate James' slight soft belly to make him look, well, like he's my size, which he clearly isn't...
...digitally inflated.... vs.... the real thing...
Gee, like we needed any more proof that MTV hates fat people? That was just plain mean. Vikki behind closed doors (of course) groans "Why would you not wear a shirt?" Funny how it didn't bother her with AlphaDouche Scott earlier.
Oh well, Tattoo Artist David is dressed up like Zorro, and says with the power of his sword he's going to take all her clothes off! Rikki waves her hands in a frantic negative gesture, and "Right Wing" James catcalls "Missed it by thaaat much!" LOL, James!
Here comes Foot Fetishist and Detroit Handyman Coop dressed like the Construction Worker from the Village People. His superhero is "Power Tool" and he thrusts his crotch several times in the direction of Rikki's face...
...wellll, he's some kind of tool anyhow...
Circus music starts to play as VIRGINian Unemployed Loser Ben comes flailing down the zipline as "Not So Super Guy". Hey, at least he has muscles sewn into his costume. Someone who doesn't need those is Rooster Haired NYC Party Promoter Freddy, who is wearing booty shorts and a cape and goes by the name "Captain Heat" and even I have to admit, he's got a great body (even if his hair is stupid).
Dumbass NY Personal Trainer Matt is afraid of heights and needs a little coaxing from Rikki before he takes the plunge and sails down as "Captain Six Pack". Holy Mother of God, but he is one well-built brick shithouse!...
...that's exactly where my hand would have gone, too!...
Whizzing his way down like an angry grape is Purple Pennsylvania Party Promoter Fazio, whose unfortunate choice of superhero name is "Faz" (and describes himself as "better than fantastic... I'm Faz-tastic!") Rikki's verdict? "He looks more like a sidekick." Not so for our young playa San Diego Club Owner Josh, who flies in as "Doctor Desire" and scores another kiss!
Wow, that was so much more fun (and less demeaning) than the other "fashion show"! Do any of you also find it quite interesting how the guys got to be superheroes and the girls got to be livestock? I'd say girl superheroes would have been just as easy for them to do, but, alas, I'm not involved in the production of this show, only it's deconstruction...
Rikki directs the fellas to go wait in the Elimination Room while she runs back to discuss with Vikki which guys are getting a bus ticket home. Unemployed Loser Ben really wants a chance to show Rikki he can do more than look bad in his silly superhero costume, and AlphaDouche Scott takes time out from his busy schedule of being a Douche to call Ben a "nerdy-azz dude" and say there's no way that Rikki could ever fall for a guy like that... she needs the man of the house!
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Comments (14)
So happy you're recapping this trainwreck, J-Mo, it's going to be a hoot!
The best part of this show is it just doesn't matter who is what, they're all well aware that their real job is to get drunk and make asses of themselves for the camera. What fun!
Speaking of stereotypes...why is it that half the cast is from NJ and they're all the biggest idiots?
1 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 13, 2008 3:06 PM
Yay J-Mo - welcome back!
I think that they are after guys, with the grrls just thrown in for tittilation! Just seems like they favor the dick (of course I DON'T blame them).
And is it just me, or is there something that is wrong about anyone calling a girl "Dude"? Whatever happened to "Bitch" or "Dudette"?
Scott is an ass for wasting food. How Rude! And it wasn't funny - just made him look like a complete jerk-off.
Matt may not be a wonder-boy, but that bod is HOT!
Great recap, as ever. This show will at least be fun with you at the keyboard, even if it is a bit lame at times. But I'll bet the straight guys just love it.
Lots O' Love!
2 of 14 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on December 13, 2008 4:27 PM
Either those two aren't identical twins or one (or both) of them has had enough plastic surgery to make them look different.
3 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 13, 2008 7:46 PM
J-MO, so glad you're back! I didn't watch the show, but I will read anything that you recap. Always hilarious. OK, done with the recap and now I must go shower.
4 of 14 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 14, 2008 12:28 AM
I can't seem to get this show yet though it may show up with my sources a bit delayed. It happens. So I am experiencing it via your recaps!
Is it just me or do the twins look different in their pictures? The noses especially because in the pics the noses are small and cute but they look pretty big on the show. They are way cuter in their pictures. They must use Mariah Carey's retoucher!
5 of 14 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 14, 2008 5:33 AM
Snooty --you can watch the show directly on MTV's web site...no need for other, eh hem, 'sources'.
You wonder why the other sites (VH1--you suck) bother blocking people from outside the US -- it just forces us to go through other channels.
It's my right as an American to have access to all US television programming. Isn't that in the Constitution?
Ah, our gleeful idiocracy!
6 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 14, 2008 7:02 AM
MTV always blocks me. Or at least it used to. I'll check it out. I personally try to be above board and purchase from iTunes whenever they offer a show. When they don't... well, they offer me no other option than to go to my "sources."
7 of 14 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 14, 2008 4:00 PM
J-MO....uyou were fabulaous as always..am thrilled that you are recapping this train wreck for us....i could be wrong but MATT looks exactly like one of the guys that Corrie brought back to Paris's mansion on that little gong show of a program called Paris hiltons BFF.....I believe he was the meat head wasted in the pool who could barely speak at the pool party challenge(yes.. i am 1 of 6 people that watched...My name is Nubby and I have a reality tv problem)...look forward to next weeks brilliant coverage...
