Vikki quickly grabs our girl Xoe and heads outside so Xoe can let her in on the fascinating tidbit that she spells her name X-O-E, and wisely blows smoke up her ass by telling Vix that even though all the girls are very beautiful (wow, even Butch Nicky!) she'd still probably choose her to go after! Awww, how sweet!...
...funny how Vix completely missed the fact that Xoe said "probably"...
She is pretty cute, even if she looks like a raccoon. Moving on, Vikki decides to get to know New Jersey Hairstylist Dana. Vikki lies and says she's always wanted to visit New Jersey cuz it seems "pretty crazy" (which prompts Rikki watching in the upstairs bedroom to shout "We've been there, you moron!") and that she's heard Jersey people are "pretty crazy", too. Dana, who sounds like her Xanax hasn't worn off yet, slowly agrees with her and says they're pretty outgoing and "in your face". Vikki spots an opening and leads off with "Is that you?" (obviously hoping for her first lip-lock of the night) but poor clueless Dana just says "Yeeuh... Usually." and the two of them stare at each other while crickets chirp...
...Yo, Joisey Goil! Thassa missed awppatoonidy youah watchin' get smuallah and smuallah...
Dana's MENSA card just burst into flames inside her purse. Ho-hum, moving on, Bella gets her first chance to tell Vix all about herself and decides to reveal that she has 13 tattoos, and proceeds to show/explain them all! (Two Stars of David, her Dead Grandpa, Boston Red Sox Logo, a Dragon, a Latin Phrase, a Loafuh Bread, a Containuh of Milk, and a Stickuh Buttah) and Vikki's eyes are glazing over (more than usual)...
...When Tattoo Tales Approach "Titanic" Length...
In the Cone Of Silence upstairs Rikki mutters "I don't really like tattoos." Nice meeting you Bella! Vikki heads back up and switches places with Rikki just in time for her to announce to the girls that it's really important to see the "animal" inside each of them, so they're all going to have to dress up in some kind of sexy little animal costume and parade themselves at a "Petting Zoo" for Rikki's pleasure. Rikki explains that they're doing this so that they can "see how sexy they are". Um, half the girls aren't even wearing any panties, how much more sexified do they need to be? Oh yeah, and bestiality fetish much?
It's promising to note that obviously none of the lesbians chosen to appear on this show are hardcore feminists, because to me there's something just creepy and pornlike about being made to prance around dressed like various protein sources on TV. But at least they're on TV, and I'm not, so what do I know?...
...that this is just plain wrong...
Yes, sexy little Xoe got to be a "spider" (wearing a teensy black bra and panties and spraying jizz-like Silly String all over the place) while Angela is made to wear the "cow" costume and come out mooing, squeezing her ample breasts and prompting Vikki (they've switched again!) to trot out that tired-ass catchphrase "Got milk?" I wish I could give her some (with a healthy shot of strychnine in it) for beating that dead cow again.
StupiDana from Joisey comes out dressed as a "chicken" (really nothing more than a beak, a yellow bra, panties and boa), while Boston Personal Trainer Elise (whom we haven't really met yet) comes hopping out in a recycled Playboy "bunny" costume. Our girl Claudinatrix appears to have been given "ladybug" (as interpreted by Victoria's Secret) and she's making this weird rolling-r "rrrreeewwwrrr! rrrrreeeewwwrrr!" noise as she sashays down the zoo-way. Rikki takes the opportunity to point out from behind closed doors that "She doesn't look very dominatrix-ey to me!"
...Gee, Rix, maybe that's because this isn't a dominatrix-ey outfit??!?...
I'd like to see Rikki doubt Claudia's S&M creds to her face. I'd also like to see her get a special beat-down for making me type out "dominatrix-ey". Anyhow, it's time for Baggage-Laden Rosemarie to come out braying in her "donkey" costume (yet another bra-n-panty combo, with a tail and a prosthetic nose-mask, yawn) and then we are treated to Jen in her "goldfish" costume (neon-orange microskirt and sports bra with a skullcap that has googly eyes on each side). She says something about "I can't wait to have your hook deep inside of me!" Classy.
