In hopes of making some extra cash, some would resort to selling blow, or becoming a ho, but for real estate crazy Jeff Lewis, he has to submit to the title of "INDEPENDENTLY CONTRACTED REMODELER" -- which, for him, is worse than being Charles Manson. And, as we learned last week, Jeff just doesn't work well with authority, so as another public breakdown is imminent, so might the end of his days working under somebody be as well.
Back at Ryan's office, Jeff went to bitch about the skewed logistics at the Hancock Park project, which was about as organized as diplomacy in Rwanda. Clearly, Courtney -- the asshat who hired Jeff and Ryan in the first place -- was flawed in that she forgot her orders were documented on national television, and came off looking like an irresponsible home owner.
She may as well have signed a contract whose interest rate isn't fixed!
Anyway, after Jeff's tirade, Ryan told him to SIMMAH DAHN NAH, because Jeff was seriously two eye twitches away from looking like Nancy fucking Grace.
"Iraq was justified."
Then Ryan actually had the tenacity to tell Jeff that he isn't just crazy -- HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THESE SORT OF SITUATIONS.
"And, gosh darnit, people like me."
But Jeff didn't stop -- "She insulted me! I was hurt! Etcetera!"
Ryan told him to suck it up, but that wasn't enough to keep Jeff around on the Hancock Project. So, naturally, he quit. That's right, because he's a quitter.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sucked."
"This is a sinking ship," said Jeff.
That should get him the Daytime Emmy for "Stupid."
Back at Commonwealth, Jenni was up on the laptop with Jeff and Ryan in the room, ready to type up a letter of resignation from the Hancock Park project to Courtney.
But we all know that'd be just FLAT-OUT FUCKING BORING, so Jenni, in her Daytime Emmy moment, says, "LIKE, OMG! DON'T QUIT! WHY NOT... GET FIRED!??!!"
And then this happens. And then Jeff overflows the washer with too much soap.
But alas, they were joking.
It was here that Jeff had one of those oh-shit-did-I-just-take-a-hit-of-Peyote moments, and realized he was cutting off relations with Courtney because of the abusive way she treated him.
...And realized, "OH MY GOD. THAT'S HOW I TREAT MY EMPLOYEES!!!"
EPIPHANY!!!
Ryan and Jeff dictated the letter of resignation as Jenni typed away, and -- and I'm not making this shit up -- Jeff said, "End it with 'INsincerely... Jeff.'"
"And take her off my Top 8 NOW, K THNX."
In a random swift of "WTF was that all about!?", housekeeper Zoila walks by and Ryan asks her if she's brushed up on the phrase he taught her.
Ay, caramba!
And then everyone laughs because she didn't say it right. It's funny because she can't speak English! GOLD, BRAVO! GOLD!!!
And then they just keep the laughs-a-rollin'!
DIVERSITY!
At a remodeling project in Encino, Jeff is elated over the creative freedom he has, and doesn't fail to bring up the atrocity that was the Hancock Park project that cornered him into insanity. Jeff says he wishes more of his clients were like the ones he has at the Encino house. He also wishes that gravitational pull was measured in "Jeffs."
Oh, me.
Then, in the car, Jeff and Jenni talk about dinner, and, I swear to fucking god, the 9/11 Commission Report was easier to understand than their 2 minute conversation over pizza. It was this ridiculous battle about pizza toppings, and there was a moment where Jeff called Jenni selfish for wanting to order the least popular topping of the bunch and, oh god, it was just a hot mess.
" But it was also fierce. But a hot mess. But fierce. *sigh* "
I feel insulted for having been witness to that entire conversation. FlipIt, that merits a couple beers. That moment of television was seriously worse than the entire season of Big Brother 9. HOLLA!
"FINE. ORDER THE PEPPERONI. CHENBOT."
Back at Commonwealth, Zoila's sweeping shit up and the dogs are fast asleep; then the phone rings. It's Jeff's mortgage broker. Cue the speakerphone.
A great way to start a conversation. Or a doctor's visit.
Judy, the mortgage broker, brings him the bad news that one of his house projects has just received a ...REDUCED APPRAISAL.
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