But enough about my total lack of a life. We've got some pretty kids with problems to discuss! When we last left our favorite Texans, Matt and Julie proved to be the cutest kids on the planet, the Taylors proved to be utterly hilarious, Lyla proved to be the single weepiest girl in North America, Smash proved to be full of steroids and bitterness, and Tim proved that he can brood his way through an entire episode without uttering one word.

We begin this week with a very aged-looking Lyla wetting a paper towel...in order to wash off the "slut" and "whore" that a mysterious someone has written in lipstick all over her locker (hint: it was me!). She runs out to the field for cheerleading practice, where she is reprimanded for being late by her perky but stern coach because there is a big competition this weekend. The other girls lift Lyla up (this is called a liberty, I think she says? I don't know cheerleading) but she soon falls, amidst evil remarks and cackles of glee. Coach Not-Taylor asks what the hell is wrong with her, but seriously lady, do you have ears? These girls aren't exactly using echolocation to communicate, they're saying all this mean stuff right under your nose. Pay attention.

Over in the school, Matt and Julie are talking about how to deal with her father. She calls him a "sick, twisted individual", which I don't entirely disagree with. She schemes her way into another date, despite Matt's stuttering protests, which have started to border on Rainman-like. He manages to sputter out an apology for the awkward kiss he gave her at the end of the Gatling game, since he was just so swept up in the emotion and the moment and the suppressed horniness that it just popped out. She allays his fears by quickly pecking him on the lips and walking away. Aaand instant cavities all around.

Is that mid-nineties Pizza Hut mascot Pizza Head in Julie's locker?

Let's wash out all this sweetness with some crushing misery, shall we? Jason finally gets released from the rehab hospital and returns home. And it's all there: the handicapped symbol on the license plate, the van complete with motorized ramp, the pained expressions everywhere, the lump in my throat. And hey! He has parents! I assume they just took a quick trip to Florida or something for the past few episodes. Can't let that timeshare go to waste! After some chitchat, they leave to let him get settled into his new office-turned-bedroom. (Side note: his mom says they "have some barbeque in the fridge", but I hear this as "have Sparky in the fridge", leading me to momentarily believe that the show has taken a cruel, pet-eating turn.) Jason glooms around and slams yet another picture of happier times with Lyla into a drawer with a satisfying thud. Jason LOVES destroying memories. And there are a lot of them to destroy, which makes me wonder if these two had maybe hired a photographer to follow them around and document their undying love just in case they would one day need to emphatically demolish the evidence.

I don't like how in the credits the names don't sync up with the pictures we see. We get a "Scott Porter" with Lyla pictured cheering, and an "Aimee Teegarden" with a brooding Tim Riggins. It's just weird, is all.

Fancy a crumpet, Miss Teagarden?