« Survivor: No, You're Not | Main | Rock of Love Charm School: SMET = Sluts Making Effingugly Tees »
Comments (14)
So happy you're recapping this trainwreck, J-Mo, it's going to be a hoot!
The best part of this show is it just doesn't matter who is what, they're all well aware that their real job is to get drunk and make asses of themselves for the camera. What fun!
Speaking of stereotypes...why is it that half the cast is from NJ and they're all the biggest idiots?
1 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 13, 2008 3:06 PM
Yay J-Mo - welcome back!
I think that they are after guys, with the grrls just thrown in for tittilation! Just seems like they favor the dick (of course I DON'T blame them).
And is it just me, or is there something that is wrong about anyone calling a girl "Dude"? Whatever happened to "Bitch" or "Dudette"?
Scott is an ass for wasting food. How Rude! And it wasn't funny - just made him look like a complete jerk-off.
Matt may not be a wonder-boy, but that bod is HOT!
Great recap, as ever. This show will at least be fun with you at the keyboard, even if it is a bit lame at times. But I'll bet the straight guys just love it.
Lots O' Love!
2 of 14 | Posted by arizonatom | Posted on December 13, 2008 4:27 PM
Either those two aren't identical twins or one (or both) of them has had enough plastic surgery to make them look different.
3 of 14 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on December 13, 2008 7:46 PM
J-MO, so glad you're back! I didn't watch the show, but I will read anything that you recap. Always hilarious. OK, done with the recap and now I must go shower.
4 of 14 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on December 14, 2008 12:28 AM
I can't seem to get this show yet though it may show up with my sources a bit delayed. It happens. So I am experiencing it via your recaps!
Is it just me or do the twins look different in their pictures? The noses especially because in the pics the noses are small and cute but they look pretty big on the show. They are way cuter in their pictures. They must use Mariah Carey's retoucher!
5 of 14 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 14, 2008 5:33 AM
Snooty --you can watch the show directly on MTV's web site...no need for other, eh hem, 'sources'.
You wonder why the other sites (VH1--you suck) bother blocking people from outside the US -- it just forces us to go through other channels.
It's my right as an American to have access to all US television programming. Isn't that in the Constitution?
Ah, our gleeful idiocracy!
6 of 14 | Posted by itchy | Posted on December 14, 2008 7:02 AM
MTV always blocks me. Or at least it used to. I'll check it out. I personally try to be above board and purchase from iTunes whenever they offer a show. When they don't... well, they offer me no other option than to go to my "sources."
7 of 14 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 14, 2008 4:00 PM
J-MO....uyou were fabulaous as always..am thrilled that you are recapping this train wreck for us....i could be wrong but MATT looks exactly like one of the guys that Corrie brought back to Paris's mansion on that little gong show of a program called Paris hiltons BFF.....I believe he was the meat head wasted in the pool who could barely speak at the pool party challenge(yes.. i am 1 of 6 people that watched...My name is Nubby and I have a reality tv problem)...look forward to next weeks brilliant coverage...
8 of 14 | Posted by nubby | Posted on December 14, 2008 7:37 PM
That Jen girl used to date Brooke from the Real World Denver and Evelyn from the Real World/ Road Rules Challenges (Fresh Meat, The Island, The Gauntlet 3 and i think the Inferno 2) so it kind of makes me wonder if the 'twice in a lifetime' comment was directed towards one of them.
Loved the recap!
9 of 14 | Posted by livexfast | Posted on December 14, 2008 8:54 PM
itchy... I KNOW, right? They are making Joisey look worse than ever with the plethora of dumbasses and douchebags...
arizonatom... I'd pay to see Scott jerk off...
pixielated... you might be right about the plastic surgery, although I think they look equally fug... :)
shantigal... hey, thanks, although if you think you felt dirty after READING the recap, imagine my grime-level after WRITING it, LOL!