8 of 14 | Posted by nubby | Posted on December 14, 2008 7:37 PM
That Jen girl used to date Brooke from the Real World Denver and Evelyn from the Real World/ Road Rules Challenges (Fresh Meat, The Island, The Gauntlet 3 and i think the Inferno 2) so it kind of makes me wonder if the 'twice in a lifetime' comment was directed towards one of them.
Loved the recap!
9 of 14 | Posted by livexfast | Posted on December 14, 2008 8:54 PM
itchy... I KNOW, right? They are making Joisey look worse than ever with the plethora of dumbasses and douchebags...
arizonatom... I'd pay to see Scott jerk off...
pixielated... you might be right about the plastic surgery, although I think they look equally fug... :)
shantigal... hey, thanks, although if you think you felt dirty after READING the recap, imagine my grime-level after WRITING it, LOL!
Snootchy Bootches ...you know, you're totally right, the girls don't look nearly as good when they're not airbrushed out of their minds (like they are in the porn pic) but I swear to you, the site I got that picture from insisted it was of the Ikki Twins. Perhaps it's because their hair looks actually CLEAN in the nudie shot...
nubby... you are so right, I saw that episode of Bad Girls and the chest tattooz all match, it is our 'roid-ragin' dumbass Matt in both shows... depending on when they filmed the Bad Girls episode, perhaps it's a spoiler that he doesn't wind up finding true love with the Ikkis... I bet he's the one they wind up forcibly removing from the house because he looks like he's ready to explode at any second (and not in a sexy kind of orgasmic way).
love to all you guys, it's good to be home again!
love, J-Mo :)
10 of 14 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on December 14, 2008 8:58 PM
j-mo:
you have more intestinal fortitude than most people i know if you are going to be able to watch and re-cap this show. they only reason i will be reading anything about this show is because you are writing the recaps and somehow you made the whole thing, dare i say, palatable.
and why is the she is my queen, i am her king every meathead's pick up line? and every time one of them says they think that they are oh so clever and original. oh the wit on this show is just too much for me.
11 of 14 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on December 15, 2008 6:42 AM
Yay J-Mo, awesome recap. And let's show a little love for MTV, because in these times of deviciveness, isn't great to see a show that brings people together? Yes, meatheads, guidos, chowahheads, rageoholics, shady party promoters, fast pitch softball players, personal trainers of all genders, bartenders, and anyone who's ever been greeted at their local tatoo parlor like Norm was on Cheers. This show brings them all together in one place and in pursuit of one simple goal. To obtain that true holy grail (at least for anyone who is routinely watching Cinamax after 10:00 at night), the one thing which every losah in America knows is a combination of a unicorn, a golden ticket to the Wonka factory, and a $5.99 all you can eat pizza buffett, the bisexual bar skank. Bless you for this MTV, god bless you one and all.
Also J-Mo can you help me out here, does the winner of the show get the full Hef (both Icckies), or are they splitting up the set? Because I've got to tell you, one skanky semi-bisexual hooter twin isn't a whole lot of help in living out those creepy incest fantasies. Actually it's a lot like having someone give you two tires for your car and telling you to drive around the block.
Anyway, great recap, keep them coming.
12 of 14 | Posted by Waffleboy09 | Posted on December 15, 2008 9:46 AM
Yay! iTunes has started carrying the show so I got to watch this episode.
You know, J-Mo, I thought it was part of the recap when you said that nerdy guy said he was going to go watch her kiss that guy and jack off, but he really said that! Omg... this show is going to write itself, dude.
13 of 14 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 16, 2008 6:46 AM
OMG, nubby, I am SO sorry, I totally misread your comment about seeing DumbAssHat Matt on PARIS HILTON'S BFF... LOL, I guess he must be making the rounds of reality TV, then, because he WAS on the Bad Girls Club, too! Just wanted to say, I really DO read the comments, sometimes my mind just races ahead without thinking, I 'pologize...
livexfast... thanks for the inside info, she kinda looked like she was used to having the cameras around (and some of her "spontaneous dialogue" seemed a little canned... I mean, who actually says "Your presence annoys me..."?...
reckless_saturn_11... wow, thanks for the huge compliment, I just put some ranch dressing on the show, ranch makes everything taste better (*grin*)... and I have a feeling the whole "I am king, she my queen" thing appeals to these jocktards because they long for feudal times when brute force ruled instead of political savvy... plus, they all secretly want to wear tights...
Waffleboy09 (mmmmm, what a tasty nick you have!) yes, MTV is truly like a microcosm of the United Nations, bringing together negative stereotypes from across all socioeconomic statuses (brings a tear to my eye!). I agree with you, the winner should get both Ikkis, if for no other reason than they could have maximum mileage out of their 3 way porn video when they come out with it...
Snootchy Bootches... LOL, I only WISH I could come up with the idiotic things these people say... and I'm guessing that Loser Unemployed Ben is an expert at masturbation (just like me!)
Thanks guys, I can't wait for tonight's episode to hit... OH, and be sure to listen to Nads' interview with the Ikki's under NewsGasm... they talk about how they really were super-excited to go out in L.A. this past weekend because they wanted to see how many people would recognize them from the show!!! After hearing that (as well as their distorted views on exactly how important they are to the GLBT movement) I don't feel the slightest bit bad for shredding this show...
love to everybody!
love, J-Mo :)
14 of 14 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on December 16, 2008 7:58 AM