TVgasm Recaps

Anyway, I thought some of the charm of Iron Chef would be lost in Iron Chef America because much of the appeal of the original show is the hilarious voice overs they use for the Japanese chefs and judges. But when they pull out the likes of Paige Davis and Julie Chen as celebrity judges, how can you resist that?

The first season of Iron Chef America ended a few months ago, and I hadn't even realized that the second season was already upon us until a reader sent me a link to a flash site featuring a talking catfish and a coconut bowling ball. Yes, it sounds lame, but I dare you to resist the urge to replay these videos over and over again, especially those Spanish clams. There is also inspiration for you to send in your own iron chef video interpretation, which means the TVgasm studios might have to make an entry.

The new season started this past Sunday, and continues through the summer Sundays at 9PM eastern.

Allez cuisine!

I really like to keep my Giada viewing to a once-a-week affair, but the plucky chef was on TV again, and this time with a friend. I was instantly amused not only by her ever-growing head shape (thanks to a ponytail, adding much-welcomed volume), but by her perkiness screeching to a halt when her sidekick had the temerity to suggest that pork is a salty meat. "Who told you that?" asked an incredulous and momentarily miffed Giada. Later, when the friend said "I don't know, it's a belief I have," Giada simply laughed it off, adding "One of MANY!" Translation: "IDIOT!"

Click on the image above to witness some Giada passive-aggression.

Giada De Laurentiis of Everyday Italian

Giada's head has been out of control lately. After watching a recent episode of Everyday Italian, I couldn't help wondering how scary the show would be in 3-D. A progressive series of screencaps displaying her extraordinary noggin growth after the jump...

As I've made mention over the last several months, I love the Food Network. I find myself watching it way more than what is probably considered normal. I can cook, sure, and I do - but I think I'd watch it regardless. I like many of the personalities for different reasons and find myself really disliking only a few - Emeril and Flay spring to mind. Hell, I even watched every episode of "The Next Food Network Star." (Which, by the way, appears to be the only show where the winner actually got the show they're promised.)

Anyone who watches Paula Deen knows about her affinity for fat. Her "thing" is to drop whole sticks of butter into just about everything she cooks, from desserts to salads. To Paula, "Southern Cooking" is merely a euphemism for, "Artery Clogging Death Diet." So, in the spirit of B-Side's "Giada's Giant Head Watch," I present to you: "The Paula Deen Coronary Watch" after the jump.

Due to the overwhelming response to the recent Food Network posts, it has finally freed me to truly let my freak flag fly. Yes, my name is EdHill, and I am a Food Network junkie. I watch it all, from Michael “He’s not gay, he’s just from Napa Valley� Chiarello and his amazing lisp (I watch every week hoping he’ll say “caramelized�), to Rachael Ray’s fragile psyche, to Paula Deen's fragile heart valves. I love it all. Who among us hasn’t TiVo’d Everyday Italian just to see how tight fitting Giada’s blouse will be, or hoping we will get a close-up of her massaging a meat product? I am the only person I know of that actually considered ordering the Good Eats DVD’s. So imagine my amazement when they took the top 7 “celebrity chefs� and put them all in a room together to cook a Thanksgiving meal. It's the Food Network's All Star Thanksgiving. Giada’s giant head and hand gestures next to Rachael Ray’s manic insanity? Sign me up.

In honor of Thanksgiving, TVgasm will be devoting all of Thursday to that most festive of holiday channels, the Food Network. Be sure to check in frequently to read our takes on Giada, Paula, Ina, Alton, Rachel, Sandra, the Chairman, and more. Finally, these humble chefs get the snark they so deserve.

I'll be honest, Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee isn't one of my usual Food Network guilty pleasures. Maybe it's her rushed delivery that makes me jumpy and turns me off. Perhaps it's her obsession with something called "Tablescapes" which until watching Sandra were completely foreign to me - as they shall remain. Or, perhaps it's the fact that her "recipes" suck? That's probably it.

I watched two of her shows for this special Thanksgiving TVgasm offering and that's plenty, trust me (and remember, I love my Food Network). The first thing one notices is the Barbara Walters soft-filter on the cameras. Actually, that's not true - usually, the first thing I notice about the show are Sandra's gigantic sagging boobies. Unfortunately, on the first episode I watched, Ms. Lee wore a very modest/loose black blouse. Lame. I'm certainly not a "boob guy" at all, but c'mon Sandra, give me something I can work with here! Well, she did actually show us her cans - cans of soup, cans of sauces, cans of veggies... (See above) *Rimshot!*

On one of the Thanksgiving-themed editions of Paula's Home Cooking, our favorite mistress of fat and butter, Paula Dean, tackled that most beloved of traditions: deep frying a turkey. So who would wind up on top? The turkey or Paula? The answer after the jump...