Snootchy Bootches ...you know, you're totally right, the girls don't look nearly as good when they're not airbrushed out of their minds (like they are in the porn pic) but I swear to you, the site I got that picture from insisted it was of the Ikki Twins. Perhaps it's because their hair looks actually CLEAN in the nudie shot...
nubby... you are so right, I saw that episode of Bad Girls and the chest tattooz all match, it is our 'roid-ragin' dumbass Matt in both shows... depending on when they filmed the Bad Girls episode, perhaps it's a spoiler that he doesn't wind up finding true love with the Ikkis... I bet he's the one they wind up forcibly removing from the house because he looks like he's ready to explode at any second (and not in a sexy kind of orgasmic way).
love to all you guys, it's good to be home again!
love, J-Mo :)
10 of 14 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on December 14, 2008 8:58 PM
j-mo:
you have more intestinal fortitude than most people i know if you are going to be able to watch and re-cap this show. they only reason i will be reading anything about this show is because you are writing the recaps and somehow you made the whole thing, dare i say, palatable.
and why is the she is my queen, i am her king every meathead's pick up line? and every time one of them says they think that they are oh so clever and original. oh the wit on this show is just too much for me.
11 of 14 | Posted by reckless_saturn_11 | Posted on December 15, 2008 6:42 AM
Yay J-Mo, awesome recap. And let's show a little love for MTV, because in these times of deviciveness, isn't great to see a show that brings people together? Yes, meatheads, guidos, chowahheads, rageoholics, shady party promoters, fast pitch softball players, personal trainers of all genders, bartenders, and anyone who's ever been greeted at their local tatoo parlor like Norm was on Cheers. This show brings them all together in one place and in pursuit of one simple goal. To obtain that true holy grail (at least for anyone who is routinely watching Cinamax after 10:00 at night), the one thing which every losah in America knows is a combination of a unicorn, a golden ticket to the Wonka factory, and a $5.99 all you can eat pizza buffett, the bisexual bar skank. Bless you for this MTV, god bless you one and all.
Also J-Mo can you help me out here, does the winner of the show get the full Hef (both Icckies), or are they splitting up the set? Because I've got to tell you, one skanky semi-bisexual hooter twin isn't a whole lot of help in living out those creepy incest fantasies. Actually it's a lot like having someone give you two tires for your car and telling you to drive around the block.
Anyway, great recap, keep them coming.
12 of 14 | Posted by Waffleboy09 | Posted on December 15, 2008 9:46 AM
Yay! iTunes has started carrying the show so I got to watch this episode.
You know, J-Mo, I thought it was part of the recap when you said that nerdy guy said he was going to go watch her kiss that guy and jack off, but he really said that! Omg... this show is going to write itself, dude.
13 of 14 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on December 16, 2008 6:46 AM
OMG, nubby, I am SO sorry, I totally misread your comment about seeing DumbAssHat Matt on PARIS HILTON'S BFF... LOL, I guess he must be making the rounds of reality TV, then, because he WAS on the Bad Girls Club, too! Just wanted to say, I really DO read the comments, sometimes my mind just races ahead without thinking, I 'pologize...
livexfast... thanks for the inside info, she kinda looked like she was used to having the cameras around (and some of her "spontaneous dialogue" seemed a little canned... I mean, who actually says "Your presence annoys me..."?...
reckless_saturn_11... wow, thanks for the huge compliment, I just put some ranch dressing on the show, ranch makes everything taste better (*grin*)... and I have a feeling the whole "I am king, she my queen" thing appeals to these jocktards because they long for feudal times when brute force ruled instead of political savvy... plus, they all secretly want to wear tights...
Waffleboy09 (mmmmm, what a tasty nick you have!) yes, MTV is truly like a microcosm of the United Nations, bringing together negative stereotypes from across all socioeconomic statuses (brings a tear to my eye!). I agree with you, the winner should get both Ikkis, if for no other reason than they could have maximum mileage out of their 3 way porn video when they come out with it...
Snootchy Bootches... LOL, I only WISH I could come up with the idiotic things these people say... and I'm guessing that Loser Unemployed Ben is an expert at masturbation (just like me!)
Thanks guys, I can't wait for tonight's episode to hit... OH, and be sure to listen to Nads' interview with the Ikki's under NewsGasm... they talk about how they really were super-excited to go out in L.A. this past weekend because they wanted to see how many people would recognize them from the show!!! After hearing that (as well as their distorted views on exactly how important they are to the GLBT movement) I don't feel the slightest bit bad for shredding this show...
love to everybody!
love, J-Mo :)
14 of 14 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on December 16, 2008 7:58 AM