Testimonials

Smash and Matt, now the bestest of friends, are pediconfrencing down the hall at school with half the football team. A little Anne Hathaway wannabe approaches them to pretty much inform Matt that she'd like to get naked with him. She veils it in a chat about just wanting to say hi, but we all know. Matt - get ready for this, because it's shocking - stutters a mumbled reply!

Buddy brings in the pig wrassler so that Coach can get a look at him. A jaunty training montage follows, culminating in the kid not being able to catch a single damn pass. He may be fast, but he sucks with his hands. And as Coach and any woman knows, that's a terrible combination.

Daddy Clarke pays a visit to his son's room for another pointless fishing-for-information scene. Just get on with it already, dude. Use some of the techniques your buddy Jack Bauer taught you. Rip out his jugular using only your teeth! Pop out an eyeball! Electrocute him with a floor lamp! Landry tells him that Tyra dumped him. "Girls can be squirrelly like that," says Papa. Haha. Oh, Papa.

"Hi, I'm evil!"

Shelly lavishes Julie with some whore-in-training clothes from Brazil, and by clothes I mean a scarf wrapped around her boobs. Tami unsurprisingly freaks out and demands that she take it off before her father gets home. Her father gets home literally as Tami is saying this, and he brings the freak-out to a whole new level. Shelly, apparently unable to pick up on subtle facial expressions and verbal nuances, ignores both parents' demands for Julie to take the damn thing off and instead compliments the little tartlet's breasts. Coach is displeased. "If I give you a hundred bucks, will you shut up?" HA! Shelly, of course, ignores this, and continues her Reign of Terror upon the household, proceeding to invite Julie to Costa Rica with her and asking Tami to come to a Dixie Chicks concert, which she can't do, because there's a booster club meeting and she just started work and she has a baby and oh Shelly just go the fuck away.

"You can take these rock-hard party pumpkins to the BANK!"

Coach, unable to stay in the house for a second longer lest he stuff Shelly down the garbage disposal, goes where he always goes when he's feeling distressed - Jason's house? Whatever works for you, dude. I'd go there too, except replace "house" with "bed". Coach asks Jason to come back and coach again, because he needs someone he can trust. Jason looks Conflicted, but agrees to do it anyway, if for no other reason than to get his precious aviator sunglasses back.

Landry, now decked out in a Periodic Table of the Elements t-shirt (I swear, his closet must look like a heap of textbooks) watches as Tyra flirts with some douchebag. I'm really hoping he'll go up and say something like "Leave her alone...or I'll kill ya!" with a big smile and perhaps a little jig.

Lyla arrives at Tim's house to wake up him from his hangover. She asks him to help Santiago (juvie hog boy) train for the team. Tim is less than receptive to the idea. Lyla, in a fit of desperation, plays the I-came-all-the-way-to-Mexico-to-help-you-out card, but Tim counters with the that-was-life-or-death-this-is-just-football token, then Lyla gets a Connect Four and Tim cries, "Prett-y sneak-y, sis!"

Buddy the genius has come up with a solution to Coach's money woes. Since they can't free up any more coaching funds at the moment, they've decided instead to offer him the position of Athletic Director. They assure him it's no more than a title and a few administrative responsibilities. With this added salary, he'll be "within spitting distance" of what he made last year. Poor Coach. No money, and now dozens of kickballs to allocate? Surely this is no life for a man as great as he.

But take heart. What follows is perhaps one of the greatest scenes in FNL history, perhaps even the history of television itself. I'm talking of course about the Riggins brothers, sitting in Tami's office, attempting to figure out how to operate a breast pump. Quoth Billy Riggins: "Squeezes milk out of a lady's udders!"

And the Emmy goes to...

While I proceed to shit my pants in hysterics, Tami arrives to confiscate the toys and grill Tim about his schoolwork. He missed a lot while he was in Mexico, and if he doesn't straighten up and fly right he's not going to graduate. Billy promises to "squeeze his testicles until he's bleeding term papers," and in my opinion the only truly appropriate response to this is the look on Tim's face:

HA

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Posted in Friday Night Lights by Screampiller at 9:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Last Comment: domino on Nov 17, 2007 09:00 PM.