Also at the gala are some D list celebs, like Nick Lachey. I KNEW I had seen this episode once before! I was so confused when I checked the TV schedule and it said the Kentucky Derby episode was new. I could have sworn I'd seen a semi-brain damaged blonde bet on the races before, and I did. It was an episode of Newly Weds, which I guess is a precursor to GND in many ways. Anyone else miss that show as much as I do? Tear.
Is this horse that I have or is this stallion that I have?
Also at the gala are the Barnstable Twins, aka the Doublemint Twins, who were on the cover of Playboy in the 80s. Hold up - twin playmates?! Guess the whole incest thing isn't entirely new territory for Mr. Hefner. Double yick.
After the gala, everyone has to piss really bad on the limo ride home. Like, really bad. Like, fast food restaurant bad. Bridget decides to take charge and hollers up to the driver.
B: Hey, is there anywhere we can pee, like a Taco Bell or a KFC?
Do you guys really need to pee or is Kendra just looking for a midnight snack? I'm sure some more respectable establishments would allow you to use their facilities, so long as you don't allow Ms. Wilkinson to intentionally flash anyone. Lucky for you, the limo driver knows better.
He pulls up to a closed restaurant. The girls can tell it's closed from inside the limo, but they venture out into the pouring rain anyway. It turns out to be not the worst idea because the restaurant workers must have caught a glimpse of some boobs and/or video cameras and they kindly open up their doors and toilet stalls for our protagonists. Kendra is extra excited because "the game" is on, but then she gets sad because the pizza oven is closed for the evening. Life is cruel, isn't it Ken?
After the girls take a few pics with the restaurant staff, they leave them to finish sweeping up and head back to the stretch. Seriously though, how cool would it be if you were just minding your own business, working the closing shift in your little Hicksville restaurant, and the Girls Next Door show up?
The next morning the girls get ready for the race and, shocker of shockers, Kendra looks totally respectable! True, her peach mini-dress is skin tight, but nothing is popping out that shouldn't be. Classyness is relative, after all. Bridget looks cute in a yellow and pink dress avec matching hat, and Holly resembles Little Bo Peep in her flouncy white dress with the previously described W.T. hat. (Sidenote: My spellcheck doesn't recognize "flouncy" as a word - am I really using lexicon that Fergie made up?! Sick. I may have to forfeit my journalism degree.)
After they're dressed, the girls carry out an elaborate trick on poor Mary. They switch out Mary's real hat box and replace it with one that contains a hat that isn't hers. (Elaborateness is relative, after all.)
Seems like a lame prank, but Mary gets very, very upset. "That's not my hat. I don't like that hat. I want my hat," she repeats over and over and over. Can you imagine what Mary is really thinking? I'm guessing it's something like, "I bet the freakin' hyena/horse hybrid one mistook my real hat for a Frisbee and threw it at that loser dog of hers that pees everywhere, and then killed one of my lover's prized peacocks and glued its feathers to a paper plate and put it in my hatbox! If Hef wasn't such a stallion in the sack I would have quit this job years ago and put my astrophysics Ph.D. to use."
Bridget finally caves and gives Mary back her real hat, which is this super shiteous visor. Mary is a really good sport about it, considering she was one peacock feather away from blowing their brains just out moments before. "Oh, you girls are such shanties," she laughs. Just Googled "shanty" to see if it has some definition that I'm not aware of, but the interwebs confirm that a shanty is a) a hovel or b) a work song. Either Mary is losing it or she's getting quite metaphorical. Is she saying that the girls are the representative of today's societal dilapidation? I might need to dig out my old philosophy text books...
« Ugly Betty: Betty is as Hairy as a Y.E.T.I. | Main | America's Next Top Model: The McKey to Victory »