From time to time, I like to check in on my favorite Food Network star, Giada De Laurentiis of Everyday Italian, to see what she's got cookin'. Okay, that's not entirely true. While I do enjoy the Giada cuisine (I happily butchered her rigatoni in bechemel sauce just last week), the real reason I tune in is simply to gawk at her oversized noggin. Seriously, this woman has the largest cranium on basic cable, and it only gets larger when she bares those vicious chompers of hers. This woman has more teeth than a comb factory (rimshot!). But Giada, if you're reading this, please know that this is what makes you special and unique. I wouldn't want you any other way.

Please make me dinner one day. Please please?

When B-Side and J-Unit suggested we do a special Thanksgiving tribute to The Food Network, I have to admit I was a little hesitant to participate. For one, I don't watch TFN. For another, I have the culinary skills of Jeffrey Dahmer. But hey, as the three regular readers of my RAW recaps can attest, I've never let ignorance get in the way of making fun of somebody. In this case, that somebody is Warren Brown, host of TFN's Sugar Rush.

Still, in the spirit of the holiday, and to be fair to Mr. Brown, I decided to try out this "Google" thing I've heard so much about. And boy am I glad I did. Otherwise I'd never have learned how much porn there is on the Internet. Did you know there are people out there who like to be pooped on?! Does John Ashcroft know about this?

I also learned that Warren is a self-taught pastry chef, and prior to opening the CakeLove Bakery and Love Cafe in Washington, DC, he was a lawyer litigating health care fraud on behalf of the Department of Health and Human Services. Oh, and he still sucks his thumb.

You know you've pondered it. Who's the hottest, sexiest woman on the Food Channel? After careful consideration, I narrowed the list down to these eight hot bitches, and I think you'll be surprised at who winds up on top. Of course, we here at TVgasm invite all sorts of friendly dialogue, so feel free to praise or reject these choices as you wish.

Okay, enough stalling. Let's check out the ladies!

Behold! The Giada consumes salad! But is the lettuce coming in or going out? Only Giada knows!

If it’s a wacky camera angle and weird characters you know you’ve entered the world of Good Eats, The flagship show of Food Network. I first became aware of Good Eats a few years ago when I was clicking through the channels and came upon his show. The only reason I paused to watch it was because I thought Alton Brown looked like Luke Skywalker. And honestly, who wouldn't watch a cooking show by Luke Skywalker? Except maybe those damn Sand People. Anyways, I was fascinated by his ability to teach you about cooking, as opposed to just cooking something and saying Yum-O!. I didn’t know a tomato in the fridge would ruin its flavor, or an artichoke is just a blossom of a giant thistle flower, but I do now. And I can now tell you the history of Teflon. And I am a better man for it.

Yes, Alton's extremely anal retentive, and yes sometimes his gimmicky props go a little overboard. But I love him. I love him as deep and as pure as a mother loves her newborn, or a crack whore enjoys a hot bath. Or her crack. Either one. So without further ado, let us examine the cause of my heterosexual man crush on the man they call Alton Brown.

BREAKING NEWS: Food Network chef Sandra Lee has recently escaped the Fox River Maximum Security Prison. She is believed to be armed and dangerous and was last seen in her bright orange prison jumpsuit. If you see this woman on the side of the highway, do not pick her up -- even if she offers to design you a fantastic tablescape. Instead, please report her to the proper authorities. Thank you.

You put that down, Miss Thang!

Hey y'all! Y'all want more Paula Deen? Sho' y'all do! And that's precisely why I watched Paula's wondrous Southern Thanksgiving special from last year this week on the Food Network. I have to admit, her Thanksgiving spread wasn't nearly as heart stopping as I'd anticipated. There was only one deep fried item (a turkey), a couple pan fried items (bacon wrapped bread sticks and creamed corn with bacon drippings) and one dessert disguised as a vegetable.

Sandra Lee maybe known for ample cleavage, but what about those super-long arms? Those things have to be about four feet long. Between her bizarre arm-length and Giada's oversized head, the Food Network is starting to really creep me out.

Well, Paula Dean dominated her turkey. Let's see what bag of tricks the docile Ina Garten of The Barefoot Contessa has up her sleeves...

Ever wonder what would happen if one of our favorite Food Network chefs created something they actually didn't like? Well, we were lucky enough to witness such an event when Giada De Laurentiis of Everyday Italian attempted to make some sort of sorbet. She claimed on the air that her facial expressions of disgust and malaise were merely a reaction to the icy treat, but we know better. Behold the Great Giada Disaster of 2006.

Just when you were wondering when and if I'd return from my hiatus... And, just when you were beginning to ask yourselves, "What would it take to tear sg-dub away from his new baby to finally write something on TVGasm again?" Well, here I am and I have your answer: Butter guzzling, y'all.

The woman we all wish was our very own grandmother took a page out of Homer Simpson's book and, yes, drank pure melted butter on TV. Mmmm-mmmm. Hey, on the plus side you know her bowel movements just slide right out with nary an impediment or constipatory delay. And now you know what you were missing these past couple months with me not writing recaps - visions of a fat old southern belle taking a crap. Oh yeah baby, I'M BACK! I'm SO back.

So y'all grab some pork rinds and some buttermilk to wash them down with and view the sordid evidence after the jump.

Project Runway may be the best skills-based reality show out there, but now that the second go-around is over, there's a certain void in the TV landscape. Luckily, the Food Network has served up a brand new season of its own homegrown reality show, The Next Food Network Star. While it's not as well-produced or glossy as Runway, it does work in its own quaint and gentile way. Basically, the show gathers aspiring Rays and Flays from across the country and tests their abilities to not only cook, but perform in front of the camera. Doesn't sound that tricky, that is until you watch a nervous wannabe futz with a food processor lid for three minutes.

For all of you looking to pick up another spare reality show or just wanting to get a sneak peak at the behind-the-scenes mayhem of the Food Channel, The Next Food Network Star is worth checking out. The season premiere aired last night, but don't worry about falling behind. We have a guide to the characters after the jump.

Iron Chef America returns next week, and according to the promos, Bobby Flay will be battling Ralph Pagano, the culinary genius from Hell's Kitchen who once awed America with his revolutionary steak and white peach masterpiece. Is this really fair? Normally, Bobby Flay battles renowned chefs from such fine establishments as Le Bernadin or The French Laundry. But the lowly runner-up to an amateur cooking show? This will be the easiest battle Bobby Flay's ever participated in. His only challenge will be avoiding Ralph's huge boner.

I've actually been lucky enough to sample some of Ralph's cooking -- I dined in his "Frank and Lulu's" restaurant during the Hell's Kitchen season finale. Let me tell you something: a line cook at Applebees could beat this guy in Kitchen Stadium. If the Food Network really wants to ramp up the reality star factor, they would swap out Ralph for celebrity chef / narcissistic dumbass Rocco DiSpirito. Or better yet, Gordon Ramsey. I think it's about time someone yelled "YOU CALL THIS BLOODY RISOTTO?" and then threw a plate at Alton Brown.

Who would you like to see on Iron Chef?

Ladies and gentlemen, Giada DeLaurentiis of Everyday Italian has done it again. She's served up a culinary dud that may not be as impressive as her original Great Giada Disaster of 2006, but is noteworthy nonetheless. Pics after the jump..

Earlier today, TVgasm reader GiadaFan wrote to us saying that he'd be going to a book signing by the one and only Giada De Laurentiis. He offered to take pictures of the event and relay any noteworthy stories. Needless to say, GiadaFan went above and beyond the call of duty. Enjoy this photo recap of the Giada Experience.

When it comes to Food Network cholesterol maven Paula Deen, sg-dub is usually the man who captures all her excess. However, I happened to catch her gushing over some barbecue, and I knew I had to share her joy with all y'all. Check out the pics of Paula's orgasmic moment after the jump...

As you know, we here at TVgasm are unapologetic Food Network fans; we all have our Yummo faves. For those of you new to TVgasm, check out the archives; chock full of Foodie goodness. Very often, I find myself zoning out in front of DirecTV Channel 231 on weekend mornings just watching the calvalcade of stars cooking up delicious dishes. Once in a while, I get distracted by baby-dub or Will Shortz and before I know what hit me, Sandra Lee is insulting me with her lame recipes, garish tablescapes, and annoying verbal syntax. But recently, there was something about her that caught me eye and drew me in.

Whet your appetite, after the jump

Big news from the world of Giada De Laurentiis this week. According to Variety, Giada has been upped to a contributing correspondent for The Today Show, which means she'll be appearing on the "ayemer" at least twice a month. We're so happy about Giada's good fortune that we couldn't help but celebrate by enjoying another one of her expressive moments in the kitchen. Behold: the great spa-GHITTI-gasm of 2006...

When I saw that the Food Network would be airing a special titled A Semi-Homemade Halloween with Sandra Lee, I just had to set my Tivo. After all, there's no other holiday where women feel so empowered to dress slutty (as observed in Mean Girls), and if there was anyone to rise to that challenge, it had to be Sandra Lee. So join me as I try to capture the highlights of this wonderful, hour-long mammary-fest.

It's been a while since we checked in on our old friend Giada De Laurentiis, and after her painful Iron Chef: America defeat, I thought her spirit might be irreparably damaged. However, a new commercial airing on the Food Network proves that she's anything but sullen. Good ol' Giaddy is back with a vengeance, and now she's planning to take that patented giant smile of hers on the road for Giada's Weekend Getaways. Luckily for you, we have a sneak peak after the jump...

Is there any better way to celebrate Friday than with Giada De Laurentiis enjoying a platter of ice cream sandwiches? I THINK NOT!